Category Archives: Inner and Personal Roadblocks and how to get past them

The things we think and believe effect how we relate to people, and in particular women, just as much as the things we do. Our beliefs and outlook can be our greatest asset, or our greatest roadblock. These posts address the personal challenges we all face as we become better men.

There's A Movement Coming

I was lying on my bed last Sunday afternoon with my girl, relaxing after a nice big breakfast and my second cup of coffee of the day.  She asked about some of the books on my bookshelf, in particular, one or two of the men’s movement books I have.  These are books like Iron John, Fire In The Belly, The Flying Boy, and King, Warrior, Magician, Lover.

I told her that I was doing research about what has come before, and then I realized… there is a new men’s movement on the way.  It has already started to some degree, but it is small.  Men are learning how to have quality interactions with women, and learning what it means to be a man in the face of a woman.  Men are dropping what we have taught matters, and learning what really works, and what people really respond to.  It is fascinating, and it is inspiring.

I also think it will work.

I think that this movement is going to reach men, and there will be a shift in our culture for the better.  Men will know that it is OK to really examine what it means to be a man (and NOT just making good money at a good job to buy a good house).  Men will start to get in touch with their backbones, with their hearts, and with their balls.

I used to be really bothered with the state of the world.  I used to think there were a lot of problems that needed to be fixed, from global warming and hunger to the prevalence of bad pop boy bands.  I eventually threw up my hands, because I felt I had no way to address these issues.

I think the world can be made a better place though.  From the bottom up.  This means changing the world, one person’s life at a time.  I can improve the world by reaching men, and teaching and inspiring them to become better, more attractive versions of themselves.  Ultimately, this leads to happier men AND women.

The prospect of a world filled with happy people is a very good one indeed.

Right Now! What Do You Want?

Sexy goalsMy last post was about the importance of knowing what you want when starting a dating relationship. ‘Honour’ made an interesting comment on this post, “the hard part is how do you figure out what you want”. Well, I want to give you some guidance on how to figure this out.

Long life goals are good. They can give you vision and purpose. They don’t always help you figure out short term goals though. So, rather than ask yourself, “what do I want?”, ask yourself, “what do I want right now?” For example, a lot of men I talk to say that they eventually want to meet a really great woman and settle down with her. This is a great long term goal. This, however, does not necessarily lend itself to short term action. You may eventually want to find a great woman, but may feel that you want a lot more general dating experience. A short term, right-now goal that addresses this might be to casually date 3 women. Now, you know what you want right now.

By thinking in terms of what you want right now, this frees you from the worry about if this is really the right thing, or if you are making the right decision. You can change what you want right now all the time. You can decide tomorrow what you want, and do the same again the next day. If your long term goal is to settle down with a great woman, that doesn’t mean that has to be your short term goal as well. If you eventually want to date a lot of women, you may decide that right now you just want one girlfriend, to get the experience of being in a relationship.

There is no right or wrong answer.

You can take this further, and apply this idea to every woman you meet. If you meet a woman out at a bar, or out grocery shopping, or at a party, take a moment to ask yourself, “what do I want right now with this woman?” It doesn’t have to be the same thing for every woman. You may want something fun, casual, and physical with one woman, and a close, caring, intimate relationship with another.

Here is a way that I figure out what I want right now. I imagine it. I picture it. I imagine the type of relationship I want to have a with a woman. Then I picture another one. Then another one. Chances are, one of these will stick out to you. You will know which one. Now, here is a very important step to this. Forget about what other people think. It is really easy to get caught up in this pattern of “proving yourself” by dating a lot of chicks, or getting a lot of “notches on the belt”, or proving that you are a good “pickup artist”. This should be informed by one thing and one thing only. What you really want for yourself.

I hope this helps. I have to give credit to Lance of PickUp 101 for this idea. I first heard it verbalized by him, and it became a very useful tool for me.

Do You Know What You Want?

Know what you want!Do you know what you want?

Do you know how you want a relationship to be? Do you know how often you would want to see the girl? What kind of dates you go on? How long before you have sex? Do you know how you want the girls you date to behave? What you want them to do for you?

Take a look inside yourself. It is very important to know these things.

More importantly than knowing these things, when you are dating a woman, put the importance of these criteria ahead of whether or not she likes you. This might seem a little counter intuitive. A man usually get into a rut with a girl he is dating by thinking “what can I do to make sure she likes me?” This kind of thinking is actually counter productive. I have talked to a lot of women who say they want a man that knows what he wants. You know why? It is confident.

When you proceed based on what you want, you have direction, and a plan. The next step is to follow that plan as closely as possible. If you are the kind of man that likes to get alone with a girl on a first date in a romantic place and make out with her, meet her at a bar in the Mission for a quick drink then go for a walk to Dolores Park (or the equivalent in your city). If you like to have sex on a first or second date, know in your head how and where this is going to happen.

Now, it doesn’t matter if everything goes according to plan. That is completely besides the point. The important thing is to actually know what you want, and you have a direction that you want to take things. A lot of men don’t really actually know what they want from a dating relationship, and they fumble around things, and make excuses like, “well, I want to spend some time getting to know her.” Meanwhile, deep down they want to be, well, doing something else. If you actually do want to just get to know her, that is fine. Just understand that that is what you want, and proceed confidently in that direction.

The only thing you can lose from this is a relationship that isn’t what you want anyway.

You Can Improve With Women

Guys either think they “got it” or they don’t.

If you are a man that is not successful with women, at some point in your life you have probably seen a guy that IS good with women and just thought, “he’s just got something that I don’t.” It may have been looks and money, or it may not have been. You may have just noticed his charisma and confidence, and felt it was so far beyond what you were.

This is a load of crap. It IS within anyone’s reach. It just may take some work.

Being confident and charismatic is not something you either have or don’t have. It is something you learn or don’t learn. The guys you see that naturally have it just learned it at a young age. You can learn it too, and that is what I am dedicated too. That is why I work at PickUp 101, so for those of us that didn’t have a chance to learn this in our adolescence, we will have a chance now.

I got inspired to write this post because my friend and fellow PickUp 101 instructor Ben emailed me this morning telling me he had a new blog. Ben was my very first student as a PickUp 101 instructor. It was Friday, I was nervous because I had gotten a call asking me to help out as a guest instructor for the weekend and I had no idea what to expect. Lance, the head honcho himself was leading the workshop, and USA Today was there to write an article about our workshops.

I knew what to do, I had been through the program myself, and I had practiced it, made the changes, and achieved success with it. I still had a bit of performance anxiety though. I was assigned to be Ben’s coach for the evening. Now, I was responsible for not only my evening, but Ben’s as well. I still remember walking into Barnone in the Marina that Friday night. Ben rocked the place. To his credit, he had done a lot of work on his own before taking the workshop, so he was already fairly confident and competent with approaching and talking to women. A few little tweaks, and he was unstoppable.

Now I work with him, and can call him a friend.

You see, all of the instructors at PickUp 101 went through the same process that our students do. We have all taken the workshops that we teach, stuck with the material, practiced, and improved who we are.

I have seen it improve my life, as well as the life of many other men. That is why I believe in it.