Tag Archives: Comfort

Touch Is Communication

Random lesson from a random memory today.

You may have heard how touch is important, how you should break the touch barrier early, and ramp up the touching as the relationship gets more intimate.

The real key to understanding your touch is to understand that it is just another form of communication.

The way you touch a woman, in the end, communicates with her.

One night, a long time ago, I met a woman out at the bars. After we had dated a few times, I asked her why she liked me. What was it that made her want to see me again that night we met?

She mentioned that she liked that I could approach her and start talking to her (confidence), and that I could keep up with her verbally (banter).

Then she said something that kinda surprised me. “You know how I knew you liked me?” she asked. “When you talked to me, you put your hand on the small of my back a little bit, and that’s how I knew that you liked me.”

A light bulb turned on above my head, and I realized that I had communicated with her with by the way that I touched her.

You can communicate that you are interested in her, that you like her, that you are feeling attracted to her, that you care for her, or that you are feeling intimate with her by the way you touch her.

Touch is pretty powerful stuff, because it is a very basic communication. You can say something you don’t mean, but you can’t touch in a way you don’t mean. One touch can’t be confused for meaning something else usually.

Also, the way you guys touch each other shows what is really going on with the two of you. If you and her have talked for hours, and really gotten to know each other, but haven’t touched much, the relationship still hasn’t progressed very far in terms of intimacy.

On the other hand, you and her may not have exchanged many words, but if you are comfortable touching each other, then things have progressed pretty far.

Your Attitude Will Create Her Attitude

Dating for Dorks continues. See the last couple posts for more on this subject.

Often times, us dorks think that we have to hide our nerdiness from women.

If we could, we would put all our toys, video games, comics, DVDs and D&D books away in some iron clad chamber where they would never be found.

For the non-geeky reading this, I want you to understand what it feels like.

Believe it or not, most people think geeks are lame

The stereotypes of people that like geeky stuff are pretty bad. Imagine comic book guy from the Simpsons, or a D&D nerd, or some weird kid that watches too much anime.

The thing is, geeky fanaticism for comics or star trek is just as geeky as going to a football game, dressing up in your team’s colors, and playing fantasy football. It is the same as a woman getting dressed up with her friends in dresses and heels, going to watch the Sex and the City movie and drink Cosmos.

D&D and Star Trek get looked down on by society far more than football and Sarah Jessica Parker do however. Us dorks have years of social retards and [fairly true] stereotypes that helped shape what people think of our hobbies.

All of this can make a guy fairly defensive or cautious with this stuff. I have read threads on comic book discussion forums about guys that were scared to tell their girlfriend that they read comics, and threads asking other people if and how they hide their hobby from people.

The key to making women comfortable

What I have discovered is that women will be just as comfortable with my dorky hobbies as I am. That is really all you need to know.

I’ll expand on this anyway though…

My dorky hobbies are just one part of my life. I have plenty of other stuff going on in my life, as I talked about in my last post. I don’t hide the fact that I have these dorky habits. I tend to keep a couple graphic novels laying around on my coffee table, I’ve got an awesome Batman with a Green Lantern Ring action figure on top of my fridge, a Cobra Commander figure in front of my computer monitor on my desk, and I even still have a copy of Iron Man #128 in my liquor cabinet.

Like I said, I don’t hide it. I don’t, however, flaunt it outrageously. I keep all my comics put away in my closet, along with most of my other stuff. I’ve just got a few of my favorite things out around my apartment, but most of it is put away where it belongs. When a woman walks in to my apartment, she isn’t walking in to Sean’s Amazing Dungeon of Comics and Toys.

Clearly, I’m not hiding all of this stuff from people. I don’t even talk about it unless they ask. If they do, I don’t make a bigger deal of it than it is.

The important thing for her to know isn’t that I am a geek, but that I am secure with myself, and that is why I don’t make a big deal about it. If she asks about it, or it comes up, I mention it, and maybe joke about it a little bit.

Her: “You read comics?”

Me: “Yeah, I love all that geeky shit”

~or~

Her: “How many GI Joe figures do you have?”

Me: “Well, I have to have enough to recreate the assault on Cobra Island [with a smirk]”

The 2 things NOT to do

There are two things I don’t do, and that is to try to downplay it or explain it. Both of these responses display a little bit of insecurity about your habits and hobbies. The insecurity is far less attractive than liking comic books and GI Joe ever could be.

When someone downplays something they will try to excuse it, or make it seem like an accident. They might say something like, “oh, that’s just some old junk”, or I tried it out, but I don’t really like it that much” or something like that. Don’t downplay your habits.

