Category Archives: How to Meet Women and be a fantastic Flirt

All about approaching women, starting conversations, flirting with them, and sparking chemistry.

Touch Is Communication

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Random lesson from a random memory today.

You may have heard how touch is important, how you should break the touch barrier early, and ramp up the touching as the relationship gets more intimate.

The real key to understanding your touch is to understand that it is just another form of communication.

The way you touch a woman, in the end, communicates with her.

One night, a long time ago, I met a woman out at the bars. After we had dated a few times, I asked her why she liked me. What was it that made her want to see me again that night we met?

She mentioned that she liked that I could approach her and start talking to her (confidence), and that I could keep up with her verbally (banter).

Then she said something that kinda surprised me. “You know how I knew you liked me?” she asked. “When you talked to me, you put your hand on the small of my back a little bit, and that’s how I knew that you liked me.”

A light bulb turned on above my head, and I realized that I had communicated with her with by the way that I touched her.

You can communicate that you are interested in her, that you like her, that you are feeling attracted to her, that you care for her, or that you are feeling intimate with her by the way you touch her.

Touch is pretty powerful stuff, because it is a very basic communication. You can say something you don’t mean, but you can’t touch in a way you don’t mean. One touch can’t be confused for meaning something else usually.

Also, the way you guys touch each other shows what is really going on with the two of you. If you and her have talked for hours, and really gotten to know each other, but haven’t touched much, the relationship still hasn’t progressed very far in terms of intimacy.

On the other hand, you and her may not have exchanged many words, but if you are comfortable touching each other, then things have progressed pretty far.

Art of Rapport students get results

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At last weekend’s Art of Rapport workshop, I had the pleasure to work with two very motivated and hard working gentlemen. Our Pickup 101 workshops are no easy class. When you take a workshop with us, we will push you to do things that make you nervous, because that is how you grow.

Josh and Simon and the other six men in the workshop spent the morning learning how to walk up to a woman that they don’t know, make her laugh or smile, and convey their natural personalities in a compelling way.

Josh and Simon pushed themselves to approach and meet women in ways they never had before, and it works.

Simon had a natural ease about him, but needed to get a little help sharing that personality with women.

We got to work, and he put our work into action.

He met quite a few women. Man, doesn’t he look great:

simon-photo3

After I suggested to Simon that he talk to that woman above, I was actually a little jealous. She was very cute, and I wished that I had talked to her instead.

Of course, Simon applied the lessons from the night before, and ended up talking to this woman for about 15 minutes or so, and had a fantastic conversations. He told me later that he felt like the conversation just flowed. In fact, he told me after he excused himself that the only reason he left was that he wanted to move on and meet more women! He didn’t want to spend all day talking to just one.

So what did he do? Simon walked across the square and met another woman sitting, watching the passers by:

simon-photo2

I was proud of Simon, and he was proud of himself. He moved through his nervousness and did something that he hadn’t done before, and he grew from it.

When Josh started the workshop, I think he had some doubts about the workshop, and about himself. I don’t think he was quite sure that the material that we taught in Art of Rapport was going to work for him.

I told Asher and Megan, the two coaches that were leading the workshop, to put Josh with me went we went out to meet some women, and I would make sure he got it :)

Of course, they did put him with me.

The first women or two that Josh met didn’t spark. We were walking through Unions Square on Saturday afternoon, and kept moving around. Eventually, I saw her, and so did Josh. I think he knew he should go meet her, and I gave him some encouragement to do that.

josh-photo1

He took a breath, and walked up to her. I don’t know what he said exactly, but I saw her smile in response. They stood in the middle of the square, talking to each other. He was relaxed, and it showed in his body language.

I surreptitiously walked by them and took some photos with my phone, just for fun.

Then something I wasn’t expecting happened. He took off. With her. He just walked off and left Union Square, while walking and talking with her.

Turns out he left with her to go get some coffee at a cafe.

After an hour or so, I called him up and told him he couldn’t be a lover boy all day long. Eventually, he came back to Union Square, and he was different. He wasn’t skeptical, and he had a new found confidence about him.

