Tag Archives: Art of Attraction

She said, “We don’t like timid men”

Timid men need not apply. Women agree on this.

My interaction with a couple girls on Saturday was very rich and metatextual. A lot happened that was very instructional. I am writing up all of the interesting parts in pieces, to extract the juicy information out of it.

I was on the balcony of Medjool, overlooking the dance floor, talking to a cute girl in a hat, and she talked about the different ways that men approach women. “We [women] don’t like timid men. We can tell when a man is timid, and it kills it.”

She told me that was why she liked me, I didn’t hesitate to come over to her and her friend and see what was going on, meet them, and flirt with them. I knew what I was doing, and I knew how I was going to approach them, how I was going to start the conversation, and felt good about my ability to talk to them and join their group.

It was coincidental that this was in the middle of an Art of Attraction workshop, an entire workshop devoted to making sure men aren’t timid. It sure as hell isn’t the time for me to be timid myself.

It was nice to hear from a woman that what I teach is, you know, right.

Recognizing Timidness

Timidness is the almost the complete opposite of confidence. Confidence is being sure and comfortable with what you are doing, not hesitating, and enjoying yourself.

A timid man is cautious, nervous, hesitant, and waits for permission, or a good reaction, before going on with what he is doing. A timid man doesn’t take risks, and doesn’t do anything to put himself on the spot.

I’ve noticed that the biggest reason that men are timid when approaching a woman is the fact that they are waiting to see how they will react. They are waiting for a good reaction before continuing the interaction.

Timid men want a good reaction before committing to an interaction. They are waiting for permission to join a group of women before they really open up and express them self.

The odd thing about this though, is that by being timid, the chances of being accepted by, and receiving a warm response from a group of women will go down drastically.

“Any woman wants a confident man.”

Women respond to your confidence.

Women always seem to give the same answers when they ask what they are attracted to in a man. They like a man who can just be himself, who can make her laugh, and above all, is confident.

Confidence is one of those things in life that, like all important things, is very simple, yet can be very difficult to put into actual practice.

Here are some of the things that display that a man is confident when he approaches a group.

  • He does not fidget when he walks, and when he stands next to the women
  • He makes eye contact with the women, and does not get nervous and look away when they give eye contact back
  • He talks slowly and calmly
  • He does not seek their approval before proceeding to talk to them
  • He smiles and enjoys the time he is spending with the women
  • He is sure of how he is going to approach, and says what he has to say without hesitation

This is just a partial list, but these are some of the things that women see that indicate if a man is confident about what he is doing or not.

There is no downside to confidence.

As men, we really have very little to lose by approaching some women and starting to talk to them. The worst that can happen is that they turn us down, or aren’t interested in meeting us. It may not exactly feel that way when we aren’t used to approaching women often, but this is true, objectively.

There is nothing to lose by being confident. If you have decided to approach a woman, it will not go worse by approaching more confidently. It can only make things go better, and kick off things with a woman better.

On the flipside, being timid can only make the woman’s reaction worse. Being timid when approaching a woman will not make her like you more, and it will not make a better first impression.

We teach confident behavior and how to confidently approach a woman at the Art of Attraction workshop. The workshop is three days, spending days and evenings in a classroom to learn, and more importantly, practice the skills that make you more confident. We spend two nights out on the town, meeting and talking to women, and working with our coaches to put the new skills into practice.

The workshop is an investment in your future, your relationships, and in the confidence that you feel every day.

Please feel free to click right here and read more about it on the PickUp 101 website.

This workshop will knock the timid right out of you, and women will thank you for that.

Understand the attractive woman’s experience

An attractive woman gets hit on constantly when she is out at the bar or club. You have no idea how frustrating and annoying this is to her.

Last Saturday night during an Art of Attraction workshop I ended up talking to two women up on the rooftop bar we went to. One of them was cute with the type of round face that I like, and she was wearing this interesting, funky hat that conveyed some nice personality. She laughed at the things I said too, which is a quick way to win me over.

Her friend was blonde, and had nice large breasts that she was not shy about sharing with the world. The dress she was wearing was very revealing, God bless her.

