Category Archives: Building Rapport, Comfort, Love, and Superior Relationships

Hot, sexy dates are fun, but the real juicy stuff in life comes from connecting with someone else. These posts are all about building rapport and connection with other people, and for creating fantastic relationships.

Leave Me Alone

Faithful readers, I have a treat, a rare new post.

I got an email question from Sexy Fez (who gets props for having such a snazzy name):

I wanted to ask you a question about dealing with women (and by extension, people in general). I’m an introverted, quiet person who needs some solitude to recharge and can really get lost in his work. Because of it, I’m occasionally unable to give time to a girl. I feel bad about it because I let her down. And yet, my sole purpose in life isn’t just to make a woman happy, there are other goals too that I wish to accomplish and I need to give them dedicated time.

What do you think about this scenario, and what advice would you give? It’s not that I don’t give women time, I just can’t give them time every time that they’re needing it, because I’m busy with my own stuff. You can only say sorry afterwards and makeup so far. I end of up wishing that they too have some private goals to keep them busy.

I’m an introvert too. Big time.

Most days, when I get home from work, I just want to sit around and play Skyrim (yes, I’m a year late to the party, but I just got Skyrim).

I want time to myself. I can’t spend all my time with my lady, I’ll go nuts if I do.

So what to do?

There’s four things that come to mind, numbered here from least helpful to most helpful:

  1. Suck it up and deal with it
  2. Establish expectations early
  3. Quality instead of Quantity
  4. Bring her in

Suck it up and deal with it!

There are certain realities to the world. Death. Taxes. Etc.

Also, relationships take work. All relationships. To maintain a romantic relationship, or a friendship, or relations with your family, you have to put time in to them.

The more time you put in, the stronger the relationships will be. It’s just a fact of the world.

Yes, there are those great friendships where you can see someone after a couple years, and it’s as if no time has gone by. Those are few and far between though, you can’t count on every friendship following that pattern.

So, if you want relationships, you’ve got to put in at least some work to maintain them.

We can do better than that though, let’s keep reading…

Establish expectations early

Now that I’ve got the “deal with it, bro” advice out of the way, we’ll get in to some of the good stuff.

One of the big lessons I learned from Lance that has stuck with me is that if something is wrong in the current state of the relationship, it means you did something wrong in the previous stage of the relationship. If she doesn’t answer the phone when you call, you did something wrong when you got her number. If she doesn’t go out with you on a second date, you did something wrong on the first date.

If a woman wants to spend more time with you in a relationship than you have to give, then you may have set the wrong expectation when the relationship was starting.

If you only have one day a week to see a girl, it is important to establish that early, and make it clear that with your busy schedule, that’s all the time that you have available.

Sometimes, when we’re first dating a woman, we’ll see her a couple times a week, because it’s exciting and fun! This then sets the expectation that you will see each other a couple times a week every week, and it is then hard to back away from that.

When I start a new relationship, I establish that I’m busy, and don’t have a couple times a week to spend together. The bonus to this is that it is true, I am very busy, just like it sounds like Sexy Fez is. I don’t see a woman more than once a week, even if I want to. You can always increase the amount of time you spend together, after all.

Quality Over Quantity

This is a quick one.

The basic situation we’re addressing is that the woman you’re dating wants to spend more time with you than you have to give.

If this is your situation, make sure that the time you do spend together is really good.

Focus on the time you spend together, and make it good time.

Bring her in

It’s not a cure-all, it won’t magically make all your problems go away, but it might help. So here you go:

Bring her in on it.

Let her know why it is so important to you. Let her know why you need your time, how having your time makes you happy, and working on your goals and aspirations makes you happier, and better.

Let her know that you appreciate that she lets you have your time to work on your projects.

Really, this is about opening up and sharing. Sharing the right stuff, in the right way. You want her to feel how you feel about your work, and what you do with your time, so that she can understand it, and understand that it is important to you.

Really, this is about building a connection between her and yourself. The “you” that you really are, not the “you” that she wants you to be.

Find The Right Women

We’re all different. Different men, different women, we all want and need different things.

Fez and I, we need a lot of time alone, to ourselves, and that’s just fine.

There’s a lot of other men out there that are the same, and there’s a lot of other women out there that are the same.

There’s also a lot of men and women out there that like to spend a lot more time with the person they are dating. For some people, three or four times a week is about right.

