Tag Archives: Dating For Dorks

Be the Geek, Nerd or Dork That Women Love

Geeky stuff is fun. It really just is a fact of life. Geeky stuff is just cool. It’s fun to play with, mess around with, and be into.

Women are also really fun. I can go on and on about the ways that women are amazing and fun, but I think you already know.

Liking one does not preclude liking the other. Have your cake, and eat it too.

I have heard geeky guys say that beautiful women would not be interested in a nerdy guy like them, but that isn’t necessarily true. You can be a geek, or nerd, or dork, and still meet amazing women, and make them a part of your life.

This is the last of my Dating For Dorks articles for now, and I want to sum it all up and leave you with a final thought on this.

I started this series by admitting that I am a comic book geek. I love them. I travel around the country to go to comic book conventions. I am partial to Star Wars as well. In fact, I am in to pretty much all geeky things. My only real exceptions are that I am not really a Trek fan, and I’ve never played D&D.

My love of all things geeky has never been a deal breaker with women, but I follow certain guidelines to keep it that way.

I Have a Full, Balanced Life

I love the geek stuff. I have a whole lot more going on in my life than just my love of comics though, and that is important. If I were to never read a comic again, and get rid of my collection, I would have plenty of other things happening in my life. I am an artist, and engineer, writer, web designer, have various groups of friends, can get people together to have fun, and can throw a good party. Just for starters.

If all I had going on in my life was my comics, I would not be very cool. I would have little to share with others, and it might be harder to relate with other people that aren’t comic geeks like me.

This balance of other stuff in my life other than comics is crucial for being a cool guy who happens to love geeky stuff, and not just a geek.

I am Comfortable With My Geekery

I am completely comfortable with this geeky side to my life, and never feel like I have to downplay, defend, or explain my interests. The more comfortable I am with my huge comics collection, the more comfortable women are with me having it.

The first of the two biggest mistakes I could make would be to try to downplay my interest, and try to play it off like I’m not really that into it (even though I am). The second of the two biggest mistakes I could make would be to try to defend my hobbies, and try to explain the reason why I like the stuff I like.

Both of these things happen when someone is insecure about their interests, and fear that others will judge them for their interests. The first step is to not judge yourself, then to not care if others judge you. When you do this, it turns out that folks won’t judge you for this.

I Don’t Feel Like I Need To Share This With Her

I know that no woman I date will ever like comic books or Star Wars as much as I do. I don’t expect her to either. I have found that I have to keep this in perspective.

It seems like it would make sense for us to share the things we love with our women. I am very comfortable having my geeky hobbies be my own thing that I don’t share with women however. I’ve got friends I can get together with and geek out with, and don’t feel compelled to make her love the stuff as much as I do.

I also would never let comics become more important than it should be. I keep my priorities right, and I am pursuing a number of my goals and passions that are important to me. My geeky hobbies are just that, hobbies, and I don’t let myself get so wrapped up in them that I lose track of what I think is really important.

It’s Up To You

If you let your geekiness hold yourself back, then it will. If you don’t let the fact that yo are a nerd impact your ability to be a cool guy, then it won’t. It is up to you to decide what this means to you, and up to you to get what you want in life and not to compromise.

You can be a dork. You can also meet and date beautiful women. You are not Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons, you are your own person, and your destiny and identity are in your hands.

I want nothing less than for every nerdy, dorky guy to decide that they aren’t going to let any of their interests and hobbies hold them back, and to make themselves the coolest guys around.

The geek shall inherit the earth, why not take it a step further, and dominate it.

How to Be the Geek of Her Dreams

I think that every guy who has some dorky habits dreams of finding the perfect woman, beautiful, fun, loving, and loves all of our geeky habits. She reads Spider-Man comics, loves anime, has a Slave Leia outfit, and may or may not speak Klingon (at least a few words).

I actually do have a friend who has found himself the perfect geek woman. One of the stops on their honeymoon was to a comic book convention, he had a Green Lantern ring made of Amethyst and Diamonds for Valentine’s Day, and they can actually use both the sentence, “we talked about Star Trek: Deep Space Nine for an hour”, and “we weren’t expecting things to go so well” to describe their first date.

I am very happy for them, and they are very happy together.

It is pretty rare though for a man to find a woman who shares his love for all things geek.

Have you been to a comic book convention? The guy to girl ratio is pretty darn high. It is not a place to go to have good chances of finding love. I hear Star Trek and Sci-Fi conventions are even worse (I’ve never been to one – honest!)

