Author Archives: Sean Deacon

Are You Happy With Your Lifestyle?

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I’ve been thinking a bit about lifestyle lately, how it effects behavior, and more importantly, how it effects efforts to change ourselves.

I’ve struggled throughout my life to maintain a healthy, athletic weight. I gain weight from the calories in the air, and it has been pretty tough for me to keep up an ongoing exercise plan.

I’ve done all the usual goal setting with rewards, plans, and so on, and I’ve even made this work for me. This stuff has gotten me in gear and gotten me results, but it hasn’t quite stuck though in a long term sense.

I had been trying to incorporate a bunch of habits into my life, but those habits haven’t seemed to create the overall change that I have been hoping for. I can get a new habit into my life, but I never removed the old habits that are counter productive.

The other day I was watching a video online, I can’t remember if it was Tony Robbins or Frank Kern (or if it was the video with both of them). Anyway, in this video, a visualization exercise was presented. The exercise was to imagine an average perfect day.

Kinda seems contradictory, to say average and perfect, I know. The idea is that if everything in my life were just right, the big three of health, wealth, and relationships were all squared away and how I wanted them, what would an average day in that life be like?

Anyway, like an idiot I closed my eyes and got to work figuring out what that life would be like. I’ll leave out the mansion in the hills and the Swedish bikini team from the vision, and just talk about the aspect of this vision that relates to health.

What I realized is that the the overall picture of this healthy life was very different from the way I live my life now. A lot of the components were the same, like jogging, triathlon training, healthy food and lots of fruits and veggies.

I noticed that this vision was as much defined by what I did do as much as by what I didn’t do. Certain bad habits of mine weren’t there. In this vision, I don’t get dinner from Uncle Vito’s Italian Food, don’t buy a fast, unhealthy lunch instead of bringing a good lunch with me to work, and don’t stay up so late that I don’t wake up and exercise.

In fact, I could describe my vision of a healthy life as much by what was included as with what wasn’t included. What I realized is that what I saw when I envisioned a healthy life was an overall healthy lifestyle.

The lifestyle I saw would naturally lead to a strong healthy body:

  • I wake up in the morning ready to exercise, and after a jog and workout I enjoy natural, wholesome fruits and foods that made me feel invigorated in a way that lasts throughout the day. I continue to eat good food throughout the day, and eat foods that are both good for me and delicious. I have alcohol in moderation, when I have any at all. I eat healthy foods because it makes me feel good, and get a restful night sleep anticipating waking up in the morning for a new, fresh day.

My approach to getting my health in gear has been to add habits into my current lifestyle, and I should have been focusing on changing my lifestyle. By changing my lifestyle, the results I want will fall in to place.

Lifestyle is the backdrop to our habits, the things we do every day. Overall lifestyle shapes and colors all of the habits that we do every day.

I am spending this week wrapping my head around changing one aspect of my lifestyle, that of exercise, health, diet, and well being. As I wrap my head around this, I’ll be sharing my thoughts on lifestyle change.

Why does this matter? Especially on a blog about dating women? Lifestyle, and changing it, applies as much to dating and being attractive as it does to health. The ideas that are gonna go into this discussion will carry over to a change in lifestyle that includes dating more, or being more flirtatious.

Lifestyle is lifestyle, and it effects everything we do. It may be one of the most important aspects that influences our habits and our ability to change those habits.

Anyhow, check back later in the week for more on this subject.

Communication is the Key To Style

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The trick to understanding style is to understand that style is ultimately a way to communicate with other people.

This post wraps up style week on my blog, and you probably noticed that each of my posts emphasized the communication that happens with style in some way. In case you missed the earlier posts, check them out!

I’m gonna wrap up this week’s posts by revisiting the ways that style communicates with others, and then I’m gonna make a good old fashioned sales pitch for the DVD set that I learned a ton about style from.

Communicates how you behave

Style can say how wild you are, how conservative you are, how much you like to go out and be social, or how much you like to stay home.

More comfortable clothes may show others that you are interested in relaxing at home, and you’re not necessarily out to be seen by folks around town.

Flashy clothes can show others that you like to engage people. Do your shirts have stuff written on them? Funny lines, etc? A person wearing a shirt like that probably wants people to talk to them. It is practically an invitation for people to engage you about that.

