Author Archives: Sean Deacon

You are not your toys and your comics

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This is the second in a series of posts on Dating for Dorks. I admitted a lot of my geeky indulgences yesterday. I am a dork.

For the few years after I graduated college, I was kind of, well, depressed. I was dealing with the sudden realization that my life would be no more than what I made of it, and that was coupled with the pain of losing the love of my life.

I got into this funk, and a lot of how I spent my time was reading comics and watching anime. Not very cool.

I eventually got out of my funk, but a lot of my geeky habits stayed.

I learned that obsessing over these hobbies of mine would not really be the best of ways to meet women. I got this idea from the fact that my female friends would roll their eyes whenever I brought up comics, cartoons, or Gundam.

My love of comics is a part of who I am, and I am happy about that. I love comic books, and believe in it as a medium for entertainment, storytelling, and art. But that’s not all I am.

If you took away my comics, kept me from buying more, and stopped me from ever seeing my comic geek buddies, I would still be a full person, with plenty of varying hobbies and interests. While I do love comics, I do not let that define me.

I think that where some guys go wrong is that they let their geeky habit define them to the point that they seem obsessed with it. If your geeky hobby were completely taken away from you, would you be left with other things in your life to define you?

If you would still have a fun, fulfilling life, then no problem. You’re not a hard case. If, without these things, you have trouble figuring out what you’re all about, then I suggest taking a look at that. That is a sign that maybe you could fill up your life with more stuff other than your geeky hobbies.

I don’t want anyone to change who they are, particularly not so that they can meet women. What I do want is for us to grow, and become fuller people with richer lives.

I’m saying all of this based on an assumption. I’m gonna assume that you, being dorky like you are, aren’t interested in dating a woman who is as much of a geek as you. If you are looking for that, then go out and find it. Figure out where women that like what you like are, and go meet them.

If you have trouble talking about something that excites you in your life without talking about Blackest Night, or how the new Trek movie was a travesty to the former glorious Star Trek legacy, then I think you will have trouble talking to a woman who isn’t interested in these things.

Any man that wants to meet and date women that are not interested in the same geeky stuff may have some trouble relating to a non-geeky girl.

(On a side note, women have their own geeky stuff, it’s just called Sex In The City instead of Star Wars)

The first thing that you’ve gotta do when you’re a geek is to move beyond your geeky habits, and add more to your life so that your geekeries are just one part of an overall full life.



Coming up next: How, and when, to share your love for all things geek with women.

Does this sound like you?

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You’ve read The Lord Of The Rings more than once. You may even make it an annual tradition.

You have stacks of comic books laying around your apartment that you haven’t read or put away in your boxes yet. In fact, you are a top 20 poster (by number of posts) on an internet comic book discussion forum.

You have made a joke about someone wearing a red shirt, and how they probably won’t survive long.

You can name all 13 original members of the G.I. Joe team (without reference), and you know who the “14th” original Joe was, and who he was a reference to.

You have used “frakking” as a swear word.

THACO. You know it.

Of course you have seen Cowboy Bebop, in the original Japanese with subtitles, of course. None of that dub crap.

You have lost an entire night’s sleep due to Starcraft.

Transformers? Best toy ever.

You’ve thought about what you would do if the Zombie Apocalypse happens. You’ve got Mad Max contingencies too.

You have a batman action figure on top of your refrigerator.

You have painted Warhammer miniatures before. In fact, it is possible you painted an entire goblin warhammer army. Possibly.

Just being a few feet away from Leonard Nimoy was very exciting. Heck, even Brent Spiner was pretty cool.

You number of times you have seen the Star Wars movies is a 3 digit number. In fact, you camped out overnight to see Episode 1 at midnight the day it came out. Oh, and you own a few Star Wars t-shirts.

You have flown across the country to go to a comic book convention, and San Diego Comic-Con was a blast this year!

Who is this loser?

I am describing someone I know very well.

In fact, I’m describing me. Everything above describes me. No exaggeration.

I am, for all intents and purposes, a dork. My specialty within the geeky genres is comic books and Star Wars. I have about 3,000 comics in my closet, carefully stored away in plastic bags and boxes. My most prized book is my copy of Showcase 22, the first appearance of Green Lantern from 1959.

