Tag Archives: Confidence

She said, “We don’t like timid men”

Timid men need not apply. Women agree on this.

My interaction with a couple girls on Saturday was very rich and metatextual. A lot happened that was very instructional. I am writing up all of the interesting parts in pieces, to extract the juicy information out of it.

I was on the balcony of Medjool, overlooking the dance floor, talking to a cute girl in a hat, and she talked about the different ways that men approach women. “We [women] don’t like timid men. We can tell when a man is timid, and it kills it.”

She told me that was why she liked me, I didn’t hesitate to come over to her and her friend and see what was going on, meet them, and flirt with them. I knew what I was doing, and I knew how I was going to approach them, how I was going to start the conversation, and felt good about my ability to talk to them and join their group.

It was coincidental that this was in the middle of an Art of Attraction workshop, an entire workshop devoted to making sure men aren’t timid. It sure as hell isn’t the time for me to be timid myself.

It was nice to hear from a woman that what I teach is, you know, right.

Recognizing Timidness

Timidness is the almost the complete opposite of confidence. Confidence is being sure and comfortable with what you are doing, not hesitating, and enjoying yourself.

A timid man is cautious, nervous, hesitant, and waits for permission, or a good reaction, before going on with what he is doing. A timid man doesn’t take risks, and doesn’t do anything to put himself on the spot.

I’ve noticed that the biggest reason that men are timid when approaching a woman is the fact that they are waiting to see how they will react. They are waiting for a good reaction before continuing the interaction.

Timid men want a good reaction before committing to an interaction. They are waiting for permission to join a group of women before they really open up and express them self.

The odd thing about this though, is that by being timid, the chances of being accepted by, and receiving a warm response from a group of women will go down drastically.

“Any woman wants a confident man.”

Women respond to your confidence.

Women always seem to give the same answers when they ask what they are attracted to in a man. They like a man who can just be himself, who can make her laugh, and above all, is confident.

Confidence is one of those things in life that, like all important things, is very simple, yet can be very difficult to put into actual practice.

Here are some of the things that display that a man is confident when he approaches a group.

  • He does not fidget when he walks, and when he stands next to the women
  • He makes eye contact with the women, and does not get nervous and look away when they give eye contact back
  • He talks slowly and calmly
  • He does not seek their approval before proceeding to talk to them
  • He smiles and enjoys the time he is spending with the women
  • He is sure of how he is going to approach, and says what he has to say without hesitation

This is just a partial list, but these are some of the things that women see that indicate if a man is confident about what he is doing or not.

There is no downside to confidence.

As men, we really have very little to lose by approaching some women and starting to talk to them. The worst that can happen is that they turn us down, or aren’t interested in meeting us. It may not exactly feel that way when we aren’t used to approaching women often, but this is true, objectively.

There is nothing to lose by being confident. If you have decided to approach a woman, it will not go worse by approaching more confidently. It can only make things go better, and kick off things with a woman better.

On the flipside, being timid can only make the woman’s reaction worse. Being timid when approaching a woman will not make her like you more, and it will not make a better first impression.

We teach confident behavior and how to confidently approach a woman at the Art of Attraction workshop. The workshop is three days, spending days and evenings in a classroom to learn, and more importantly, practice the skills that make you more confident. We spend two nights out on the town, meeting and talking to women, and working with our coaches to put the new skills into practice.

The workshop is an investment in your future, your relationships, and in the confidence that you feel every day.

Please feel free to click right here and read more about it on the PickUp 101 website.

This workshop will knock the timid right out of you, and women will thank you for that.

Fixation Will Make You Strike Out

I love baseball, I love to watch it, and I love to play it.

I played a year of little league when I was 11 or so.

I wasn’t very good. In fact, I kinda sucked.

One day at little league practice I had trouble hitting the ball. The more I fixated on it, the more nervous I became, and the harder it got to hit it. I got frustrated, and nervous, and anxious. All my team mates were watching. The more I fixated on hitting the ball, the harder it got.

It was humiliating, and it hurt my confidence to play baseball.

It hurt my confidence so much that I didn’t even make it into the major leagues as a pro baseball player. Maybe my life would be different if I just wouldn’t have fixated on the ball so much.

Home runs are better than strike outs, third base is better than first base

Somehow, baseball has worked its way into our collective “hitting on girls” vernacular.

We get to first base, second base, score, and strike out (like I did last night — even I don’t hit all of them out of the park).

I keep thinking back to that day in little league practice though, when I was so fixated on hitting the ball, that I repeatedly struck out. I thought that it can be really similar to learning how to flirt with women.

I remember being in bars and getting so fixated on trying to approach a woman and work my magic on her that I couldn’t actually do it. At least, not well. The more I fixated on this the more nervous I got, and struck out a lot of times.

