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Author Archives: Sean Deacon
Male Pattern Irrationality, Part 23
Or: Sean Falls In Love For The 178th Time
Happy New Year!
The new year always seems like a time when we can make a big shift in our life.
But I digress.
Last night was New Years eve. I went out with half a dozen friends out to some bars in the Mission to celebrate. I ended up meeting Zoey, and talked to her for a while. She was fun, cool, and cute. Ah, life was good.
Eventually, she had to run off to find a friend, but we told each other we would talk later. Anyway, I was in love. Smitten. I was into her, and I wanted to talk to her more and see where it could go.
Then my buddies told me to hit on Laura, who was getting drinks at the bar next to us. Don’t mind if I do, so I started talking to her. I figured it would be something to do while I waited to find Zoey again. Then something unexpected happened. I helped Laura carry her drinks back to her friends, and then proceeded to dance and kiss the night away with her. I’m totally smitten with her.
This morning, I talked to one of my friends I was out with last night. They had no idea where I had gone last night when I was with Laura, since I kinda disappeared to hang out with her. All my friends ended up leaving to go somewhere else. So anyhow, I was telling my buddy about my night, and about the girl I met last night.
He tells me, “Ah, you’re in love”.
Then I realize: “Yeah, but I was in love with the girl I was talking to earlier in the night right before I met her too.” He laughed, but I realized there was a nugget of something here.
Have you ever met a woman, hit it off with her, and then couldn’t get her out of your mind? Maybe you met her in a bar, and want to talk to her more and get her number, or you got her number, and then just think about what to say, what to text, or how to make it work out?
Because that happen last night, with the first woman I met. I was thinking, “where is she? I want to talk to her more.” This lasted ALL night. Well, no. Not all night. About 10 minutes. Right up until I met the next girl I really liked.
That fixation was real though. I experience it all the time. I see it in men that I coach. I see it in my friends. Things go well with a woman, and we get fixated on her. We want it to work out. We want her to like us, and we aren’t so interested in any other women.
I hear questions like, “what should I text her?”, or “should I leave so she doesn’t see me talking to other women?” All subtle variations of “how do I not screw this up?”
This fixation is a Male Pattern Irrationality. It doesn’t make sense, but we tend to focus on the last woman we met. We forget the ones we met before her. There is only room for one woman in our memory at a time.
When a woman fills this irrational spot in our memory, we do all sorts of crazy stuff. We act different, try to act too cool, or we are too eager, or too needy, or too something. Basically, we are much more prone to getting in our own way of it working out.
This “problem” is also its own solution though. If there is a woman you have met, and you really like her, the best thing you can do is to immediately go meet another woman. Fill up that irrational spot in in your memory with another woman. This will free you to think about this first woman that you really liked in a much more rational way.
Then you can proceed to get smitten with her again in a totally rational way.
Happy New Year. One of the changes I am planning to implement this year is keeping up with my blog. I have dozens of unwritten posts floating up in my head, hopefully I’ll get them down on paper.
Lance's Birthday!
I went out to Lance Mason’s birthday celebration the other night.
What did we do? How does a guy who has spent years of his life learning how to be better with women, then spending even more years teaching other guys (including me) celebrate his birthday?
Well, that’s the question.
Lance’s girlfriend planned something special for him, and about 2 dozen of Lance’s friends met him out to celebrate.
We had a good old time. it was great to see old friends, and meet new friends, and what we did when we all got together was pretty fun.
Lance had no idea what the plan was.
In fact, he started a little contest. I just found out last night that he was having this little contest. If you are the first person to guess how we celebrated Lance’s birthday, he is giving you a special gift.
I don’t know if the contest is still going on, after all, I am a little late sharing this info. It may be too late, someone may have won the contest already, but hey. Contests are fun.
Click here to enter the contest
You have to scroll down a little to get to the contest entry form.
We had a good old time, and here’s a little hint:
I got a nice reminder of how much I like fishnets.