The easiest way to have a woman accept that you need your time to yourself, is to find a woman that understands and appreciates that. Do that, and you’ll be happy.

It’s a little tougher, but find that woman, and you’ll be happy.

Women: How To Make A Man Love You

This has been on my mind a lot lately. I’ve been thinking about this.

Women, if you want to make a man love you, like crazy love you, then understand him.

Put in the work to really “get” him.

This is not easy to do, and off the top of my head, I don’t have any practical advice about how to do this. My experience makes me pretty sure it works though.

I can count the number of women I felt like really “got” me on one hand, without using three of my fingers.

I still love both of them very much.

The Flirting Never Stops

Last night I was talking to my girlfriend on the phone. She told me that she was talking about me to some of her friends at work. She was telling them that over the weekend she was reminded that I still, after almost a year of dating, make sure that I flirt with her.

This is no accident.

We have all seen that boring couple. They don’t smile a lot, they don’t seem to be happy when they are together. They are together because of habit more than anything else. They look horribly bored.

We’ve also seen that annoying couple. You know the ones. They are the ones that laugh with each other, and they have their hands all over each other. They make us sick, because they are enjoying themselves so much.

The only difference between these two couples is that the second couple never stopped flirting with each other. They never stopped poking at each other, teasing each other, and playing. Flirting is such an easy thing to do, and it is fun for everyone involved. Almost nobody does this though. I think a lot of guys just don’t know how.

Do you know how to flirt with your girlfriend? If you are scratching your head, you need to listen to the CD on banter in the Surefire Attraction Secrets program. Flirting and banter isn’t just a skill that makes it easier to meet women. It will make your entire life better. Whether you have known a woman for 1 minute, 1 day, 1 month, 1 year, or 1 decade, you need to know how to flirt and banter. This is what puts the spice into a relationship. This is what keeps a relationship fun and exciting. This is what will keep your girlfriend happy.

And guess what. A woman that you keep happy, is going to keep you happy.

Learn this, and it will make your relationships work.

Take a look at it now.

What's My Story?

The question, “what’s your story?” is just about the most awful question you can ask when you meet someone. Please wipe this phrase from your memory.

“What’s your story?” is really a non-question. It is a way of saying, “I have no idea what to say or ask you, so why don’t I put all the pressure on you to say something interesting?”

Whenever someone asks me what my story is, I usually ask them, “what do you really want to know?” I never know how to answer this question ,and I imagine most people don’t, man or woman.

You can do better. Easily. Spend 2 or 3 seconds thinking about what you really want to know, and ask that.

That said, I went ahead and wrote “my story”. I updated the about me page on this site. I wrote about how I got to be where I am now. It is a great story, if I say so myself, even if I did leave out the Sex, Drugs and Rock ‘N Roll. You’ll have to catch me at a bar and hear that part over a beer. Go ahead and read it and let me know what you think.

You can start reading the first part here.

Interview With AJ and Jordan

I dropped into the Pickup Podcast and recorded an interview with AJ and Jordan a little while ago.  We talked about how to build a stronger connection with a woman.

Click HERE to download the interview.

While your at it, check out their site at  Their shows have been really great, and they are really solid guys to boot.

What You Talkin 'Bout, Willis?

It should be clear that I think connecting with a woman is very important. Being a cool sexy guy is great, but any man that wants great women in their life needs to know how to connect with them. That is the subject of the Art of Rapport Workshop, and during the last workshop I instructed, I had a realization.

When I say realization, I mean that I found a way to describe something in a way I never have before.

I want you to imagine her. You’re sitting next to her, she is smiling, and clearly likes you. Then, you start to get into a deeper conversation. You tell her about the town you grew up in, or maybe about something you did when you were younger with a brother or sister.

What are you talking about?

Yes, you are telling some kind of story. You are talking about something that happened.

But what are you really talking about?

You are talking about yourself.

When you are telling someone a story about something that happened to you, remember that what you are really talking about is yourself. You are not talking about a list of events that happened in succession. You are talking about things you did, things that happened to you, and what these things meant and felt to you. The story of what happened is an excuse to really tell a woman something about yourself.

When you are talking to a woman, and telling her a story from your life, remember, this is not the time to talk about a list of events, it is a chance to tell her something about yourself. The story is just a tool to do that.