Clothing also communicates stuff as simple as being a motor cycle rider, that you are active, or not very active (are you wearing athletic shoes? Or flip flops?)

Wearing a big pink boa out to a club is gonna communicate that you have fun, and want people to notice you. Probably shows that you are out to party and have a good time.

This just scratches the surface, but a lot of how someone behaves can be determined by those clothing choices.

Style Communicates what is important to you

Clothing and style communicates how important clothes are to you (duh), but this indicates something even deeper, which is how important your appearance is. Is it more important that you look nice, or that you look comfortable? Is it more important to look stylish, with the latest fashions, or more important to not spend too much money on clothes?

Is social status important to you? Not important to you? Style can tell people about this by how purposefully you wear clothes that are expensive, or purposefully inexpensive.

Do you value people that dress well them self? How important is that to you? A man that is dressed in very nice designer clothes may be communicating that he is interested in women that dress up quite nice them self, rather than some artsy, hippie woman, for instance.

Same guy wearing nice jeans, shoes and glasses, but with an old, beat up t-shirt may communicate that even though he may dress nice, what other people wear isn’t as important to him.

Style Communicates how you feel about yourself

Do you like to stand out? Fit in?

Are you feeling like wearing all black? Bright colors? I have it on good authority that women know that the clothing they wear communicates how they feel, and they will choose clothing that reflects that feeling. Men do the same, though much less consciously, and not to the same degree.

Clothes can communicate how upbeat someone is feeling, or how solemn they may be. Are you feeling tough? Aggressive? Nice? Friendly? Different styles will communicate these different moods.

You can let people know what to expect from you, and how you are feeling from the clothes you choose and how you choose to wear them. Even a popped collar vs. non-popped collar signifies something about the way someone is feeling.

Style Communicates the type of women you date

Maybe this is the big one. Maybe not.

Clothing and style tell a woman the kind of women that you date.

Most importantly, you can communicate with a woman, with your choice of clothes and style, if you date women like her. A woman that is a lawyer, for instance, is going to know that a man dressed in over sized hip hop style clothes probably doesn’t date women like her. An extreme example, I know, but it demonstrates the point.

A woman will be asking herself if you are the kind of man that dates women like her, and you can demonstrate either that you are, or that you aren’t, by those style choices.

Style is Communicated to You on DVD

If you want to communicate with women on their level, and you want to better understand how to communicate the type of man you are with style, get Dress For Success.

It is Lance Mason’s Study at home DVD program that goes in depth into all of the aspects of style that I have touched on this week.

It comes with a money back guarantee, you have nothing to lose by trying it out. If it doesn’t work out, no problem, you lose nothing. If it does work, and you learn something useful that helps you get a great woman.

Click here to get Dress For Success at the Pickup 101 Website.

Now go meet a woman this nice Labor Day weekend. Talk to you on Tuesday.

Order This Drink At The Bar To Make Yourself 37.9% More Intriguing To Women

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Time for some Friday fun. This post should to be taken with a grain of salt. And a slice of lime.

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I am about to reveal to you the secret drink to order that makes you at least 25% sexier and 32% more intriguing to women.

But before I do, I want to talk to you about why your choice of drink is so important.

That’s right, style week is moving to your style of drink.

The drink that you drink communicates quite a bit about you, and the type of night you are having. Forget your clothes, your shoes, your hair style, demeanor, and body language. The true mark of who a man is can be found in his glass.

You probably have a natural sense that this is true. When you see a man at a bar drinking a glass of wine, you can probably put together quite an impression of who he is and the type of night he is having. He’s a doosh bag. Unless he is at a wine bar. Then he’s just pretentious. Unless he’s there with a chick. Then he’s a pretentious doosh bag.

Just kidding. I don’t hate you if you like wine.

In the same vein, you can draw conclusions in your mind about the man with a bottle of Budweiser, or the guy with the Jagermeister shots (shudder).

Your drink can communicate how social you are, how drunk you are, how tasteful you are, how fancy you are, and how much of a man you are.

So this is like really really really important.

Are you ready to know what drink to order?

Your life will never be the same after this.

Here it is. This is the best drink to order at any bar ever:

Manhattan. On the rocks.

Do not order it up (in a martini glass, as it is served by default). The martini glass screams “LOOK AT ME, I CRAVE ATTENTION!” Order it on the rocks, like a man.