Thank You!
I was at an event this weekend with a number of men who have read this blog. A couple of you came up to thank me, or tell me you enjoyed certain posts and articles I have put up.
It is great to know that people read what I write and find it helpful. I hope that what I write can be a resource for people to make their lives better, in whatever way that may be.
Thank you for the feedback.
Posturing
You’ve definitely seen it.
The guys that posture in the bar, trying to look tough, or sexy, trying to get the attention of women.
You’ve probably done it. When there is a hot woman around, you suck in your gut, stand up a little more, maybe talk a little louder. You’re posturing.
“Posturing” can be a dirty word amongst some dating and mating advisers. It is seen as being something you aren’t, you are pretending to be something, and you are not being yourself.
I was hanging out with DC, THM, and DBR the other night, and DC brought up posturing. We talked about how some people would say you aren’t being authentic when you posture, however, we have seen guys that go into bars, do this, and get chicks.
So, uh, what’s going on?
All animals posture, from little lizards to babboons, to us. Animals posture when they are attracting a mate, or when they are intimidating a rival. Posturing is a sign of being ready. Someone posturing is ready to mate, or ready to fight.
Well, if you are ready to do these things, then it really isn’t so bad, is it? You are just communicating to the world this fact.
The problem comes in when you aren’t actually ready.
If you are posturing in this way, projecting to women that you are ready for romance (so to say), women will have that expectation of you. If you and a woman start interacting, and your actions don’t jive with this, she will know you were “just posturing”. You didn’t mean it, and you didn’t have the goods to back it up.
When you aren’t actually serious, that is when you are “posturing” in the negative sense that the word is being used. In that case you are something about yourself that actually isn’t true. Not good.
If you are going to posture, just make sure you mean it.
Yeah, so, uh, where was I?
If anyone is actually reading this, you know I haven’t been writing on this blog for a while.
Yeah, things happen.
I’ll probably be writing more now.
Feel free to get excited.
Get What You Want, Player
I was having lunch with a friend of mine yesterday, and we were talking about where we were in life, and what we wanted. She called me a player at one point, and I laughed and told her that I certainly was.
I thought about it for a second though, and I told her, “You know what a player is. A player is a guy that knows what he wants in life and goes out and gets it.”
She joked around that I always get what I want, and we had some fun after that.
That’s what a player is though, someone who knows what he wants and goes about getting it. A player knows what he is all about, and is OK with it. He has come to terms with it, and has no guilt over it. He has no shame about what he does, or what he wants.
This is a good thing. Knowing what you want and going about getting it is one of the most valuable life mindsets there is. If you have any hang ups, or guilt, or shame about the things that you want, then you need to work past that, and learn to treat yourself first. Be selfish, and be greedy with what you bring into your life. It’s ok.
If you are just lazy, then you need to think long and hard about what you want, if you really want it, and if it is worth the effort and work that it will take.
I read a little David Deida last night, and something stuck with me. He wrote that it is never going to end. It is never going to be over. You are never going to get to that “one day” when everything falls in to place and the time is right to do what you really want to do. Do it now. Get to it, because if the time isn’t right, the time is never going to be right.
Let’s go out and get what we want.
Thoughts On Peacocking
Peacocks strut their stuff, and attract mates with their flashy, showy plumage.
Men can do the same thing. There are some schools of thought that say you should wear loud outrageous clothing and/or accessories when you go out to meet women, that it shows confidence and is attractive.
Here’s a couple things to keep in mind about this:
In theory, peacocking gear gives the girl a reason to open you. If you are wearing a funky this-or-that and a girl wants to talk to you, she can comment on it and safely open you. That’s one approach to this. In this case, find something that works for you. I wear a leather jacket with metal studs on the lapel, girls open me by commenting on it or touching it a lot. Same thing when I used to wear a steel chain as a necklace with a padlock (R.I.P. Sid Vicious). If this is the angle you are going for, find somethign that fits you, and who you are. I can wear that shit because I was a punk rock muthufucka back in the day.
