Faithful readers, I have a treat, a rare new post.
I got an email question from Sexy Fez (who gets props for having such a snazzy name):
I wanted to ask you a question about dealing with women (and by extension, people in general). I’m an introverted, quiet person who needs some solitude to recharge and can really get lost in his work. Because of it, I’m occasionally unable to give time to a girl. I feel bad about it because I let her down. And yet, my sole purpose in life isn’t just to make a woman happy, there are other goals too that I wish to accomplish and I need to give them dedicated time.
What do you think about this scenario, and what advice would you give? It’s not that I don’t give women time, I just can’t give them time every time that they’re needing it, because I’m busy with my own stuff. You can only say sorry afterwards and makeup so far. I end of up wishing that they too have some private goals to keep them busy.
I’m an introvert too. Big time.
Most days, when I get home from work, I just want to sit around and play Skyrim (yes, I’m a year late to the party, but I just got Skyrim).
I want time to myself. I can’t spend all my time with my lady, I’ll go nuts if I do.
So what to do?
There’s four things that come to mind, numbered here from least helpful to most helpful:
- Suck it up and deal with it
- Establish expectations early
- Quality instead of Quantity
- Bring her in
Suck it up and deal with it!
There are certain realities to the world. Death. Taxes. Etc.
Also, relationships take work. All relationships. To maintain a romantic relationship, or a friendship, or relations with your family, you have to put time in to them.
The more time you put in, the stronger the relationships will be. It’s just a fact of the world.
Yes, there are those great friendships where you can see someone after a couple years, and it’s as if no time has gone by. Those are few and far between though, you can’t count on every friendship following that pattern.
So, if you want relationships, you’ve got to put in at least some work to maintain them.
We can do better than that though, let’s keep reading…
Establish expectations early
Now that I’ve got the “deal with it, bro” advice out of the way, we’ll get in to some of the good stuff.
One of the big lessons I learned from Lance that has stuck with me is that if something is wrong in the current state of the relationship, it means you did something wrong in the previous stage of the relationship. If she doesn’t answer the phone when you call, you did something wrong when you got her number. If she doesn’t go out with you on a second date, you did something wrong on the first date.
If a woman wants to spend more time with you in a relationship than you have to give, then you may have set the wrong expectation when the relationship was starting.
If you only have one day a week to see a girl, it is important to establish that early, and make it clear that with your busy schedule, that’s all the time that you have available.
Sometimes, when we’re first dating a woman, we’ll see her a couple times a week, because it’s exciting and fun! This then sets the expectation that you will see each other a couple times a week every week, and it is then hard to back away from that.
When I start a new relationship, I establish that I’m busy, and don’t have a couple times a week to spend together. The bonus to this is that it is true, I am very busy, just like it sounds like Sexy Fez is. I don’t see a woman more than once a week, even if I want to. You can always increase the amount of time you spend together, after all.
Quality Over Quantity
This is a quick one.
The basic situation we’re addressing is that the woman you’re dating wants to spend more time with you than you have to give.
If this is your situation, make sure that the time you do spend together is really good.
Focus on the time you spend together, and make it good time.
Bring her in
It’s not a cure-all, it won’t magically make all your problems go away, but it might help. So here you go:
Bring her in on it.
Let her know why it is so important to you. Let her know why you need your time, how having your time makes you happy, and working on your goals and aspirations makes you happier, and better.
Let her know that you appreciate that she lets you have your time to work on your projects.
Really, this is about opening up and sharing. Sharing the right stuff, in the right way. You want her to feel how you feel about your work, and what you do with your time, so that she can understand it, and understand that it is important to you.
Really, this is about building a connection between her and yourself. The “you” that you really are, not the “you” that she wants you to be.
Find The Right Women
We’re all different. Different men, different women, we all want and need different things.
Fez and I, we need a lot of time alone, to ourselves, and that’s just fine.
There’s a lot of other men out there that are the same, and there’s a lot of other women out there that are the same.
There’s also a lot of men and women out there that like to spend a lot more time with the person they are dating. For some people, three or four times a week is about right.
The easiest way to have a woman accept that you need your time to yourself, is to find a woman that understands and appreciates that. Do that, and you’ll be happy.
It’s a little tougher, but find that woman, and you’ll be happy.
How do you build an emotional connection and increase intimacy with a woman? Conventional wisdom would probably say, “open up and share stuff about yourself”. Maybe you would here something like, “show how much you care”. Maybe you could “show that you appreciate her”.
It is pretty clear that Britney Spears is unhappy. Her recent haircut extravaganza is a nice indication of this. A lot of people are unhappy in this world. Now, I don’t know the trials of the superstars, and I am sure that they have a whole slew of unseen pressures and responsibilities. I think that for most people though, happiness, or a lack thereof, can be tracked back to health, wealth, or relationships.