He learned something from the workshop, and it wasn’t just a line to start a conversation with women, or a few tips. He learned something about himself. He learned that he was the kind of man that can meet a woman in the middle of the day and take her to a cafe on a mini date.

More than that, he is the kind of man that women want to meet, and would be happy to spend their afternoon with. That lesson is far more valuable than any tip that I could teach, and is something that can’t be read on the internet.

How to flirt: Use this opener to start a conversation with women

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Here is one of my favorite ways to start a flirtatious conversation with a group of women. This is tons of fun, and always gets a good response from the group.

I’ve used this during the day in a park, or in Union Square, and I’ve used it at night when I am out at bars. It is simple to use, and leaves a great opening to continue the conversation.

This works best with women in groups of 2 or 3, which is pretty common to see when you are out and about.

So what is this amazingly simple line to use?

“Hey guys, you know, I’m actually not sure which of you to flirt with first.”

That’s it. You can add to it, “You’re both so cute, I’m not sure which of you to flirt with first.”

You can change it up: “I’m not sure which of you I should hit on first. This is really a dilemma for me.”

This is a fun, flirtatious way to start the conversation.

You can then ask which of them is the best flirt, if one responds really well, tell the others that you are going to flirt with her, you can accuse them of being bad at flirting, and on and on and on.

A fun attitude makes this work. This is not a very serious way to start a conversation, so there is no reason to be too serious about it. A smile and upbeat attitude goes a long way.

Last weekend I approached a two women in a bar and used this opener, and one of them responded that we should play rock, paper, scissor to see who flirts with who. I’ll be stealing that from her.

Try this out, have some fun, and flirt with some women.

She said, “We don’t like timid men”

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Timid men need not apply. Women agree on this.

My interaction with a couple girls on Saturday was very rich and metatextual. A lot happened that was very instructional. I am writing up all of the interesting parts in pieces, to extract the juicy information out of it.

I was on the balcony of Medjool, overlooking the dance floor, talking to a cute girl in a hat, and she talked about the different ways that men approach women. “We [women] don’t like timid men. We can tell when a man is timid, and it kills it.”

She told me that was why she liked me, I didn’t hesitate to come over to her and her friend and see what was going on, meet them, and flirt with them. I knew what I was doing, and I knew how I was going to approach them, how I was going to start the conversation, and felt good about my ability to talk to them and join their group.

It was coincidental that this was in the middle of an Art of Attraction workshop, an entire workshop devoted to making sure men aren’t timid. It sure as hell isn’t the time for me to be timid myself.

It was nice to hear from a woman that what I teach is, you know, right.

Recognizing Timidness

Timidness is the almost the complete opposite of confidence. Confidence is being sure and comfortable with what you are doing, not hesitating, and enjoying yourself.

A timid man is cautious, nervous, hesitant, and waits for permission, or a good reaction, before going on with what he is doing. A timid man doesn’t take risks, and doesn’t do anything to put himself on the spot.

I’ve noticed that the biggest reason that men are timid when approaching a woman is the fact that they are waiting to see how they will react. They are waiting for a good reaction before continuing the interaction.

Timid men want a good reaction before committing to an interaction. They are waiting for permission to join a group of women before they really open up and express them self.

The odd thing about this though, is that by being timid, the chances of being accepted by, and receiving a warm response from a group of women will go down drastically.

“Any woman wants a confident man.”

Women respond to your confidence.

Women always seem to give the same answers when they ask what they are attracted to in a man. They like a man who can just be himself, who can make her laugh, and above all, is confident.

Confidence is one of those things in life that, like all important things, is very simple, yet can be very difficult to put into actual practice.

Here are some of the things that display that a man is confident when he approaches a group.