Most of the time, the geeky guy ends up dating a less geeky woman, just as a result of numbers. And that’s great! I’ve never dated a woman that was really into any dorky stuff. One of them said she really liked Star Trek, but she never really acted on it. She may have just been trying to impress me..

So now you’ve got a girlfriend, or a woman you are dating, because you have followed all my other awesome advice on this blog, and you are wondering how you can share your love of all things geek with her.

It makes sense, after all. I love comics. I really really love comics. I think the medium is incredibly fun, amazing, and has incredible potential for storytelling and communication. I also just love geeky comics of Batman kicking butt (or just making drawings on the walls of caves way back in time, as he seems to be doing now).

Of course I would love to share my love of this with a woman. It’s important to me.

But then again, there is reality

I came to a stark conclusion after a few desperate attempts to share with women just why comics are so cool: They don’t care. No matter how much I love comics, that isn’t going to transfer over to her. She’s not ever going to love Star Wars even a tenth as much as I do. It just isn’t going to happen.

An even more important conclusion for me was when I realized that not only was she never going to be really interested in what I like, was when I realized that I was OK with that. I don’t mind that she doesn’t love my geeky stuff. I still enjoy it just as much.

Of course, if she does show an interest, I am prepared to share some stuff with her. I’ll give her a Strangers In Paradise book, Sandman, or Bone, and see how she likes that. If she likes it, I’ll give her more. If she shows any interest in Anime, I’ll watch Totoro with her, or some other Miyazaki film. If she is interested in some Sci-Fi I’ll take her to the latest Star Trek movie, or give her Stranger in a Strange Land to read. I’ll test the waters to see if she groks it. What I won’t do is overwhelm her with the stuff I love, or put any pressure on her to try it out.

Maybe she won’t ever be interested though. That is fine. I actually am not too interested in dating a woman that likes comics or Star Wars. I like having my own hobbies and interests. I’ve found ways to allow that side of me, those geeky hobbies, to flourish, without the need to share them with the women I date.

For one, I do them on my own time. I would never sit around and read a comic when spending time with a woman, or when she comes over to hang out. I enjoy my time with her, and leave the geeky stuff for my own time.

Also, I have found like minded guys who also love the stuff I love. I get to share this with them. I’ve got a decent group of comic geeks that I know in my area. Every now and then we will get together for a day, maybe go on a crawl to a bunch of comic shops, or go see some geeky movie, like we did when Wolverine: Origins came out in the theater. I got to really relish in my geekiness, without the need to share it with any women.

Keep it in perspective

back in college, my girlfriend was talking about some of the guys in her dorm building, and how disgusting she thought it was that they just played video games all the time. They just wasted their time on silly games.

What I didn’t tell her was that I wished I could just play video games all the time.

What women want is a man that has passions and inspiration in his life, and works to do and achieve stuff in line with those passions. It is one of those qualities of a man that is almost universally attractive. It goes back to the saying that the best way to meet women is to have something better to do than to meet women.

This goes back to the second post in this series about dating for dorks, when I wrote about having other things in your life besides your geekeries. If all you do with your time is read comics, or play video games, or perfect your Klingon fighting technique and language pronunciation, then yes, you may have a hard time finding a woman who finds that attractive. When it is just a small part of the overall picture, then you are in good shape.

Sometimes, at the end of the week, I want nothing more than to hop on my Xbox 360 and play Call of Duty with some friends and decompress from a week of working. I don’t do that every night though, nor would I want to. Nor would my women want me to either.

When you’ve got the rest of your life under control, then spending your extra time on your geekery of choice is no big deal. Better yet, you can do what my friend Dave does, and align his passions with his geekeries. Read his web comic, Space-Time Condominium. Dave is a geek at heart, but his passions are in making and drawing comics. He does both, and it shows in what he does and how he behaves. Plus, I mention him because he is an amazing wingman.

Don’t stop loving your geeky stuff, just find the time to love it, and don’t push it on the women in your life. Live and let live.

Coming up in the next post: I have no idea what.

Your Attitude Will Create Her Attitude

Dating for Dorks continues. See the last couple posts for more on this subject.

Often times, us dorks think that we have to hide our nerdiness from women.

If we could, we would put all our toys, video games, comics, DVDs and D&D books away in some iron clad chamber where they would never be found.

For the non-geeky reading this, I want you to understand what it feels like.