There was a time when I had read pretty much every Star Wars novel that had been released, and I once played Star Wars trivial pursuit, and you know how if you get the answer correct you get to keep going? Well, I won on my first turn.

If you want to discuss the merits vs. the weaknesses of Superman, you should sit down and get comfortable. This might take a while, and I may ask you to read Action Comics 775 to prove my point.

Who needs women when you have Trek?

Dorks are stereotyped as being pretty bad with women. It doesn’t matter what kind of dork you are: Comic geek, D&D nerd, Trekker, Star Wars dork, Otaku, or gamer, the stereotype is there, and often times fairly true.

I like all this geeky stuff, but I don’t let it get in the way of meeting and dating women.

I have never hid any of my geekeries from women (except Warhammer), in fact the huge pile of longboxes that hold all my comics has been pretty hard to ignore. This has never made a woman decide to leave my bedroom though.

I got the full 3 day pass to Wondercon this year, San Francisco’s biggest comic book convention, but I also met a woman out at the bar after the convention with all my geeky comic nerd friends, took her home that night, and dated her for a while. Yes, she knew I was going to the convention all weekend.

This week’s theme is dating for dorks.

I have read about folks that have dated a woman for years without telling her that he collects comics, out of a fear of how she will react.

Some dorks will not let their freak flag fly, or just resign themselves to believing that no woman could love them because of their nerdy indulgances.

You don’t have to give up on your beloved comics, or movies, or games. You can date fantastic women too. The two aren’t mutually exclusive.

All week I’m gonna have posts about how to have your cake, and eat it too.

Because after all, there will be cake.

And this cake is not a lie.

My Decisions Kick Your Goal’s Ass

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Go ahead, set your goals. Plan it all out. Figure out what you want to accomplish.

I will kick your goal up and down the street, all day long.

I don’t set goals anymore. I don’t set resolutions. Goals and resolutions are meant to be broken, not accomplished.

I came up with something better.

I used this method to quite smoking

Last New Year’s Eve I was thinking about what I want to change in the new year, as usual. One thing I wanted to change was smoking. I wanted to stop smoking.

I wasn’t a heavy smoker, mainly a social smoker, but in the last couple months of 2008, I found myself smoking more and more, to the point where I was smoking pretty much every day.

So I decided not to smoke any cigarettes in 2009.

It is five months later, and I haven’t had a cigarette since New Year’s Eve.

Decisions are different than goals

There is something very different about making a decision than setting a goal.

  • You decide to go grocery shopping, you don’t make it a goal.
  • You decide to go to work each day, it isn’t a goal.
  • You decide to buy a new pair of running shoes, you don’t set a goal to do it.

The difference is that decisions get done. Goals? Maybe.

When I decide to do something, I do it, and this is fundamentally different to me than setting a goal. When I stopped smoking, I got a lot of cravings for cigarettes. The first month or so, I reaaally wanted one. I knew, however, that I had decided I wasn’t going to have one.

It didn’t matter that I wanted the cigarette, because I had decided I wasn’t going to have one, so I didn’t. After all, why would I do something I decided not to do?

Give it the Decision Test.

If you are setting a goal, you are probably setting action items to go with it.

A goal without actions to achieve the goal is going to be hard to achieve.

(It is better to figure out what kind of results you want, and then figuring out what actions are necessary to make that result happen, but I digress)

Once you have these action steps, no matter what it is, put it to the decision test. Just decide to do it. See how that feels. Once you have decided to do it, it is a part of your life. You’re going to do it, because you decided to.

You can’t fail now!

If there is something you want to accomplish, see if you can just decide to do it. If you can’t decide to do it right now, then maybe it isn’t the right time yet to make this decision. Scale it back, wait a while, and make a smaller decision.

Art of Rapport students get results

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At last weekend’s Art of Rapport workshop, I had the pleasure to work with two very motivated and hard working gentlemen. Our Pickup 101 workshops are no easy class. When you take a workshop with us, we will push you to do things that make you nervous, because that is how you grow.

Josh and Simon and the other six men in the workshop spent the morning learning how to walk up to a woman that they don’t know, make her laugh or smile, and convey their natural personalities in a compelling way.