  • He does not fidget when he walks, and when he stands next to the women
  • He makes eye contact with the women, and does not get nervous and look away when they give eye contact back
  • He talks slowly and calmly
  • He does not seek their approval before proceeding to talk to them
  • He smiles and enjoys the time he is spending with the women
  • He is sure of how he is going to approach, and says what he has to say without hesitation

This is just a partial list, but these are some of the things that women see that indicate if a man is confident about what he is doing or not.

There is no downside to confidence.

As men, we really have very little to lose by approaching some women and starting to talk to them. The worst that can happen is that they turn us down, or aren’t interested in meeting us. It may not exactly feel that way when we aren’t used to approaching women often, but this is true, objectively.

There is nothing to lose by being confident. If you have decided to approach a woman, it will not go worse by approaching more confidently. It can only make things go better, and kick off things with a woman better.

On the flipside, being timid can only make the woman’s reaction worse. Being timid when approaching a woman will not make her like you more, and it will not make a better first impression.

We teach confident behavior and how to confidently approach a woman at the Art of Attraction workshop. The workshop is three days, spending days and evenings in a classroom to learn, and more importantly, practice the skills that make you more confident. We spend two nights out on the town, meeting and talking to women, and working with our coaches to put the new skills into practice.

The workshop is an investment in your future, your relationships, and in the confidence that you feel every day.

Please feel free to click right here and read more about it on the PickUp 101 website.

This workshop will knock the timid right out of you, and women will thank you for that.

Understand the attractive woman’s experience

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An attractive woman gets hit on constantly when she is out at the bar or club. You have no idea how frustrating and annoying this is to her.

Last Saturday night during an Art of Attraction workshop I ended up talking to two women up on the rooftop bar we went to. One of them was cute with the type of round face that I like, and she was wearing this interesting, funky hat that conveyed some nice personality. She laughed at the things I said too, which is a quick way to win me over.

Her friend was blonde, and had nice large breasts that she was not shy about sharing with the world. The dress she was wearing was very revealing, God bless her.

The girl with the hat and I hit it off, and got a lot of time to get to know each other. Her friend, the blonde, was being a good wingwoman, and giving us our space to talk.

They practically lined up for her

It was very interesting to see that the friend of the girl I was hitting on was never left alone.

It turns out (surprise, surprise) that if you are a blonde, attractive women with big breasts, you get hit on. A LOT. Even more so if you wear a dress that reveals just how much assets you have.

The three of us eventually left the rooftop bar to go to the lower floors of the club. My girl and I were getting closer as we checked out the scene of the dance floor from the balcony, and her friend was just kind of hanging back 10 feet or so.

A few guys approached the friend while we were hanging out on the balcony. She talked to them for a few seconds or a minute, then blow them off. 10 to 30 seconds later, there was another guy coming up to her to hit on her.

It was really rather absurd how often she got hit on. It was frequent enough to make her night a very frustrating night. in fact, when I first approached the two of them, I could see this frustration in her response. She was annoyed by yet another guy approaching them. This kinda changed when I got her to laugh a little with my banter, and she saw that me and her friend were getting along well.

I want to get back to this woman’s experience though. She could not be left alone by men approaching her. Most of them approached in the same, boring, “playing it cool” way that every other guy did. After a while, I don’t think any type of approach would stand out to her.

Spare some change?

The closest experience to this for a man that I can think of is when we are constantly asked for money by homeless people.

In San Francisco, there are a lot of homeless folks on the streets. I work downtown, and live by Union Square, two areas that have a very dense homeless population. As I walk to work, walk around at lunch, and walk about my neighborhood, I am constantly bombarded with people asking for change.

After a couple times, I just tune it out and ignore it. It doesn’t matter how compelling their reason for asking for my money is, I tune it out. Now imagine if this happened every minute for the 20 minutes it takes me to walk to work in the morning, and the 20 minutes it takes me to walk home.

I would be very frustrated; I would be thoroughly annoyed.

This woman must have been approached at least 40 times that night. I personally saw her get approached about 10 times in the 20 to 30 minutes that I was talking to her friend.

So what would it take for you to get that girl?

What would it take for the homeless guy to get your change?