The girl with the hat and I hit it off, and got a lot of time to get to know each other. Her friend, the blonde, was being a good wingwoman, and giving us our space to talk.

They practically lined up for her

It was very interesting to see that the friend of the girl I was hitting on was never left alone.

It turns out (surprise, surprise) that if you are a blonde, attractive women with big breasts, you get hit on. A LOT. Even more so if you wear a dress that reveals just how much assets you have.

The three of us eventually left the rooftop bar to go to the lower floors of the club. My girl and I were getting closer as we checked out the scene of the dance floor from the balcony, and her friend was just kind of hanging back 10 feet or so.

A few guys approached the friend while we were hanging out on the balcony. She talked to them for a few seconds or a minute, then blow them off. 10 to 30 seconds later, there was another guy coming up to her to hit on her.

It was really rather absurd how often she got hit on. It was frequent enough to make her night a very frustrating night. in fact, when I first approached the two of them, I could see this frustration in her response. She was annoyed by yet another guy approaching them. This kinda changed when I got her to laugh a little with my banter, and she saw that me and her friend were getting along well.

I want to get back to this woman’s experience though. She could not be left alone by men approaching her. Most of them approached in the same, boring, “playing it cool” way that every other guy did. After a while, I don’t think any type of approach would stand out to her.

Spare some change?

The closest experience to this for a man that I can think of is when we are constantly asked for money by homeless people.

In San Francisco, there are a lot of homeless folks on the streets. I work downtown, and live by Union Square, two areas that have a very dense homeless population. As I walk to work, walk around at lunch, and walk about my neighborhood, I am constantly bombarded with people asking for change.

After a couple times, I just tune it out and ignore it. It doesn’t matter how compelling their reason for asking for my money is, I tune it out. Now imagine if this happened every minute for the 20 minutes it takes me to walk to work in the morning, and the 20 minutes it takes me to walk home.

I would be very frustrated; I would be thoroughly annoyed.

This woman must have been approached at least 40 times that night. I personally saw her get approached about 10 times in the 20 to 30 minutes that I was talking to her friend.

So what would it take for you to get that girl?

What would it take for the homeless guy to get your change?

Be different

You’re gonna have to be confident. You can’t be timid. Even more so than all of this, I think that showing some understanding of what she is experiencing will take you even further.

Show that you understand that she has been hit on all night, and relax. Don’t hit on her. Win her over by chilling out, and getting to know her. Have a real conversation with her, and don’t really try to “pick her up”.

This is far different than how most guys approached this woman. Most approached trying to show how cool they were, be a mack daddy, and get their groove on. By trying to stand out by being cool, they blended in with the rest.

The guy that would really stand out would be the one that wasn’t trying to be cool, that wasn’t trying to impress her or hit on her. The man that could walk up to her and have a normal conversation with her, taking time to find out who she really is beyond just blonde hair and body that gets a man’s blood pumping, is probably going to get a lot further than the guys trying to play it cool.

Taking some time to think about and understand a woman’s experience will give you great insight on how to approach and meet these type of women.

How To Flirt At Work

The internet disappoints me.

I did a google search for “how to flirt at work” and the most miserable results come up. If you believe the sources that Google says are the most relevant, all you need to do to make the ladies at your job swoon is to smile, give them compliments, and offer to do their work for them.


This stuff just doesn’t work. Sure, smiling and complimenting a woman may be a part of flirting, but it doesn’t really explain how to do it.

If you want to get an idea on how to actually flirt, read my article about role-playing and banter. That is, after all, what makes women like you.

There is more to flirtation than that, including teasing, playfulness, and innuendo, but banter is a huge part of what flirting actually is.

What about flirting with the women at work?

This is a question that always gets asked at the Art of Attraction workshop. Men want to know how to hit on that hot chick at work.

The simple answer: carefully and delicately.

Sexual harassment laws in our country being what they are, know the policy. Unwanted sexual advance or comment can be prosecuted. I am in no ways an expert. If you are going to flirt with girls at work, know the regulations that apply to you and your work environment. This post is written as infotainment, and is not advice. Don’t do something stupid.