Believe it or not, most people think geeks are lame

The stereotypes of people that like geeky stuff are pretty bad. Imagine comic book guy from the Simpsons, or a D&D nerd, or some weird kid that watches too much anime.

The thing is, geeky fanaticism for comics or star trek is just as geeky as going to a football game, dressing up in your team’s colors, and playing fantasy football. It is the same as a woman getting dressed up with her friends in dresses and heels, going to watch the Sex and the City movie and drink Cosmos.

D&D and Star Trek get looked down on by society far more than football and Sarah Jessica Parker do however. Us dorks have years of social retards and [fairly true] stereotypes that helped shape what people think of our hobbies.

All of this can make a guy fairly defensive or cautious with this stuff. I have read threads on comic book discussion forums about guys that were scared to tell their girlfriend that they read comics, and threads asking other people if and how they hide their hobby from people.

The key to making women comfortable

What I have discovered is that women will be just as comfortable with my dorky hobbies as I am. That is really all you need to know.

I’ll expand on this anyway though…

My dorky hobbies are just one part of my life. I have plenty of other stuff going on in my life, as I talked about in my last post. I don’t hide the fact that I have these dorky habits. I tend to keep a couple graphic novels laying around on my coffee table, I’ve got an awesome Batman with a Green Lantern Ring action figure on top of my fridge, a Cobra Commander figure in front of my computer monitor on my desk, and I even still have a copy of Iron Man #128 in my liquor cabinet.

Like I said, I don’t hide it. I don’t, however, flaunt it outrageously. I keep all my comics put away in my closet, along with most of my other stuff. I’ve just got a few of my favorite things out around my apartment, but most of it is put away where it belongs. When a woman walks in to my apartment, she isn’t walking in to Sean’s Amazing Dungeon of Comics and Toys.

Clearly, I’m not hiding all of this stuff from people. I don’t even talk about it unless they ask. If they do, I don’t make a bigger deal of it than it is.

The important thing for her to know isn’t that I am a geek, but that I am secure with myself, and that is why I don’t make a big deal about it. If she asks about it, or it comes up, I mention it, and maybe joke about it a little bit.

Her: “You read comics?”

Me: “Yeah, I love all that geeky shit”

~or~

Her: “How many GI Joe figures do you have?”

Me: “Well, I have to have enough to recreate the assault on Cobra Island [with a smirk]”

The 2 things NOT to do

There are two things I don’t do, and that is to try to downplay it or explain it. Both of these responses display a little bit of insecurity about your habits and hobbies. The insecurity is far less attractive than liking comic books and GI Joe ever could be.

When someone downplays something they will try to excuse it, or make it seem like an accident. They might say something like, “oh, that’s just some old junk”, or I tried it out, but I don’t really like it that much” or something like that. Don’t downplay your habits.

The other response that shows some insecurity is to try to explain it. If a woman asks me about my comic book hobby, and I were to try to explain to her that comics have really matured and that there is a lot of really good stuff out there and it’s not all just kid’s superhero stuff, then I would be trying to make excuses or explain it.

This is just a way of being defensive about something, and defensive behavior is almost always insecure behavior.

If you like something that is pretty dorky, or have a collection of the geekiest thing imaginable, be secure about it, and drop the need to defend, explain, or downplay it.

What if she doesn’t give up on it?

Often times, just being comfortable with your loves and hobbies will be enough for a woman to be comfortable with it.

From time to time, a woman may push the point though, and really dig into you about it. They may challenge you, call the hobby immature, whatever. The trick in these situations is to banter. In particular, the two types of banter I would use would be to self-deprecate and to exaggerate on the point.

When I say self-deprecate, I mean to take what she is saying about you that may be thought of as lame or dorky, and make it worse. Take it to the next level of dorkiness, and describe yourself as that. Exaggeration does pretty much the same thing. Here are a couple of examples of what I mean.

Her: Why do you have that figure? [pointing to Cobra Commander]
Me: Oh, that’s Cobra Commander. He’s there as a reminder that I should be taking over the world.
~or~
Her: Wow, you are a dork!
Me: If you think this is bad, you should see my place when I have the Star Wars bed sheets on.
~or~
Her: You know these kinds of toys are for kids, right?
Me: Well, they were out of the special limited edition variant, so I had to get this one.

All in all, the point of all of this is that you should be secure with yourself, secure about what you like, and not let anybody throw you off of that.

In the next post I will talk about sharing your dorky habits with women, and whether you even should in the first place.