When a woman asks what you are drinking, and you reply Manhattan, she will know that it is a fancy drink, and she will know that it has whisky in it, because of the dark color.

Nothing says man to a woman like whisky.

Also, many people who don’t like whisky don’t like Manhattans, since bourbon (or rye) is the primary ingredient. She will think you are a real man because you can tolerate the strong, delicious, sweet, sweet flavor of Bourbon, yet know that you have class, because you aren’t drinking shot after shot of whisky.

Man. A man with taste. A man that likes fine things. A man with taste that likes fine things but doesn’t have to show off.

Be a man. Drink a Manhattan.

How To Dress On A Date

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The trick to dressing well on a date is to combine good style and making it look like you didn’t over think it.

I would be pleased to over think it for you, so that you don’t have to.

I think it goes without saying that it is best to wear clothes that flatter you and fit well. Show off your good assets.

Make sure you comb your hair too. My last significant girlfriend told me that she thought I had nice hair while we were on our first date.

Oh, and while we are on the subject, make sure you take some breath mints.

…Alright, back on track.

Another thing to make sure of is that your clothes are comfortable. This serves two purposes. First, you will be comfortable doing whatever it is you end up doing. Second, when your clothes are more comfortable, it helps you feel more comfortable being with this new woman.

The last thing that should guide your decision of what to wear should be that you feel like you look good wearing whatever it is you wear. It doesn’t have to be flashy or exciting, but you should feel like you look good in the clothes you decide to wear on a date. Your dates will go better when you feel sexy and attractive.

Here are some more guidelines that you may consider following beyond these basic rules.

Show different sides of your personality.

If I meet a woman out at a bar, and I am dressed casually, or dressed looking like a rocker in my leather jacket, I often plan the first date for some evening after work, when I will be dressed in a suit and tie. I like to show, with my clothing and style, different aspects of my personality.

This is similar to what I wrote yesterday about wearing accessories that are out of place with your overall look.

There is more to who I am than one particular stereotype, and I want to convey that with the clothes I choose to wear. At this time, I am working to convey breadth of character (depth comes later).

Not many people are always the same person all the time. We vary, sometimes we are fancy, sometimes casual, sometimes upbeat, sometimes mellow, sometimes professional, sometimes sporty, and sometimes slackers.

You can communicate this by wearing a different style of clothing on your date than you did when you met her.

Dress with a goal in mind.

On most first dates, I have a very specific goal in mind. I want to get to know the woman well, and to let her get to know me well. I want to build a connection quickly. I want us to feel like we know each other better after 1 date than she did the last guy after 10 dates.

With this in mind, I often tone down how I dress. I don’t dress as fancy or as flashy as when I met her. I want to communicate that this time together will not entirely be about flash and fun, but about substance.

By toning down my dress, I mean less accessories, less hip, fashionable clothing, less elaborate shoes (not less *nice* shoes though). Essentially, I shift away from dressing like one of the extremes of any stereotype.

Of course, this tactic fits into my overall goal of building a strong connection and rapport on that date. If you have other goals in mind, you can probably think about how you can dress to help communicate those goals.

Style is Communication

You may have noticed that pretty much everything I have written about style this week comes from the perspective of how to communicate to other people with your style.

Clothing and style is a *big* part of the non-verbal communication that we put out in to the world for everyone else to see and understand. No matter what we wear and how we wear it, we are communicating to women something about ourselves.

For a complete dose of learning about the language of style, get Dress For Success. It is a set of DVDs that goes in depth into style, and how it communicates with women.

Dress For Success costs less than a nice pair of jeans and shoes, and you will never buy the wrong jeans or wrong shoes again after watching this program.

Lance, who put this program together, offers a money back guarantee on the DVD program. You’ve got 6 weeks to try it out, and if it isn’t the right thing for you, you can return it for a refund. You’ve got nothing to lose. Except maybe your old crappy clothes.

Click here to go to the PickUp 101 website and get Dress For Success.

Accessorize Your Style In To Gear

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Accessorize sucka.

Accessories are sexy. Done.

Next post…

OK. I’ll elaborate.

Back In The Day

Way back in the old days, like 4 or 5 years ago, the general theory amongst all of those “pickup artist” guys was that by accessorizing (or “peacocking” as they called it to seem less gay), you gave women an easy way to start a conversation with you.