If you are looking for an article about how to date women you work with, this isn’t it. I don’t date the women I work with. I don’t hook up with them. I don’t mess around with them. It makes life easier, and I don’t care how hot she is, there are plenty more women in the world that don’t have that particular complication attached.

But I do flirt with them.

I work with many women that I flirt with all the time. It keeps things fun. There are also many women at my day job that I don’t really flirt with. Some of them are receptive, and some are not. Some are kinda receptive, and some I can be more liberal with the flirtation.

Test the water before you dive

High octane flirtation does not always go over well. Also, you do not want to be the guy at work that hits on everything that breaths. Neither of these are good for your career, and your career should come before flirtation.

The hail mary banter or flirtation that may work well in the bars or clubs isn’t gonna be appropriate in the office. Out of place it can be too aggressive, and inappropriate. I test the waters out slowly, with a little flirtatious comment here and there, and I pay attention to how they react.

Throwing some roles into your banter is a good way to do this. Start with something fairly tame. You don’t want to start off by setting up roles of you as the love pirate and her as your slave. That is way overboard.

You can accuse a woman of being the office trouble maker, or set yourself up in the role of the boss, with her being one of your minions. The important thing is to do something that can be fun, but without a lot of sexual overtones to it. Then see if she plays along. If she plays along, laughs, smiles, and banters back, then it is a good sign that you can flirt with her a little more.

Once you know she is gonna respond to being flirted with, then you can slowly add a little more. By “slowly add a little more”, I mean over days and weeks. Not right away. There is no hurry.

Don’t touch too much

I am usually a very touchy feely flirt. I will be all over girls when I meet them, I put my arm around them, hold their hand, and so on. Not at work though. This is again, one of those things that I test out over time. When I do touch one of my coworkers, it is very little, gentle, quick, and as non-obtrusive as possible. I might touch their arm or shoulder, but that is about it. Anything more than that has to be with someone that I have a longtime relationship with, and we have worked that into the boundaries of what is acceptable.

Another way to not make any touching as awkward is to touch everybody, man or woman. This is the behavior of high status people by the way, and is something that good bosses will do. If you show that you are just a person that is comfortable touching people, you won’t so much be the weird guy that touches all the women.

Ramp things up after work

You can bump up the flirtation after work. Go out to happy hour with some of your coworkers, and you can bump up the level of your flirtation a bit. It is more appropriate in social situations because, well, it’s more appropriate in social situations.

You do need to still keep things appropriate, just because you’re not at work does not mean it is time to go hog wild. Even though you may not be in the office, you, and she, are still around co-workers, and their impression of you will be made as much after work as during work.

Many women aren’t going to want to be known as the office flirt, and for good reason. Keep this in mind. If you are making her uncomfortable with how much you are flirting you are missing the point.

The most important point

The most important thing to do if you are going to flirt with your co-workers is to pay attention to how they respond. A good response is smiles and laughs, and her flirting back. If you don’t get this type of response, pull it back.

Also keep in mind that it is possible to be playful without being too flirtatious. This is usually a matter of cutting out any sexual overtones in your flirtation and banter. You never want to make a woman you work with feel uncomfortable.

Take it slow, and have some fun. The more you flirt with your co-workers, the more you will get a sense for what is OK, and what is not. Flirting with your co-workers is a good way to keep things fun for you and her.

Why You Get Nervous Approaching In Bars

I was hanging out in the Marina District one weekend. I ran into my friend Shawn, in addition to a bunch of other folks I knew.
“I still get nervous and full of anxiety when it is time to approach a girl” he told me.

Interlude: Earlier that night I was hanging out with my friend Ben, who was visiting from New York for the weekend. Ben and I decided that we wanted to have one of those nights where we drink a lot and have a good ol’ time together.

We were in the back room of the Matrix with a couple other friends, and two girls walk around the corner.

“There you are, we’ve been waiting all night for you guys,” I say to them as soon as I see them.

Ben doesn’t skip a beat, “Yeah, where have you been?”

He pulls one over to him, and I pull one over to me, and we start bantering and flirting with them. Standard protocol.