Josh and Simon pushed themselves to approach and meet women in ways they never had before, and it works.

Simon had a natural ease about him, but needed to get a little help sharing that personality with women.

We got to work, and he put our work into action.

He met quite a few women. Man, doesn’t he look great:

simon-photo3

After I suggested to Simon that he talk to that woman above, I was actually a little jealous. She was very cute, and I wished that I had talked to her instead.

Of course, Simon applied the lessons from the night before, and ended up talking to this woman for about 15 minutes or so, and had a fantastic conversations. He told me later that he felt like the conversation just flowed. In fact, he told me after he excused himself that the only reason he left was that he wanted to move on and meet more women! He didn’t want to spend all day talking to just one.

So what did he do? Simon walked across the square and met another woman sitting, watching the passers by:

simon-photo2

I was proud of Simon, and he was proud of himself. He moved through his nervousness and did something that he hadn’t done before, and he grew from it.

When Josh started the workshop, I think he had some doubts about the workshop, and about himself. I don’t think he was quite sure that the material that we taught in Art of Rapport was going to work for him.

I told Asher and Megan, the two coaches that were leading the workshop, to put Josh with me went we went out to meet some women, and I would make sure he got it :)

Of course, they did put him with me.

The first women or two that Josh met didn’t spark. We were walking through Unions Square on Saturday afternoon, and kept moving around. Eventually, I saw her, and so did Josh. I think he knew he should go meet her, and I gave him some encouragement to do that.

josh-photo1

He took a breath, and walked up to her. I don’t know what he said exactly, but I saw her smile in response. They stood in the middle of the square, talking to each other. He was relaxed, and it showed in his body language.

I surreptitiously walked by them and took some photos with my phone, just for fun.

Then something I wasn’t expecting happened. He took off. With her. He just walked off and left Union Square, while walking and talking with her.

Turns out he left with her to go get some coffee at a cafe.

After an hour or so, I called him up and told him he couldn’t be a lover boy all day long. Eventually, he came back to Union Square, and he was different. He wasn’t skeptical, and he had a new found confidence about him.

He learned something from the workshop, and it wasn’t just a line to start a conversation with women, or a few tips. He learned something about himself. He learned that he was the kind of man that can meet a woman in the middle of the day and take her to a cafe on a mini date.

More than that, he is the kind of man that women want to meet, and would be happy to spend their afternoon with. That lesson is far more valuable than any tip that I could teach, and is something that can’t be read on the internet.

Following nervousness will make you a better man

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Nervousness is an outdated survival mechanism that is no longer relevant.

Now, before I go on, I want to be clear that I am talking about nervousness with women. And let’s face it. Many men get nervous around women, especially very attractive women.

I asked out my high school girlfriend after I ran into her at the beach one summer between my junior and senior year. I was hanging out with my sister, and my sister had to heavily encourage me to get over my nervousness and ask her for her phone number and out on a date.

I felt like my heart was going to burst out of my chest because my heart was beating so hard.

I thought the nervousness would kill the first time I approached a woman I didn’t know (the dreaded cold approach).

This was my first semester after transferring to UC Berkeley for Engineering School, and there was one girl in one or two of my classes that was drop dead gorgeous. I spent five minutes walking a ways behind her as I worked up the courage to approach her, fumble over my opening lines, and introduce myself.

Oh, the nervousness hurt. But in both of these cases, it was the right thing to do. Absolutely the right thing to do.

I dated that girl I walked up to on the beach for 5 years, and I fell crazy in love with her. The girl at I followed through campus, building up my courage to talk to ended up being very friendly, and though I fumbled over everything I did when I met her, I learned that I wouldn’t die if I approached a gorgeous woman.

Why was I even nervous? Neither of these situations ended poorly, and really, neither of them could have gone really poorly. The worst that could have happened would be that the girl tell me she wasn’t interested. No real harm there.

So why was I so nervous?

I’m hardwired to get nervous around beautiful women. We all are to some degree. What’s going on in these situations is that we are doing something a little bolder than we are used to doing.