The other thing to keep in mind, peacocking is mean to show confidence by wearing loud, flashy clothing. The wilder and louder, the more confidence and social savvy you have to have. One time I saw a guy wearing big old aviator shades and a loud tie in a club, and he was just resting against the wall, trying to look hardcore. In reality, he looked like someone that was trying to dress up for the night, but couldn’t really pull it off. When you wear loud, flashy clothing, people will expect you to be just as loud and social of a guy. If you’re not, it’s incongruent, and end up looking like a tool. This is just another thing to keep in mind. Your peacocking has to match your social gregariousness.
It's True: Flirting Is Meaningless!
Yup. All that flirting? Worthless. No value. It means nothing.
I haven’t lost my mind, and flirting is still fun and effective.
I hear stuff like this from men a lot:
“If I go talk to her and flirt with her she will know I like her”.
“How can I flirt with a girl if I don’t really know her? I don’t know if I like her?”
“If I tell her she is cute she has to decide right then if she likes me”.
For a man, just seeing a woman is enough for us to like her, or at least be interested in her. This can get blown way out of proportion, so we feel like we are committing ourselfs to this woman, just for talking to her. It’s as if we are putting everything on the line and stating how much we are interested that something work out between us and this woman. It can get so blown out of proportion that for a lot of men, they think flirting is tantamount to professing your love for a girl (yes, a bit of hyperbole).
The thing is, though, it’s not.
Flirting means none of these things. There is absolutely no commitment that goes along with flirting. It is fun, and sexy, and interesting, and may spark interest, but in no way does this mean anything about your relationship with this woman. After a man and a woman flirt with each other, there is absolutely no commitment or expectation.
If you flirt with a girl, there is no risk.
You see, what flirting really is is just a fun conversation, with some hints of romance or sexiness. The key word here is fun. The fun that you have when you are flirting doesn’t mean that you have to do anything after you have that fun, or that there will be any expectations based on that fun.
In practical terms, this means that you can flirt with the girl in front of you in line at the grocery store, on the bus or subway, or next to you in a bar, and not worry about it. Let it be what it is, which isn’t much.
Now I’m not saying that this doesn’t mean it won’t ever go anywhere, if you start flirting with a woman, you can continue to get to know here, and move things along. That’s where the flirting leads, in general. The flirting itself though, does not lead to these things. It is just a fun way to interact with a woman.
You should never let any fear of what it might mean if you flirt with a woman to stop you from doing it.
The Flirting Never Stops
Last night I was talking to my girlfriend on the phone. She told me that she was talking about me to some of her friends at work. She was telling them that over the weekend she was reminded that I still, after almost a year of dating, make sure that I flirt with her.
This is no accident.
We have all seen that boring couple. They don’t smile a lot, they don’t seem to be happy when they are together. They are together because of habit more than anything else. They look horribly bored.
We’ve also seen that annoying couple. You know the ones. They are the ones that laugh with each other, and they have their hands all over each other. They make us sick, because they are enjoying themselves so much.
The only difference between these two couples is that the second couple never stopped flirting with each other. They never stopped poking at each other, teasing each other, and playing. Flirting is such an easy thing to do, and it is fun for everyone involved. Almost nobody does this though. I think a lot of guys just don’t know how.
Do you know how to flirt with your girlfriend? If you are scratching your head, you need to listen to the CD on banter in the Surefire Attraction Secrets program. Flirting and banter isn’t just a skill that makes it easier to meet women. It will make your entire life better. Whether you have known a woman for 1 minute, 1 day, 1 month, 1 year, or 1 decade, you need to know how to flirt and banter. This is what puts the spice into a relationship. This is what keeps a relationship fun and exciting. This is what will keep your girlfriend happy.
And guess what. A woman that you keep happy, is going to keep you happy.
Learn this, and it will make your relationships work.