This was very common when I was starting out my path to learn how to and be comfortable with picking up chicks. I was learning new skills and pushing the boundaries of my comfort zone, two things that drive a person to fixate on what they are doing.

If you have ever thought you should hit on a woman, but weren’t sure what to do, or what to say, or if you learned some lines somewhere and tried them out with a few women in a bar, without really being comfortable with the interaction, you may have experienced what I am talking about.

When you get into this state of mind when you are fixating on what to do when you talk to women, it lends itself to getting more and more nervous about what you are doing.

Hitting home runs should be fun.

The way to snap out of it when this happens is to jar that fixation somehow and shake that focus.

If you are at a bar, go get a shot with friends, and have a good old time shootin’ down a shot of whiskey. Grab a buddy and butt chests, or tell them a lame joke you heard.

When you focus on having fun instead of on the process of what you are doing, you can avoid the fixation that may be causing you to get more nervous and strike out. I don’t want you to strike out, that’s no fun for you, or the girl.

Baseball — and hitting on women — should be fun. Keep that in mind as the primary goal for a night out on the town, and it will all work out.

Batter up.

Does Barack Obama Validate You?

I am writing this on Barack Obama’s inauguration day, 20 January, 2009. This may not seem like it has anything to do with meeting women at first, but bear with me through the end.

Now, I am not an Obama lover. I thought he was the better choice of the two candidates to lead the country, but I don’t believe that he is the messiah, or that he will magically make the world a better place, and I am not irrationally filled with hope.

But some people do, and some people are.

At work today, the office manager allowed the inauguration to be played in one of the conference rooms. Anyone who wanted to take a break and watch it was free to do so. The office manager is not the most socially gifted person in the world, but she does make some efforts, and she made a joke in her announcement of the inauguration viewing that she may be crying when she sees him sworn in, if for no other reason than that Mr. Obama is able to put together a complete sentence that is grammatically correct.

I was thinking about this a bit, because I have noticed a sense of pride and joy over Obama being president that I don’t remember from any past inaugurations. Don’t misunderstand me, I completely respect the historical significance and the move forward in racial equality that this represents, and am filled with joy at the thought that both my 6 year old and 6 month old nephews will grow up in a country where a black man is president. I don’t think that we understand the social significance of this right now, and we won’t realize the significance until we see how the next generation is different.

Anyway, I got to thinking about why my office manager was having such a strong emotional reaction to this event. As I was thinking about this, I thought about the large, sweeping, overly-generalizing and stereotyping views about who are democrats and who are republicans. The story seems to be that democrats represent “intelligent” America, and the republicans represent “the real” America. I don’t buy into this, but it has become somewhat of a meme. I think that there are people out there that see Barack Obama’s win in the election as a victory for “intelligent” America.

So further more about my office manager. She is successful in an analytical field (I am an engineer by day), and very intelligent. She is not the most feminine woman, in fact very much not so. She dresses poorly, has a poor haircut, and really sacrifices the traditional attractive female qualities. I think she has sacrificed some of this in order to succeed. Or perhaps, that is what she tells herself. Seeing this victory of Obama, this victory of intelligence, so to speak, may very well be very validating for herself that she is right for being less womanly in order to pursue her “intelligent” career.

Now, this is pure conjecture, I have no idea if this is true at all, but I imagine that it is for a number of people. I think a number of people have a story about themself in their mind, and this story goes somewhat like this: “I have sacrificed certain things, or am not good at certain things, and that is ok, because I am intelligent. I may not be good looking, or socially successful, or wealthy, but that is alright because I am smart and intelligent”. It is a bit like the skit on Kanye West’s College Dropout album, “no, I don’t know what sexy is but I can count up the change in your purse very fast!”

So everybody that voted for Obama, and saw that as an intelligent choice, got a HUGE hit of validation today. If they have a story in their head explaining their life that uses their intelligence as a reason, or explanation, or consolation for not having other things in their life that they want, then that STORY got a huge hit of validation today.

Feeding from and seeking validation is a pretty uncool thing to do, and may be the subject of a future post, but I want to focus on the stories we tell ourself. I think that we all do it to some degree. These stories can be beneficial. Maybe the story you tell yourself is that you are too sexy for your shirt, and all the women want you because of that. That is a great story, and is gonna work for you.

You can come up with bad stories, or stories that make excuses for something else. Here’s some of the bad stories I told myself:

  • The things I say aren’t interesting, and people aren’t going to want to talk to me or be friends with me
  • If I have a strong emotional reaction to something, it is because I was not strong enough to keep it back, and these emotions are a sign of weakness

Or how about one of my favorites:

  • When I am mean and insulting to women I am using negs, or cocky/funny, or teasing them, and am being more successful with women! (when in reality, you are just insulting them and being a jerk)

Crazy stuff, huh? I spent years coming up with these stories, and I didn’t even know I was doing it! It wasn’t until a few years ago, when I started to closely examine my emotional patterns that I discovered that I told this story to myself.