We get nervous when we do something outside of our comfort zone. All sorts of things push people outside of our comfort zones:

  • Public speaking
  • Parachuting out of airplanes
  • Job interviews
  • Asking for a raise at work
  • …and talking to beautiful women

Often times, there is some sort of risk involved when something makes us nervous. When jumping out of an airplane, there is a risk of the parachute not working. When going for a job interview you might not get the job. You might antagonize your boss when you ask for a raise.

There isn’t much risk in meeting a woman though. Even the risks that people often think exist don’t really exist. “What if everybody sees me get shot down?” In reality, most of the guys will be respecting the man that takes that risk to approach the woman, something they didn’t have the guts to do.

“What if she shoots me down?” Well, you won’t have any less than you have now.

With women, often times nervousness points out the right thing to do.

  • If approaching a woman makes you nervous, then you should probably approach her.
  • If talking to a woman makes you nervous, then you should probably be talking to her
  • If asking a woman out on a date makes you nervous, then you should ask her out.
  • If kissing a woman makes you nervous, then it is probably the right time to kiss her.

If you do these things that make you nervous when you are around women, it will expand your comfort zone, and increase your comfort with meeting women, dating women, and moving your relationships with women forward.

If you want to get better at meeting women, better at flirting with them, better at dating the women that makes your hair on your arms stand up, there will some things that you will have to do that will make you nervous.

You will have to do things that make you nervous. You will have to do things that you don’t want to do because it makes you nervous when you think about it. When you do it anyway, you will grow, and become a more confident, self-assured man.

Recognize nervousness for what it is, the path to greatness.

Should you buy her a drink? When to, and when not to buy a woman a drink at a bar

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Buying a woman a drink can be a nice part of the dating ritual as the two of you get to know each other and discover more and more that you like each other.

It can also be a way to lose money trying to be nice for a woman who is using you to get something (wow, that sounded harsh). Or it can be a way to bribe a woman into spending time talking to you.

No man likes to be used for his money and taken for a ride, which is what it can feel like when a man buys a woman a drink, then she takes off after 5 minutes of talking, or worse, leaves right after you hand her the drink you just bought her.

There are women that will go out just to have guys buy drinks for them. They like to find a guy who will buy them drinks, and in some cases, that is even their M.O. when they go out.

And I think that’s fine. More power to them. If a woman wants to put her womanly charms to work, then she should go for it. This blog is, after all, all about putting our masculine charms to work for us. I may have plenty of double standards, but not about this.

Women have every right to get drinks bought for them by men that want to buy them drinks.

I’m just not going to be one of those men.

I will buy a drink for a woman when things are moving along, and we are getting to know each other more and more. I believe that this is part of being a gentleman, and just as I would open the door for her and make sure she is safe, I would buy her a drink.

Knowing the difference between these two situations is important. I’ve screwed this up plenty of times, and learned from it. This post is about what I have figured out.

Also, as a special bonus, I’m gonna give you the best choice when a woman asks you to pick a drink for her. If you have asked a woman what she’s drinking and she says, “just pick something for me”, you’re gonna want to read this part. That’s at the end, so make sure you read all the way through.

As a second special bonus, I am going to give you the best answer when a woman offers to buy you a drink.

Don’t be an infomercial salesman

Don’t exchange a drink for a woman’s time.

If I ever catch any of you approaching a woman and asking to buy her a drink right off the bat, I am gonna slap you.

Lead with personality, not bribes. I have a whole category on this blog about leading with personality.

So how is this a bribe? When a man offers to buy a drink for a woman right away, there is another request going on, and that request is that she talk to him for a while, so he can work his game get to know her.

In terms of first impressions, however, you can do better. It is much stronger to make women want to spend time with you because of your personality, energy, and humor than it is to have her talk to you because something is in it for her.

For some reason, I think of infomercials where if you order now, you will get a free set of steak knives! Talk to me for the next 10 minutes and you will get this free cosmo for no added charge!

Girls just want to have fun (and drink for free)

It’s been done before, and it will happen again. A man will approach a group of women, and one of them will ask him to buy them drinks.

Ouch.

Deep down, you know that this is a sort of a test. She’s either trying to use you, or poking at you to see if you will lose you cool and give in to what she wants.