The other response that shows some insecurity is to try to explain it. If a woman asks me about my comic book hobby, and I were to try to explain to her that comics have really matured and that there is a lot of really good stuff out there and it’s not all just kid’s superhero stuff, then I would be trying to make excuses or explain it.

This is just a way of being defensive about something, and defensive behavior is almost always insecure behavior.

If you like something that is pretty dorky, or have a collection of the geekiest thing imaginable, be secure about it, and drop the need to defend, explain, or downplay it.

What if she doesn’t give up on it?

Often times, just being comfortable with your loves and hobbies will be enough for a woman to be comfortable with it.

From time to time, a woman may push the point though, and really dig into you about it. They may challenge you, call the hobby immature, whatever. The trick in these situations is to banter. In particular, the two types of banter I would use would be to self-deprecate and to exaggerate on the point.

When I say self-deprecate, I mean to take what she is saying about you that may be thought of as lame or dorky, and make it worse. Take it to the next level of dorkiness, and describe yourself as that. Exaggeration does pretty much the same thing. Here are a couple of examples of what I mean.

Her: Why do you have that figure? [pointing to Cobra Commander]
Me: Oh, that’s Cobra Commander. He’s there as a reminder that I should be taking over the world.
~or~
Her: Wow, you are a dork!
Me: If you think this is bad, you should see my place when I have the Star Wars bed sheets on.
~or~
Her: You know these kinds of toys are for kids, right?
Me: Well, they were out of the special limited edition variant, so I had to get this one.

All in all, the point of all of this is that you should be secure with yourself, secure about what you like, and not let anybody throw you off of that.

In the next post I will talk about sharing your dorky habits with women, and whether you even should in the first place.

The hidden curse of American Freedom, and how to break free of it

This is a Deacon Go America message. Happy Fourth.

Our Country is free. What are you gonna do with it?

We have an amazing amount of Freedom in America. We have the freedom to make of ourselves, and our lives, what we want. Do you want to be rich? Famous? Have a big house? Lots of women? Lots of fun?

You can do pretty much anything in America, as long as it doesn’t hurt others.

So why aren’t you?

There is a hidden curse in the American lifestyle, and that is the curse of comfort.

Comfort is a nasty critter, it sneaks up on us and grabs us, and we usually don’t even know it. This critter can make us content with what we have, and make us feel good enough with where we are in life.

Comfort kills dreams.

Comfort makes us content with good enough.

One of the blessings of America is that it provides for people who just want to be comfortable, and it provides well. There is nothing wrong with good enough. If it you are happy with good enough, you will live a good life.

I have a feeling though, that if you are content with good enough, you wouldn’t be reading this blog.

How comfortable are you with who you are and where you are in life?

I don’t mean this in a “good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it people like me” sort of way. I mean this in the sense of how much you are used to being who and what you are.

It is possible to not like your job, but be comfortable with it. It’s possible to be comfortable with not having a lean, muscular body, even if you want something different.

It is possible to be unhappy with your relationships with women, but be comfortable with it.

The source of all comfort

The comfort we have in life is strongly linked to our routines and habits. Sticking to our habits is very comforting. When we do something outside of one of our habits, it is uncomfortable. When you walk into a coffee shop and see a spectacular woman in there, is it your habit or routine to walk up to her and flirt with her? For most people in this world, the answer is no, and for those people, it is very comfortable not to approach her.

The blessing of the freedom we have in America is that we are free to do things that we are not comfortable with. We have the freedom to break our habits, and change our routines. This is no small thing. This is a luxury, and one that we can afford because of all of the comforts that we have in America.

How to break the curse of comfort

How do we break our habits and change our routines?

This is one of those questions where the answer is simple, but not easy.

It is like asking how to lose weight. The answer is simple, exercise and take in less calories than you burn.

Changing your habits and routines is simple: Do different stuff.

That answer, however, does not describe how difficult it is. In reality, there are a whole bunch of reasons why it is hard to change our habits and routines. It takes effort and diligence, and most of all, it takes an awareness of when the comfort of a habit is sneaking up on us.

Remember, comfort is a nasty critter that will sneak up on you. Even when you have started to make changes and do things differently, that critter might find you and grab you again. Before you know it you are back to your old comfortable habits.

Start by paying attention to your habits

I’ll have more about identifying and changing habits and routines in the future, but for those of you that want to start doing something today, pay attention to your habits, and when you are comfortable.

Everything you decide to do, ask yourself if you are doing it because it is exciting, and pushing you forward in life, or if it is merely the comfortable thing to do.

God Bless America, because we can have the comforts of life, while pushing the boundaries of what makes us comfortable.

Happy Fourth of July everyone.