Be different

You’re gonna have to be confident. You can’t be timid. Even more so than all of this, I think that showing some understanding of what she is experiencing will take you even further.

Show that you understand that she has been hit on all night, and relax. Don’t hit on her. Win her over by chilling out, and getting to know her. Have a real conversation with her, and don’t really try to “pick her up”.

This is far different than how most guys approached this woman. Most approached trying to show how cool they were, be a mack daddy, and get their groove on. By trying to stand out by being cool, they blended in with the rest.

The guy that would really stand out would be the one that wasn’t trying to be cool, that wasn’t trying to impress her or hit on her. The man that could walk up to her and have a normal conversation with her, taking time to find out who she really is beyond just blonde hair and body that gets a man’s blood pumping, is probably going to get a lot further than the guys trying to play it cool.

Taking some time to think about and understand a woman’s experience will give you great insight on how to approach and meet these type of women.

How To Flirt At Work

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The internet disappoints me.

I did a google search for “how to flirt at work” and the most miserable results come up. If you believe the sources that Google says are the most relevant, all you need to do to make the ladies at your job swoon is to smile, give them compliments, and offer to do their work for them.

Seriously.

This stuff just doesn’t work. Sure, smiling and complimenting a woman may be a part of flirting, but it doesn’t really explain how to do it.

If you want to get an idea on how to actually flirt, read my article about role-playing and banter. That is, after all, what makes women like you.

There is more to flirtation than that, including teasing, playfulness, and innuendo, but banter is a huge part of what flirting actually is.

What about flirting with the women at work?

This is a question that always gets asked at the Art of Attraction workshop. Men want to know how to hit on that hot chick at work.

The simple answer: carefully and delicately.

Sexual harassment laws in our country being what they are, know the policy. Unwanted sexual advance or comment can be prosecuted. I am in no ways an expert. If you are going to flirt with girls at work, know the regulations that apply to you and your work environment. This post is written as infotainment, and is not advice. Don’t do something stupid.

If you are looking for an article about how to date women you work with, this isn’t it. I don’t date the women I work with. I don’t hook up with them. I don’t mess around with them. It makes life easier, and I don’t care how hot she is, there are plenty more women in the world that don’t have that particular complication attached.

But I do flirt with them.

I work with many women that I flirt with all the time. It keeps things fun. There are also many women at my day job that I don’t really flirt with. Some of them are receptive, and some are not. Some are kinda receptive, and some I can be more liberal with the flirtation.

Test the water before you dive

High octane flirtation does not always go over well. Also, you do not want to be the guy at work that hits on everything that breaths. Neither of these are good for your career, and your career should come before flirtation.

The hail mary banter or flirtation that may work well in the bars or clubs isn’t gonna be appropriate in the office. Out of place it can be too aggressive, and inappropriate. I test the waters out slowly, with a little flirtatious comment here and there, and I pay attention to how they react.

Throwing some roles into your banter is a good way to do this. Start with something fairly tame. You don’t want to start off by setting up roles of you as the love pirate and her as your slave. That is way overboard.

You can accuse a woman of being the office trouble maker, or set yourself up in the role of the boss, with her being one of your minions. The important thing is to do something that can be fun, but without a lot of sexual overtones to it. Then see if she plays along. If she plays along, laughs, smiles, and banters back, then it is a good sign that you can flirt with her a little more.

Once you know she is gonna respond to being flirted with, then you can slowly add a little more. By “slowly add a little more”, I mean over days and weeks. Not right away. There is no hurry.

Don’t touch too much

I am usually a very touchy feely flirt. I will be all over girls when I meet them, I put my arm around them, hold their hand, and so on. Not at work though. This is again, one of those things that I test out over time. When I do touch one of my coworkers, it is very little, gentle, quick, and as non-obtrusive as possible. I might touch their arm or shoulder, but that is about it. Anything more than that has to be with someone that I have a longtime relationship with, and we have worked that into the boundaries of what is acceptable.