I think most guys know at this point that she is not asking for a drink because she really likes you. She isn’t gonna hang out with you for the rest of the night and spend a lot of time getting to know you.

I have felt that bad little feeling in my gut when a woman asks me to buy her a drink right after I meet her. I feel like I would lose some of my dignity if I did buy her a drink, but there is this fear that the woman won’t like me if I don’t buy her the drink.

It’s a lose-lose situation, damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

So what do you do? The thing to do is to banter. If you can poke her right back, that is the best sort of response to this sort of thing.

A couple quick banter lines that can turn this around:

  • Oh, I could never let business come in between our friendship like that.
  • You know, they say Hitler bought girls drinks at bars before he started World War 2.
  • Sure, I’ll buy you one of every drink they have, but only if you promise to be a good girl and finish them all.

Or the ever popular (and stolen from my friend Joe):

  • You’re a drink.

By bantering, you keep the interaction moving in a fun way, but without giving in to her (unrealistic) request.

There are going to be women out there that are interested in men buying them drinks, for whatever reason. It’s fine that they do that, but you have to remember that it is fine that you aren’t the guy to give that to them.

As the romance builds, a little drink goes a long way

So when can you buy a woman a drink without it being a bribe for her to spend time with you or you caving in to her demands?

If you and a woman have talked for a while, you are getting positive responses, and the conversation has moved away from just surface level stuff and is moving further along, a woman asking you to buy her a drink is probably inviting you to spend more time with her.

She isn’t trying to use you or take you for a ride now. At this point the conversation probably feels like it is the two of you together on a date than it is two people at a bar that don’t know each other.

If a woman asks me to buy her a drink at this point, what I really hear is, “would you like to spend more time with me?”

She is not asking in any sort of judgmental way, or not to size me up, but in a way that conveys that she wants to spend more time with me.

Keep in mind that if you are at a bar, then the thing to do is have a drink. That is the primary activity that binds everyone together at the bar. If the two of you have finished your drinks, the obvious thing to do is get another.

A drink isn’t that expensive. It is probably $5 to $10, depending where you are. At this point in the relationship, the drink is a token. It is a step in the mating dance, the step when you show a little investment in what is developing between the two of you.

How much do you make her feel she is worth?

To get some perspective, imagine this from a woman’s point of view. You have met a man, you have shown that you are interested in him, and he seems to be interested in you in return. You would like to spend more time with him, and continue to get to know him…

… but he doesn’t even buy you a drink. He won’t even spend a few bucks on a drink for you. His $5 is more important to him than you are.

You aren’t even worth $5 to this man. How do you feel about this man now? Is he rude? Is he inconsiderate? Is he a cheapskate? Will he take care of you?

If you can tell that this woman is interested in you, treat her well. Show her that you are willing to invest a little back into this developing relationship.

Even better, lead the interaction, and offer to get her a drink if you are ready to get one for yourself.

If you are done with your drink, and you are ready for another, ask her what you can get for her when you go to the bar. If your interaction is moving along as far as it should be after this much time, that is a very appropriate thing to do.

“You choose a drink for me”

I’ve run into this, you are spending time with a woman, and it is time to get drinks for the two of you. You ask what she is drinking, and she says, “pick something for me,” or “I’ll have what you’re having.”

Not a lot of women like what I like to drink (Bourbon and Scotch). Buying her what I would like for myself probably won’t work.

What do you get her? Something fancy like a cosmo might be a little try hard or cliché. Wine is usually out of place at a bar, especially if you or she’s been drinking other stuff. Not all women like beer.

When I get this response, I feel like I am being tested. Am I going to be able to make the right decision? Do I know enough about women to know what they like?

Here’s the answer: get two Coronas.

Most people like a Corona. It is a lighter beer, and easy to drink. It comes with that lime stuck in the top, which is cool.

Also, there is a bit of a counter challenge in that. Can she hang with out and is she cool enough to drink beer with you?

What to do if she offers to buy you a drink

It is a wonderful thing when a woman buys you a drink.

Women, if you want to impress a man and make him like you a little more, buy him a beer.

If she offers to buy you a drink, say yes, thank her, and enjoy that drink, player.

Good things come in small packages

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Mini, but super!
A little Friday fun.