When a man is wearing a purple fuzzy hat, a woman can come up to him and comment on the hat without having to take the lead and approach a man to start the conversation. It was a safe way for women to start things without having to actually put on the pants and approach the guy. It’s safe to talk to the guy in the funny hat after all. Kinda.

So anyway, this works.

I used to wear a steel chain with a padlock on it. You know, like Sid Vicious. Whenever I wore that chain, a woman would comment on it. It was like a woman magnet.

[I also had this girl that would bite on it when we were, you know, intimate. Good god that was hot. Holy shit.]

Anyway, I pretty much always agree with the notion that men should be the ones to approach, and women shouldn’t have to approach a man and get things started.

These kind of accessories give a woman a way to get a man’s attention, and start a conversation, without technically having to approach.

It is up to you, as the man, to keep things going after this though.

Put on some sexy

Accessories, for better or worse, are sexy.

The only thing I can think of that might explain this is that accessories don’t serve a functional purpose, so when we wear accessories, we ornament out bodies. The only reason to ornament something is to bring attention to it, so when we ornament our bodies with accessories, we bring attention to our body. There’s always something sexy about bringing attention to bodies.

I just made all that up, so don’t quote me on that. It sounds pretty right on to me though.

Regardless of the reason, accessories are sexy, and they display some sexuality.

For this reason, I think that accessories are a good thing to add to your outfit. Get a cool necklace, rings, belts, buckles, earrings, bracelets, piercings, tattoos, etc.

Turn Her Upside Down

What I really like to do with accessories is to throw something in to the mix that doesn’t make sense.

If I am dressing pretty nicely in designer jeans, a button shirt and nice blazer, I might wear a leather bracelet with metal studs on it. It can’t really be seen form a distance, but may show through from time to time when I am talking to someone. The metal studs don’t fit with the rest of the outfit, and when a woman sees them, it can disrupt the impression she has of me.

I remember one time I was on a coffee break from work at Peet’s Coffee. I pulled out my shiny silver wallet, and the girl working at the counter said that she did not expect that wallet to come out of those slacks. I was wearing a nice fitted suit and tie at the time, so yeah. It didn’t fit with the rest of my look. In that moment I communicated some aspect of my personality that didn’t fit with the rest of my look.

What I attempt to do when I accessorize in this way is to make sure that I am countering whatever impression the rest of my outfit might be giving. I had a buddy who was a big guy, who would go out with a surfer/rocker look. He would wear a necklace with a turtle on it specifically to soften his look, and to subvert the idea of being a hardcore surfer guy.

I have had women ask about these types of accessories when they notice them on me, because they want to try to find out how this fits in to who I am. This is a good thing. These accessories convey that I am a more complicated person than I may seem.

We all simplify people in our mind, categorize them and decide what we think of them. I want to take whatever impression and categorization a woman has made of me and turn it on its head.

It makes me more interesting :)

Figure Out What Works Best For You

What is gonna look best on you?

The best way to figure this out is to try stuff. I used to accessorize far more than I do now. I have worn accessories that I am ashamed to admit to. Some pretty embarrassing stuff. I learned quite a bit about my personal sense of style by experimenting a bit.

If you are haven’t worked accessories into your style much in the past, just go out and buy a couple things, maybe a ring, necklace, and bracelet, and wear them. See how you feel, and see if they work for you.

It may take a few trials to find the right look for you. That’s good if it does.

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This post has been brought to you by Pantera and cheap wine from the corner store.

Do Your Style Well (Or The Metal Gods Will Smite You)

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I wrote this a while ago, while I was waiting to meet some of my friends in the parking lot of Shoreline Amphitheater. We met up before the show for some tailgate action before we went in to see Slayer and Cannibal Corpse.

I admit, I’m a metal head.

It kinda fits though, since I am talking about style this week. I got to pull this little bit of writing out of my vault.

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I’m down in Mountain View waiting for my friends to get to Mayhem Festival. We’re gonna grill up some food and throw back a few beers before going in to the Shoreline Amphitheater to see Slayer and a bunch of other bands.

I am a metal head, and Slayer is one of the kings of metal.

So I’m sitting here in this parking lot, and there are metal heads of all types hanging out, throwing down beers, and gearing up for the show.