Another way to not make any touching as awkward is to touch everybody, man or woman. This is the behavior of high status people by the way, and is something that good bosses will do. If you show that you are just a person that is comfortable touching people, you won’t so much be the weird guy that touches all the women.

Ramp things up after work

You can bump up the flirtation after work. Go out to happy hour with some of your coworkers, and you can bump up the level of your flirtation a bit. It is more appropriate in social situations because, well, it’s more appropriate in social situations.

You do need to still keep things appropriate, just because you’re not at work does not mean it is time to go hog wild. Even though you may not be in the office, you, and she, are still around co-workers, and their impression of you will be made as much after work as during work.

Many women aren’t going to want to be known as the office flirt, and for good reason. Keep this in mind. If you are making her uncomfortable with how much you are flirting you are missing the point.

The most important point

The most important thing to do if you are going to flirt with your co-workers is to pay attention to how they respond. A good response is smiles and laughs, and her flirting back. If you don’t get this type of response, pull it back.

Also keep in mind that it is possible to be playful without being too flirtatious. This is usually a matter of cutting out any sexual overtones in your flirtation and banter. You never want to make a woman you work with feel uncomfortable.

Take it slow, and have some fun. The more you flirt with your co-workers, the more you will get a sense for what is OK, and what is not. Flirting with your co-workers is a good way to keep things fun for you and her.

She Said, "That's What Makes Us Like You"

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Last weekend the company I work for had our annual Holiday Party.

I got to dress up nice, hang out with friends from work, and drink a LOT of free wine. It was fantastic.

At some point in the night, I found myself at a table sitting with about 10 adorable women, some of whom I work with, some of them were friends along for the party.

So, yeah. I started flirting with them all.

I was bantering back and forth with a lot of these women, it was a true multitasking tour de force of flirtation. These women were pretty good at this too. Most of them know me pretty well, and know they can push things with me; they really giving me a hard time, in a fun, flirtatious way.

It was going on to the point that one of the ladies I work with who was walking by the table stops, and whispers to me, “you know they are flirting with you”. Like I didn’t know :)

At one point, our conversation turned towards dating, and boys meeting girls, and the women’s lament at men not knowing how to banter well. Keep in mind, this was their words, not mine. They complained that a lot of men they meet just don’t know how to have a fun, flirtatious, conversation of banter.

“That’s what makes us like you guys, you know”, one of my friends said to me. “We want you guys to banter with us”.

I told her I was going to quote her on that, and here, I’m doing just that.

Women WANT you to banter with them. They want to be able to have a fun conversation with you, and they want to like you. They want a reason to.

A few years ago, I wouldn’t have been able to sit at a table of ten women and be the center of attention. I wouldn’t have them flirting with me, and doing nice things like filling up my wine glass for me. I had to learn this, and practice it. Four years ago I would have felt like this was an impossible thing for me to do, but over the years I learned how. I was lucky enough to learn a LOT from Lance, and lucky enough to motivate myself to get out there and practice this skill with women.

If you think, “that sounds fun, but I’m not sure how to do that”, then Charismatic Conversations may be for you. This is a DVD set of Lance teaching everything he knows about banter and flirting with women. It has hours of examples and demonstrations, and actual women giving their feedback about their experience.

Click Here to go to the PickUp 101 website and learn more about it.

It's Not Easy Being Mean (And So Can You!)

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I have been accused of being mean a few times recently.

I probably deserved it too 😉

Sometimes I really can’t help but to tease girls. They beg for mercy, but I have none. I am a dark, vengeful figure of flirtation.

Melodrama aside, you may have run into this. You are talking to a girl, having a flirtatious conversation, she is laughing, you are laughing, so you know, at the very least, she doesn’t hate you.

All of a sudden, she sticks out her finger, and accuses you of being mean.

Maybe she plays it up by looking hurt. Maybe she has a scornful look.

Are you going to break? Are you going to reassure her that you aren’t mean? You could tell her, “no, I’m a nice guy! I didn’t mean it!”

. . .

Remember, it’s not easy being mean.

I own my meanness. My meanitude.