The ability to connect with women beyond an everyday, surface level is one of the main topics of the Art of Rapport Workshop. To find out more information about this workshop, click here.

Now go have a wonderful life full of wonderful women.

Building A Connection With A Woman

How do you build an emotional connection and increase intimacy with a woman? Conventional wisdom would probably say, “open up and share stuff about yourself”. Maybe you would here something like, “show how much you care”. Maybe you could “show that you appreciate her”.

These are good ideas. Kind of. These things will not do anything directly to really create a connection between you and a woman though. Sure they are nice, but when I say “connection”, I mean that feeling that makes a woman feel really with you. This is the feeling that makes her think about you when you aren’t there, and makes her feel really special when you are.

How do you do this? The real answer is pretty simple. A strong connection and intimacy is created between you and a woman when you share emotional experiences together.

Not sharing emotional experiences pushes people away, sharing them brings them closer. As I look at the intimate moments of my life, this has been the guiding factor behind all of them.

I did a talk on this idea and specific ways to implement it at a recent talk at a workshop.

I will be elaborating on this idea in coming posts, so stay tuned.

Could You Love Britney Spears?

It is pretty clear that Britney Spears is unhappy. Her recent haircut extravaganza is a nice indication of this. A lot of people are unhappy in this world. Now, I don’t know the trials of the superstars, and I am sure that they have a whole slew of unseen pressures and responsibilities. I think that for most people though, happiness, or a lack thereof, can be tracked back to health, wealth, or relationships.

Now, we can assume that Britney’s wealth is not driving her into manicdom. Health, well, maybe, but not likely. Relationships? Oooh… we may have a winner.

How would you go about loving Britney Spears? Do you think you could build a connection with her? Do you know how you would even begin?

Forget about Britney Spears. How about a chick you met last night at a bar, or this morning while waiting for coffee? Where would you begin?

I gave a talk a few weeks ago to a few lucky guys at one of PickUp 101’s workshops about building a connection with a woman, and I gave examples of things you can do from the first 10 seconds of meeting her all the way to when you have been dating for 10 months or even 10 years. This talk was recorded and is being released as a DVD to VIP customers.

Women crave a strong connection with a guy. It is powerful. This week I will be posting up my ideas on this, and things you can do right now to increase your connection with a woman.

He's Pushing Her Away From a Relationship

Last night I talked to a close friend of mine. She wanted some advice about a guy she was dating. They met about three weeks ago on He’s pushing for a committed, serious relationship. After three weeks.

She is about to run away.

The frustrating thing is that she likes this guy, but he is being very pushy. I know he is probably well intentioned too, he’s not just a prick. At least, not intentionally.

My friend deserves the best. She is cute, sexy, fun, loving, giving, empathetic, and, did I mention, cute and sexy? She would probably really like a relationship with this guy, if he would just RELAX.

What is happening is that he is trying to get her to commit to a relationship, but this is totally the wrong thing to do. I think I know what is going on in his head. He met a really cute girl on match, and now he feels like he has to get her committed as soon as possible so he doesn’t lose her. He probably feels like this is about as good as a girl as he could get, or possibly maybe even a little better than he thinks he can get (he’s probably right).

He is making two mistakes.

First, he is being way too pushy, and expecting way more commitment than is appropriate given the ACTUAL level of involvement they have together. This is pushing her away, and if he keeps it up, he is never gonna get her.

Second, he is wrongfully thinking that once he gets her “commitment” to a relationship, then everything is nice and settled. Way too many people get complacent when they are in relationships.

When a man is in a relationship with a woman, he should constantly be building attraction and building intimacy. Let the amount of attraction and intimacy define the relationship, not some sort of agreement.

Ultimately what this guy needs to do is relax, and give my friend some space to let them get closer over time, not to force it do to his poor ability to create a relationship.

In the end, I gave my friend two course of action that she could follow:

1. Break it off now with this guy, because this kind of behavior is really a red flag. If he is pushy and can’t understand her and the relationship now, how will he understand her in a month? A year?

2. Stay in the relationship, but stick to her guns about the level of commitment she wanted, and tell him he can take it or leave it. Even if it ends badly, she will benefit from the experience and knowledge about men that she will gain from dating this guy.

I wish her the best.

And to you reading this, don’t be like this guy.