A friend of mine went to Panama, and sent me some of her photos from the trip.

I’m not gonna share the pictures of her looking cute in her dress, but I thought this one was pretty good.

It may be mini, but it sure is SUPER!

My only wish is that I could pick up some chick at this store, so that I could write a book about mastering the Mini Super Fuk! 

Have a good weekend, everyone, I’ll be teaching at an Art of Rapport workshop for part of the weekend, should be fun!

Nice guys are manipulative bastards

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The “nice guy” that we all know and recognize is a manipulative prick, who only does nice things to guilt trip women into liking him.

How’s that for laying down the gauntlet?

I’m not down on being nice, even if I am sometimes a little mean. It is wonderful to be nice to people, and I may even write an upcoming post about that very subject.

But what is not nice is when a man does something that seems nice, but is in fact not very nice at all. In fact some things that seem like they are very nice can have ulterior motives, and that is definitely not nice.

What do I mean by that?

  • A man that takes a woman out to a fancy dinner, because he expects her to like keep dating him or to “put out” after that, is not nice.
  • A man that does favors for and hangs out with a woman, hoping she might come around and like him back, is not nice.
  • A man that goes overboard and brings a woman flowers on a first date to go get coffee, in hopes that that the flowers will make the good first impression, is not nice.

None of these things are nice, because the nice thing is done with the expectation or hope that the woman will give the man what he wants in return. If you do something nice for a woman, with no thought of anything nice in return, that’s great. So often when a man acts nice towards a woman this is not the case though.

Story Time

Back in the day, I was out one night at a bar with my sister and one of her friends. We were having a grand ol time, and the drinks were flowing. We were sitting in the middle of the bar, plenty of folks around, so of course some guys started talking to us.

A few guys were hitting on my sister and her friend, and it was all good. They were nice enough guys, and everything was friendly.

Eventually the three of us got tired of the bar we were at and decided to take off and go to another bar. My sister went to settle our tab, which was pretty hefty. Over 100 bucks (we weren’t being shy with the drinks).

Something surprising happened. One of the guys that had been talking to my sister offered to pay for our entire tab. All three of us. My sister declined, but he was really insistent. It took a while for my sister to get it into his head that, no, he wasn’t going to pay for our tab.

Now, that could seem like a pretty nice thing to do. He offered to cover our entire tab. I wish people would pay for all of my drinks all the time. Very nice thing to do.

Behind that, however, was a certain agreement he was trying to force into place. He wasn’t offering to pay out of the goodness and kindness of his heart. He was not practicing random acts of kindness or anything like that. He was buying the drinks to make the two women I was with that night like him. I’m pretty sure that in his mind, he was thinking that he would pay for the drinks, and the women would go out with him because of that.

The *nice* thing he was offering up was really an attempt to manipulate them into feeling obligated to spend more time with him.

Catch it before it starts

This is easy to change. Whenever you have the option to do something nice for a woman that is above and beyond what you would normally do, ask yourself if if you are hoping for anything in return.

If you hope that doing this will make her like you, or do something in return for you, then it probably isn’t a good idea.

If you are expecting something in return, then your nice action is actually going to be tainted with manipulation. Manipulation just isn’t cool. Not towards women, not towards men, just don’t do it. You don’t want to end up like this guy, calling to ask for her share of what you paid for dinner on the date, just because she didn’t want to go out again.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting a woman to like you. Don’t get the wrong impression. I have met plenty of women that I wanted to like me.

Rather than go overboard trying to show how nice and thoughtful I am, I know I will get much further by actually just being nice and thoughtful.

Be good, and be nice, but don’t be a nice guy.

How to flirt: Use this opener to start a conversation with women

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Here is one of my favorite ways to start a flirtatious conversation with a group of women. This is tons of fun, and always gets a good response from the group.

I’ve used this during the day in a park, or in Union Square, and I’ve used it at night when I am out at bars. It is simple to use, and leaves a great opening to continue the conversation.

This works best with women in groups of 2 or 3, which is pretty common to see when you are out and about.

So what is this amazingly simple line to use?

“Hey guys, you know, I’m actually not sure which of you to flirt with first.”

That’s it. You can add to it, “You’re both so cute, I’m not sure which of you to flirt with first.”