I’m mean. I’m a mean machine.

But I’m nice and fun too!

Last weekend, when a girl told me I was mean, I looked at her, smiled, and said, “I know, but it’s so much fun.” She laughed, I laughed, and we moved on.

I don’t deny it, I have fun with it. I’m not really mean. I don’t say hurtful, spiteful things inspired by anger. If that is what mean means to you, then read this. If mean means having fun and teasing girls, and taking playful jabs at them, then by all means, have fun with this, and don’t deny it.

When you get accused, step up, and ask if there is an award, or tell her you learned from the best, or that you teach classes on the subject. Tell her it is part of your subtle charm. Just don’t deny it.

Posturing

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You’ve definitely seen it.

The guys that posture in the bar, trying to look tough, or sexy, trying to get the attention of women.

You’ve probably done it. When there is a hot woman around, you suck in your gut, stand up a little more, maybe talk a little louder. You’re posturing.

“Posturing” can be a dirty word amongst some dating and mating advisers. It is seen as being something you aren’t, you are pretending to be something, and you are not being yourself.

I was hanging out with DC, THM, and DBR the other night, and DC brought up posturing. We talked about how some people would say you aren’t being authentic when you posture, however, we have seen guys that go into bars, do this, and get chicks.

So, uh, what’s going on?

All animals posture, from little lizards to babboons, to us. Animals posture when they are attracting a mate, or when they are intimidating a rival. Posturing is a sign of being ready. Someone posturing is ready to mate, or ready to fight.

Well, if you are ready to do these things, then it really isn’t so bad, is it? You are just communicating to the world this fact.

The problem comes in when you aren’t actually ready.

If you are posturing in this way, projecting to women that you are ready for romance (so to say), women will have that expectation of you. If you and a woman start interacting, and your actions don’t jive with this, she will know you were “just posturing”. You didn’t mean it, and you didn’t have the goods to back it up.

When you aren’t actually serious, that is when you are “posturing” in the negative sense that the word is being used. In that case you are something about yourself that actually isn’t true. Not good.

If you are going to posture, just make sure you mean it.

It's True: Flirting Is Meaningless!

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Yup.  All that flirting?  Worthless.  No value.  It means nothing.

I haven’t lost my mind, and flirting is still fun and effective.

I hear stuff like this from men a lot:

“If I go talk to her and flirt with her she will know I like her”.

“How can I flirt with a girl if I don’t really know her?  I don’t know if I like her?”

“If I tell her she is cute she has to decide right then if she likes me”.

For a man, just seeing a woman is enough for us to like her, or at least be interested in her.  This can get blown way out of proportion, so we feel like we are committing ourselfs to this woman, just for talking to her.  It’s as if we are putting everything on the line and stating how much we are interested that something work out between us and this woman.  It can get so blown out of proportion that for a lot of men, they think flirting is tantamount to professing your love for a girl (yes, a bit of hyperbole).

The thing is, though, it’s not.

Flirting means none of these things.  There is absolutely no commitment that goes along with flirting.  It is fun, and sexy, and interesting, and may spark interest, but in no way does this mean anything about your relationship with this woman.  After a man and a woman flirt with each other, there is absolutely no commitment or expectation.

If you flirt with a girl, there is no risk.

You see, what flirting really is is just a fun conversation, with some hints of romance or sexiness.  The key word here is fun.  The fun that you have when you are flirting doesn’t mean that you have to do anything after you have that fun, or that there will be any expectations based on that fun.

In practical terms, this means that you can flirt with the girl in front of you in line at the grocery store, on the bus or subway, or next to you in a bar, and not worry about it.  Let it be what it is, which isn’t much.

Now I’m not saying that this doesn’t mean it won’t ever go anywhere, if you start flirting with a woman, you can continue to get to know here, and move things along.  That’s where the flirting leads, in general.  The flirting itself though, does not lead to these things.  It is just a fun way to interact with a woman.

You should never let any fear of what it might mean if you flirt with a woman to stop you from doing it.