Of course, what I start thinking about is style. Metal heads all have a particular look going for them, and the folks at this show range from convincingly hardcore to metal geek. Some of these guys out here are probably gonna have a style that women find attractive, and some of them, well, won’t. The type of look that you decide to go for is gonna influence what types of women find you attractive, but pretty much any look will be attractive to a good amount of women.

Assuming you do it well.

Metal heads can definitely be sexy, and if that’s what you are, then there is no reason not to rock your Cannibal Corpse t-shirt and get some big scary tattoos. The trick is to make sure that you pull off the look well, and look well put together, even if the look you are going for is disheveled rocker.

Find clothes that flatter you, and follow good guidelines for fit and matching. A black Napalm Death t-shirt probably isn’t gonna look too good with weird orange pants from Hot Topic. It will also look out of place if you’re wearing $150 True Religion Jeans and nice Kenneth Cole loafers (ask me how I know this).

The best rule to follow when you are figuring out what to wear, and what kind of look to put together is to be deliberate.

I see a lot of men in this parking lot wearing clothes that look like they got them as hand-me-downs, or they bought the clothes because it was what was easy to find and available from Target or JC Penney.

No thought seemed to go into their decision of what to wear, other than to make sure they wore their favorite metal band t-shirts, and then grabbed their crappy jeans, poor fitting jeans and the tennis shoes in their closet.

On the other hand, there are some guys here who have the metal look down. They’ve got jeans and t-shirts that fit well, they’ve got accessories that work with everything else, and it displays a certain attitude. Their haircuts and grooming, while not necessarily nice and neat, are deliberate, and well kept.

This approach to style – being deliberate about your clothing choices – works for any look. If you are an artist, jock, business man, nerd, or (heaven help us) hippy or hipster, you have a choice. You can either be sloppy about the look, or be deliberate about it.

If you are deliberate about your look, chances are that you will get noticed by women much more than if you are completely sloppy about it, and put no thought into your clothing choices.

Now, for some visual examples.

metal-dorks

These kids are the quintessential metal dorks. Yes, I am going a bit overboard to make my point, but they make the point so well. These guys have poor grooming, their clothes fit poorly, and nothing really matches.

These poor guys have had this picture really make the rounds on the internet. Their music is awesome though.

Zakk-Wylde

Now let’s take a look at Zakk Wylde, guitarist for Ozzy Osbourne and Black Label Society.

He’s not a traditional hot guy, or handsome, but he pulls off this metal look very well. Even though he has long hair that isn’t exactly a “neat” look, it looks taken care of.

His clothes match and fit well, and they all go together for the over all look that he gives off. When I see this look, it looks deliberate, and like he makes sure to make sure that he pulls off this look well.

Which one of these guys do you think is more likely to get eyed up by some hotty?

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I used the examples of the metal look in this post because, well, I was about to see Slayer and Cannibal Corpse when I wrote this. Metal was on my mind.

The idea that the way to make this style work, by being deliberate about how you put the look together, applies to any look. I don’t always dress up as a metal head. I wear a suit to work during the week, and I can get dressed pretty nice when I go out.

I was also a bit of a skater kid, and a punk rock kid, and that influences my look from time to time.

No matter what look you put together for yourself, put some thought into it, make sure it looks good, make sure your clothes fit well, and make sure you are creating the right attitude with your look.

Style Is Your First Impression

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Your clothes are talking about you, whether you like it or not.

There is a saying in some psychology circles that you and I are always communicating. You can’t not communicate. If you are talking, you are communicating something,a nd if you are not talking, you are also communicating, just not verbally.

Our clothing always communicates something about us. The way I dress can communicate how I feel about myself, how much time I spent gettign ready, how important looking good is, and how I want to interact with people.

And that’s just for starters.

Clothing is one of the first things we notice about a person, and you and I, very quickly, create an idea of what kind of person someone is, just by the way they dress.

This happens whether we want it to or not, it is one of the realities of the world.

This week I’ll be writing about fashion, style, and how knowing about fahion can help you convey your personality to women. Today, I want you to think about the impression you make with your clothing.

Aspects of fashion that go into this overall impression that fashion gives are:

  • What clothes you decide to wear
  • How well your clothes fit
  • What style you are going for, and how well you are actually pulling it off
  • How well your style follows the rules of style
  • When those rules are broken, is it intentional?
  • How fancy, or how casual, you are dressed

And on and on and on. For today, I’d just like you to think about what kind of impression you think your clothing makes. What does the fashion that you wear say about you. Are you fun? Serious? Casual? Rich? Poor?