Eventually the girls left, we had a half hour of fun with them, then they went off on their merry way. Neither Ben nor I were particularly interested in these girls, we were just having a good ol’ time.

End Interlude.

So I told Shawn about what happened earlier when I was hanging out with Ben. There was no anxiety or nervousness because there was no actual approach. We were having fun, and they were there. Of course I said something to them.

When you are out in a bar or a club, there are always women around you to talk to and flirt with.

The way to not get anxious and nervous when you approach is to not approach in the traditional sense at all. Don’t stand there, think about how you want to approach her, then approach her. This is going to make you nervous as can be.

Approaching should be a lot more spontaneous when you are out at a bar or a club. If you are having fun yourself, this is going to make your interactions go all the more better. When you approach spontaneously, there won’t be a chance for your fun to turn into nervousness.

If you’re gonna go to bars and clubs to meet women, make sure you are having fun first.

Now go meet some women!

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If you are wondering what to say, or how to start interactions like this with women, check out the Art of Attraction workshop. We spend two and a half days learning exactly this, part of which is spent out in bars and clubs. In fact, if you take the workshop in San Francisco, chances are you will go to the very bar that all of the above took place at, and talk to some gorgeous women too..

CLICK HERE to find out more info.

Sean Newman? More Like Delusion…

Sean Newman seems to have written something a little strange.

He seems to think that him and his boys out on the east coast are the “dream team” of PickUp 101.

Whatever, Sean.

He seems to have forgotten about Daniel, Niels, Walter, Asher, Jeff, Ken, etc, etc.  Ie., he forgot about the all star team we got out here.

Sean, you can keep your dream team, and you can keep dreaming.  We got the All-Stars.

Here’s my OFFICIAL response to Sean’s claim:


This is Sean Deacon, senior instructor at PickUp 101.
You may have read my blog, you may have learned from me
at one of our Art of Attraction or Art of Rapport workshops,
and if you are a VIP subscriber you will get a DVD soon
where I explain how to make women love you.

I get these newsletters in my inbox just like you, and
yesterday was no different… except for one thing.
You read the newsletter, and you heard what Sean Newman said.


I re-read it to make sure he really said what I think he said.
Continue reading

Make the Conversation SEXY!

Red BraArt of Attraction workshop, Saturday Night. Three girls are standing in the back area of the Bubble Lounge, time to approach!

“Sorry I’m late guys…”

They respond, “Oh my god! Where were you?”

We banter off of this for 30 seconds or so, and the one on my right likes me. We talk about going out in the City, what the scene is like. The girl on my right says something along the lines of, “I don’t always go out. You can’t do it all the time.”

“Yeah. You need to wait at least ten minutes between times doing it. I mean, you need some time to rest.”

It took a second, but then they cracked up laughing. Went on to talk about a few other racey things, then eventually the girls were leaving. They suggested I meet them at the next club, but alas, I was working, and not really interested to boot.

So what was the point of this story, other than bragging about how women want me?

It’s that you can take a flirtatious conversation to a sexual level quickly, and that women will like it.

With some caveats.

You have to really OWN this type of conversation, meaning you have to be completely comfortable when talking and joking about sexual topics and innuendo. Hesitation and nervousness will make these comments drop to the floor like a lead brick.

So why even bring up sexual conversation, create sexual innuendo, and misinterpret statements in a sexual way?

This type of conversation shows that you are a sexual person. More importantly, it shows that you are comfortable with that. When you are comfortable with this, women will know they can be comfortable with their own sexuality around you. No matter what kind of relationship you want with a woman, it is good when it starts with a sexual tone.

I Bet On My Students

Last night I was at a favorite Wednesday hotspot with K and fellow instructor Walter. K works in the Pickup 101 office, and he has been through our workshops. In fact, he was my student on the second night of his Art of Attraction workshop. This was the night that he got lap dances from a group of 10 women. Suffice to say, the boy knows what he is doing.

So we were having a hang out night, just chatting and flirting with the occasional group of girls. We all go out so that K and I can smoke a cigarette, and he asks me and Walter, “so what do you do when a girl is on her phone?” We look over, and there is a cute asian girl on the phone 10 or 15 feet away from us. So we tell him.