Here are some other stories that I hear from men that are working to improve their dating life and ability to flirt:

  • I need some time not talking to women to get my “inner game” together. (No you don’t, you need to be around more women)
  • I’m not nervous about talking to that woman, I just want to wait until I finish my drink. (No, you’re actually just nervous)
  • I don’t like meeting woman out at night because quality women don’t go to bars. (No, they do, this is just an excuse)

These stories are insidious, we usually don’t even realize they exist, but they effect the things we do.

To find out what stories you may have floating around, ask yourself a question: what is it that I want that I don’t have?

Got it?

Now ask yourself: why don’t I have that, why is it hard for me to get that, or why am I not doing that?

The answer that you want to tell people is the story. The little thing gnawing inside of you that you are trying to ignore is the real answer.

Usually, the real answer to these questions is that “I am afraid. I am nervous. I am uncomfortable. I don’t have confidence in myself.”

I asked myself these questions, and came up with those answers. It felt shameful, and I felt a little weak. Like I wasn’t good enough. We are supposed to be capable of anything, and to admit fear or discomfort or lack of confidence is difficult.

I also realized that it’s ok. By accepting these uncomfortable answers, rather than the answers that our story provides, it allows us to confront these things and really change them.

REAL change requires confronting these inner demons, rather than just paying them lip service and avoiding them. If you want to make some fundamental changes to yourself, you might decide to look at some aspects of your life in this way.

So, uh, go out and do this! I don’t really know how to wrap this up other than to say that I spent a while doing this, I have journals filled with my notes and thoughts as I worked through these types of issues myself, and I am glad I did.

It is a good thing.

Listen To This Interview

The guys at Pickup Podcast did an interview with Cory Skyy.

It is good.  Really good.

He doesn’t really teach any tips or tactics, but this guy’s perspective is great.  If you have been exposed to a lot of tips and strategies to meet and attract women, listen to this interview.  It isn’t about finding the right thing to say to make her attracted, it is about being a dead sexy, confident, attractive man.

Just go listen to it.

Check out the podcast here.

Good With Women

Are you good with women?

Chances are that if you are reading this blog you either are good with women or are on your way to becoming good with women. Chances also are it was not always this way for you.

Last weekend, during PickUp 101’s flagship workshop, the Art of Rapport, I was working with a man who told me that for years of his life he was not good with women, and that he felt like 20 years of his life were working against him becoming this new person.

The interesting thing is, he IS good with women. The fact is, ANY man that goes through our Art of Attraction and Art of Rapport workshops is good with women. They just don’t always know it.

I really related with this guy. I remembered something I wrote about a year and a half ago on a local message board:

I have been wrestling with something internally lately, and if any of you have any comments, I would appreciate them. It is something that I think of as MAKING THE LEAP.

I was at El Rio last night. I almost didn’t come out cuz I knew I was in a weird mental state, but I forced myself for my mental health. I didn’t do any approaches, and I ended up heading home pretty early. It wasn’t approach anxiety stopping me, because that doesn’t stop me anymore. It wasn’t one-itis over either of the girls I’m working on right now, because that doesn’t stop me anymore either. It wasn’t lack of confidence either, because I have that when I need it.

I have the knowledge, and I have the confidence, and I have enough skill and charm to succeed, but I have a lot of trouble sometimes just letting go and BEING all this stuff.

What I am having trouble with is making the leap to adopting the identity of being successful with women, and being completely confident and congruent with this. I am having trouble being comfortable as a pick up artist.

Everything I have learned in the last year in the community has made a profound impact on me, but I am having trouble letting go of the old person I was and have been for the last umpteen years, and becoming the person I have the potential to be. This is the biggest thing holding me back from having the success I am capable of, but I haven’t quite been able to shake it.

Does this make sense? Has anyone had to make this kind of leap? How did you do it?

Or do I just need to say “f*ck it”, make the leap, and try to keep my feet running when I land?

As my student was explaining this feeling to me, I recalled how I used to feel.  Then, I had a flash. I told him that he was good with women. He kind of reluctantly agreed.

So I told him, “Tell me. Tell me you are good with women”

He kind of looked down, and said, “I am good with women”

“Tell me again!”

Same thing, he looked down, and said, “I am good with women”

“NO! Look into my eyes and tell me you are good with women”

He looked in my eyes, and flinched when he said, “I am good with women”

One last time I told him, “look in my eyes, don’t flinch, don’t look away, and tell me… that you are good with women”

He looked in my eyes and said, “I AM GOOD WITH WOMEN”

It was very powerful. By owning those words, I could tell that he was owning how it felt.

Find a friend, look into their eyes and tell them, “I AM GOOD WITH WOMEN.” You might surprise yourself.