Monthly Archives: October 2009

Touch Is Communication

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Random lesson from a random memory today.

You may have heard how touch is important, how you should break the touch barrier early, and ramp up the touching as the relationship gets more intimate.

The real key to understanding your touch is to understand that it is just another form of communication.

The way you touch a woman, in the end, communicates with her.

One night, a long time ago, I met a woman out at the bars. After we had dated a few times, I asked her why she liked me. What was it that made her want to see me again that night we met?

She mentioned that she liked that I could approach her and start talking to her (confidence), and that I could keep up with her verbally (banter).

Then she said something that kinda surprised me. “You know how I knew you liked me?” she asked. “When you talked to me, you put your hand on the small of my back a little bit, and that’s how I knew that you liked me.”

A light bulb turned on above my head, and I realized that I had communicated with her with by the way that I touched her.

You can communicate that you are interested in her, that you like her, that you are feeling attracted to her, that you care for her, or that you are feeling intimate with her by the way you touch her.

Touch is pretty powerful stuff, because it is a very basic communication. You can say something you don’t mean, but you can’t touch in a way you don’t mean. One touch can’t be confused for meaning something else usually.

Also, the way you guys touch each other shows what is really going on with the two of you. If you and her have talked for hours, and really gotten to know each other, but haven’t touched much, the relationship still hasn’t progressed very far in terms of intimacy.

On the other hand, you and her may not have exchanged many words, but if you are comfortable touching each other, then things have progressed pretty far.

How To Be Nice Without Feeling Like a Chump

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A while back I wrote about how nice guys are manipulative bastards. It is a lovely piece of prose, I suggest you consume it. Those “nice guys” who are really nice to women are being manipulative in their own way, just in a way that every one expects and thinks is fairly normal.

And it begged the question, how do I be nice without it being manipulative?

Here’s the trick. You can be nice, but you have to be nice to yourself first. You have to expect other people to be nice to you to.

If a girl asks you to pick her up from the airport at 3am, and it is really inconvenient for you to do that, then don’t.

If you wouldn’t regularly go out to a really fancy dinner on a Saturday night, don’t bring the woman you just met there on a first date.

The trick to being nice is that if you are going to go out of your way to do something nice, then do it because you want to, and because it makes you feel good to do it.

Be nice to women, but don’t do it at the expense of being nice to yourself.

Some examples:

If I am on a date with a girl, and I get a little hungry, I’ll grab a bite to eat, and I’ll pay for whatever she gets. It’s nice to do, but I’m not going out of my way to do this nice thing to her. I don’t make it a point that I am buying something for her, but if it comes up in the situation, it’s not a problem.

I like to cook dinner, so I would be happy to cook for a woman on a date. I like to do it, I would like doing it for myself, so I would be happy to cook for her.

If a girl I knew needed a ride from somewhere, and I was in the neighborhood already, sure, I’ll give her a ride. I’m not going out of my way to make myself available to her or to help her out.

Heh, this post was a lot shorter than I thought it would be. Be nice. Be nice to yourself. Do nice things for women, but only if it was you want to do, not because you expect something in return.

Read King, Warrior, Magician, Lover With Me!

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I’m starting on a new book, thought I’d share.

King, Warrior, Magician, Lover book cover

King, Warrior, Magician, Lover: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine. This book is written by some Jungian psychologists who have researched and explored the 4 archetypal types of grown men (which you can figure out from the title). I’m doing a book club reading of this with some folks in San Francisco, and I will probably be writing a bit about this book here.

You’re invited to read the book as well, and follow my discussion of the book here on my blog.

I plan to think beyond just a critical analysis of this book, and to explore how the contents of this book can apply to my life, and possibly to your life as well. I’ll be reading and posting about this from time to time over the next three weeks or so.

If you’d like to get King, Warrior, Magician, Lover at Amazon, click here

Here’s a little baout the book from the author’s home page:

Here the authors explore today’s crisis in masculine identity and describe its two major causes – the disappearance of masculine rites of passage and patriarchy itself. They define the four mature male archetypes – the King (the energy of just and creative ordering), the Warrior (the energy of self-disciplined, aggressive action), the Magician (the energy of initiation and transformation), and the Lover (the energy that connects men to others and the world) – as well as the four immature patterns (Divine Child, Oedipal Child, Precocious Child, and Hero). Moore and Gillette believe the developmental history of every man is, in large part, the story of his failure or success at discovering within himself the archetypes of mature masculinity.

The most interesting aspect of this book is that it does not just talk abotu the archetypes of manhood, but also talks abotu the types of boyhood, and how immature men behave, and the distractions they may find on their path to manhood.

This should prove to be an interesting read! Again, if you want to get King, Warrior, Magician, Lover at Amazon, click here.