Also, think about the impression that you would like to make. What do you want people to think about you when they see you. They are going to think something, so it might as well be whatever you would like them to think.

You cannot hide from fashion, because you are always conveying something with your clothing, even when you aren’t trying to convey anything (because that itself conveys something).

As you walk down the street today, take some time to notice how people dress, and what you can determine about who that person is from that. You may surprise yourself that you find yourself creating very vivid pictures in your mind about who someone is, just from how they dress (and of course, some other things like body language and facial expressions).

After you have spent the day people watching, stand in front of your mirror, and think about the picture you create in your head about a person dressed like you are. This is a fun exercise, and you may be surprised by what you see.

Also, if you have any questions about style, fashion, and how this can work for you or against you in the dating scene, leave a comment to this post and ask it. I will do my best to answer your questions in the posts that will be coming out this week.

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When you are ready to super charge your fashion, and learn to dress so that women think you are the best dressed guy they’ve seen all day, get Lance Mason’s Dress For Success home study program.

Lance is the founder of PickUp 101, a company dedicated to teaching men how to meet and date more women by bringing out their naturally attractive self. I credit Lance with teaching me more than anyone else about success with women, and now I work with him and coach for PickUp 101.

I watched this program myself, and was surprised how this DVD set goes beyond merely discussing what to wear. This program goes in depth into what exactly your fashion communicates about you. When you understand how fashion communicates with women, you can use this to help you meet and date hotter women, and be the best dressed guy in town.

The 3 DVD set is jam packed with style and fashion tips. Even more than fashion, you will learn the language of fashion that most men have little or no clue is being spoken.

For about the price of a nice dinner for two (including a decent bottle of wine), you get the 3 DVD set, a workbook to go with the DVD programming, and a fancy storage container for the whole set.

Click here to get Dress For Success at the Pickup 101 Website

Every one of Lance’s programs come with a money back guarantee, you literally have nothing to lose by trying out this program. If the program doesn’t work out, you can send it back within 6 weeks for a complete refund.

Check it out here:

Click here to get Dress For Success at the Pickup 101 Website

Be the Geek, Nerd or Dork That Women Love

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Geeky stuff is fun. It really just is a fact of life. Geeky stuff is just cool. It’s fun to play with, mess around with, and be into.

Women are also really fun. I can go on and on about the ways that women are amazing and fun, but I think you already know.

Liking one does not preclude liking the other. Have your cake, and eat it too.

I have heard geeky guys say that beautiful women would not be interested in a nerdy guy like them, but that isn’t necessarily true. You can be a geek, or nerd, or dork, and still meet amazing women, and make them a part of your life.

This is the last of my Dating For Dorks articles for now, and I want to sum it all up and leave you with a final thought on this.

I started this series by admitting that I am a comic book geek. I love them. I travel around the country to go to comic book conventions. I am partial to Star Wars as well. In fact, I am in to pretty much all geeky things. My only real exceptions are that I am not really a Trek fan, and I’ve never played D&D.

My love of all things geeky has never been a deal breaker with women, but I follow certain guidelines to keep it that way.

I Have a Full, Balanced Life

I love the geek stuff. I have a whole lot more going on in my life than just my love of comics though, and that is important. If I were to never read a comic again, and get rid of my collection, I would have plenty of other things happening in my life. I am an artist, and engineer, writer, web designer, have various groups of friends, can get people together to have fun, and can throw a good party. Just for starters.

If all I had going on in my life was my comics, I would not be very cool. I would have little to share with others, and it might be harder to relate with other people that aren’t comic geeks like me.

This balance of other stuff in my life other than comics is crucial for being a cool guy who happens to love geeky stuff, and not just a geek.

I am Comfortable With My Geekery

I am completely comfortable with this geeky side to my life, and never feel like I have to downplay, defend, or explain my interests. The more comfortable I am with my huge comics collection, the more comfortable women are with me having it.

The first of the two biggest mistakes I could make would be to try to downplay my interest, and try to play it off like I’m not really that into it (even though I am). The second of the two biggest mistakes I could make would be to try to defend my hobbies, and try to explain the reason why I like the stuff I like.