You can change it up: “I’m not sure which of you I should hit on first. This is really a dilemma for me.”

This is a fun, flirtatious way to start the conversation.

You can then ask which of them is the best flirt, if one responds really well, tell the others that you are going to flirt with her, you can accuse them of being bad at flirting, and on and on and on.

A fun attitude makes this work. This is not a very serious way to start a conversation, so there is no reason to be too serious about it. A smile and upbeat attitude goes a long way.

Last weekend I approached a two women in a bar and used this opener, and one of them responded that we should play rock, paper, scissor to see who flirts with who. I’ll be stealing that from her.

Try this out, have some fun, and flirt with some women.

She said, “We don’t like timid men”

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Timid men need not apply. Women agree on this.

My interaction with a couple girls on Saturday was very rich and metatextual. A lot happened that was very instructional. I am writing up all of the interesting parts in pieces, to extract the juicy information out of it.

I was on the balcony of Medjool, overlooking the dance floor, talking to a cute girl in a hat, and she talked about the different ways that men approach women. “We [women] don’t like timid men. We can tell when a man is timid, and it kills it.”

She told me that was why she liked me, I didn’t hesitate to come over to her and her friend and see what was going on, meet them, and flirt with them. I knew what I was doing, and I knew how I was going to approach them, how I was going to start the conversation, and felt good about my ability to talk to them and join their group.

It was coincidental that this was in the middle of an Art of Attraction workshop, an entire workshop devoted to making sure men aren’t timid. It sure as hell isn’t the time for me to be timid myself.

It was nice to hear from a woman that what I teach is, you know, right.

Recognizing Timidness

Timidness is the almost the complete opposite of confidence. Confidence is being sure and comfortable with what you are doing, not hesitating, and enjoying yourself.

A timid man is cautious, nervous, hesitant, and waits for permission, or a good reaction, before going on with what he is doing. A timid man doesn’t take risks, and doesn’t do anything to put himself on the spot.

I’ve noticed that the biggest reason that men are timid when approaching a woman is the fact that they are waiting to see how they will react. They are waiting for a good reaction before continuing the interaction.

Timid men want a good reaction before committing to an interaction. They are waiting for permission to join a group of women before they really open up and express them self.

The odd thing about this though, is that by being timid, the chances of being accepted by, and receiving a warm response from a group of women will go down drastically.

“Any woman wants a confident man.”

Women respond to your confidence.

Women always seem to give the same answers when they ask what they are attracted to in a man. They like a man who can just be himself, who can make her laugh, and above all, is confident.

Confidence is one of those things in life that, like all important things, is very simple, yet can be very difficult to put into actual practice.

Here are some of the things that display that a man is confident when he approaches a group.

  • He does not fidget when he walks, and when he stands next to the women
  • He makes eye contact with the women, and does not get nervous and look away when they give eye contact back
  • He talks slowly and calmly
  • He does not seek their approval before proceeding to talk to them
  • He smiles and enjoys the time he is spending with the women
  • He is sure of how he is going to approach, and says what he has to say without hesitation

This is just a partial list, but these are some of the things that women see that indicate if a man is confident about what he is doing or not.

There is no downside to confidence.

As men, we really have very little to lose by approaching some women and starting to talk to them. The worst that can happen is that they turn us down, or aren’t interested in meeting us. It may not exactly feel that way when we aren’t used to approaching women often, but this is true, objectively.

There is nothing to lose by being confident. If you have decided to approach a woman, it will not go worse by approaching more confidently. It can only make things go better, and kick off things with a woman better.

On the flipside, being timid can only make the woman’s reaction worse. Being timid when approaching a woman will not make her like you more, and it will not make a better first impression.

We teach confident behavior and how to confidently approach a woman at the Art of Attraction workshop. The workshop is three days, spending days and evenings in a classroom to learn, and more importantly, practice the skills that make you more confident. We spend two nights out on the town, meeting and talking to women, and working with our coaches to put the new skills into practice.

The workshop is an investment in your future, your relationships, and in the confidence that you feel every day.

Please feel free to click right here and read more about it on the PickUp 101 website.

This workshop will knock the timid right out of you, and women will thank you for that.