He is reluctant to proceed with the directions we gave him. She gets off the phone, and his opportunity is presenting itself. Still he doesn’t go. This is when I grabbed him, and literally pushed him into a conversation with her. She looks up, alarmed, staring at us. I tell her, “I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to alarm you”, and I left to hang with Walter, leaving K to start a conversation. I leave as he is saying, “My friend wanted me to come tell you that…”

I found out after the fact that what he said was, “My friend wanted me to come tell you that you are really cute. Actually… it was ME that wanted to tell you that.” I imagine that this was just about the time that she erupted in smiles and giggles. They were talking for a few minutes when I saw the hands. You can tell a lot about how two people feel about each other by the way their hands touch. She high fived him, and their hands stayed together, and their fingers lingered across each others as their hands parted.

It was on.

At this time, Walter said something along the lines that he didn’t think it was going anywhere. I called BS, so we made a friendly bet. I bet Walter that he would get her phone number. Loser had to buy the other a drink next Wednesday. I’ll take that bet. I know what I saw. Besides, he was MY student. I believed in him.

After a few minutes of flirting, he came back. Without her number. I told him to get his @ss over there and GET HER NUMBER. He walked back over, flirted a little more, his phone is out…

He walks back to us five minutes later, and he is saying, “OK, I’ll call you…” as he is leaving. He got the number.

I got my drink.

Life is good.

As for me, yes, I flirted with the two cutest blondes I saw that night. Good wholesome fun :)

Good With Women

Are you good with women?

Chances are that if you are reading this blog you either are good with women or are on your way to becoming good with women. Chances also are it was not always this way for you.

Last weekend, during PickUp 101’s flagship workshop, the Art of Rapport, I was working with a man who told me that for years of his life he was not good with women, and that he felt like 20 years of his life were working against him becoming this new person.

The interesting thing is, he IS good with women. The fact is, ANY man that goes through our Art of Attraction and Art of Rapport workshops is good with women. They just don’t always know it.

I really related with this guy. I remembered something I wrote about a year and a half ago on a local message board:

I have been wrestling with something internally lately, and if any of you have any comments, I would appreciate them. It is something that I think of as MAKING THE LEAP.

I was at El Rio last night. I almost didn’t come out cuz I knew I was in a weird mental state, but I forced myself for my mental health. I didn’t do any approaches, and I ended up heading home pretty early. It wasn’t approach anxiety stopping me, because that doesn’t stop me anymore. It wasn’t one-itis over either of the girls I’m working on right now, because that doesn’t stop me anymore either. It wasn’t lack of confidence either, because I have that when I need it.

I have the knowledge, and I have the confidence, and I have enough skill and charm to succeed, but I have a lot of trouble sometimes just letting go and BEING all this stuff.

What I am having trouble with is making the leap to adopting the identity of being successful with women, and being completely confident and congruent with this. I am having trouble being comfortable as a pick up artist.

Everything I have learned in the last year in the community has made a profound impact on me, but I am having trouble letting go of the old person I was and have been for the last umpteen years, and becoming the person I have the potential to be. This is the biggest thing holding me back from having the success I am capable of, but I haven’t quite been able to shake it.

Does this make sense? Has anyone had to make this kind of leap? How did you do it?

Or do I just need to say “f*ck it”, make the leap, and try to keep my feet running when I land?

As my student was explaining this feeling to me, I recalled how I used to feel.  Then, I had a flash. I told him that he was good with women. He kind of reluctantly agreed.

So I told him, “Tell me. Tell me you are good with women”

He kind of looked down, and said, “I am good with women”

“Tell me again!”

Same thing, he looked down, and said, “I am good with women”

“NO! Look into my eyes and tell me you are good with women”

He looked in my eyes, and flinched when he said, “I am good with women”

One last time I told him, “look in my eyes, don’t flinch, don’t look away, and tell me… that you are good with women”

He looked in my eyes and said, “I AM GOOD WITH WOMEN”

It was very powerful. By owning those words, I could tell that he was owning how it felt.

Find a friend, look into their eyes and tell them, “I AM GOOD WITH WOMEN.” You might surprise yourself.