Both of these things happen when someone is insecure about their interests, and fear that others will judge them for their interests. The first step is to not judge yourself, then to not care if others judge you. When you do this, it turns out that folks won’t judge you for this.

I Don’t Feel Like I Need To Share This With Her

I know that no woman I date will ever like comic books or Star Wars as much as I do. I don’t expect her to either. I have found that I have to keep this in perspective.

It seems like it would make sense for us to share the things we love with our women. I am very comfortable having my geeky hobbies be my own thing that I don’t share with women however. I’ve got friends I can get together with and geek out with, and don’t feel compelled to make her love the stuff as much as I do.

I also would never let comics become more important than it should be. I keep my priorities right, and I am pursuing a number of my goals and passions that are important to me. My geeky hobbies are just that, hobbies, and I don’t let myself get so wrapped up in them that I lose track of what I think is really important.

It’s Up To You

If you let your geekiness hold yourself back, then it will. If you don’t let the fact that yo are a nerd impact your ability to be a cool guy, then it won’t. It is up to you to decide what this means to you, and up to you to get what you want in life and not to compromise.

You can be a dork. You can also meet and date beautiful women. You are not Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons, you are your own person, and your destiny and identity are in your hands.

I want nothing less than for every nerdy, dorky guy to decide that they aren’t going to let any of their interests and hobbies hold them back, and to make themselves the coolest guys around.

The geek shall inherit the earth, why not take it a step further, and dominate it.

How to Be the Geek of Her Dreams

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I think that every guy who has some dorky habits dreams of finding the perfect woman, beautiful, fun, loving, and loves all of our geeky habits. She reads Spider-Man comics, loves anime, has a Slave Leia outfit, and may or may not speak Klingon (at least a few words).

I actually do have a friend who has found himself the perfect geek woman. One of the stops on their honeymoon was to a comic book convention, he had a Green Lantern ring made of Amethyst and Diamonds for Valentine’s Day, and they can actually use both the sentence, “we talked about Star Trek: Deep Space Nine for an hour”, and “we weren’t expecting things to go so well” to describe their first date.

I am very happy for them, and they are very happy together.

It is pretty rare though for a man to find a woman who shares his love for all things geek.

Have you been to a comic book convention? The guy to girl ratio is pretty darn high. It is not a place to go to have good chances of finding love. I hear Star Trek and Sci-Fi conventions are even worse (I’ve never been to one – honest!)

Most of the time, the geeky guy ends up dating a less geeky woman, just as a result of numbers. And that’s great! I’ve never dated a woman that was really into any dorky stuff. One of them said she really liked Star Trek, but she never really acted on it. She may have just been trying to impress me..

So now you’ve got a girlfriend, or a woman you are dating, because you have followed all my other awesome advice on this blog, and you are wondering how you can share your love of all things geek with her.

It makes sense, after all. I love comics. I really really love comics. I think the medium is incredibly fun, amazing, and has incredible potential for storytelling and communication. I also just love geeky comics of Batman kicking butt (or just making drawings on the walls of caves way back in time, as he seems to be doing now).

Of course I would love to share my love of this with a woman. It’s important to me.

But then again, there is reality

I came to a stark conclusion after a few desperate attempts to share with women just why comics are so cool: They don’t care. No matter how much I love comics, that isn’t going to transfer over to her. She’s not ever going to love Star Wars even a tenth as much as I do. It just isn’t going to happen.

An even more important conclusion for me was when I realized that not only was she never going to be really interested in what I like, was when I realized that I was OK with that. I don’t mind that she doesn’t love my geeky stuff. I still enjoy it just as much.

Of course, if she does show an interest, I am prepared to share some stuff with her. I’ll give her a Strangers In Paradise book, Sandman, or Bone, and see how she likes that. If she likes it, I’ll give her more. If she shows any interest in Anime, I’ll watch Totoro with her, or some other Miyazaki film. If she is interested in some Sci-Fi I’ll take her to the latest Star Trek movie, or give her Stranger in a Strange Land to read. I’ll test the waters to see if she groks it. What I won’t do is overwhelm her with the stuff I love, or put any pressure on her to try it out.

Maybe she won’t ever be interested though. That is fine. I actually am not too interested in dating a woman that likes comics or Star Wars. I like having my own hobbies and interests. I’ve found ways to allow that side of me, those geeky hobbies, to flourish, without the need to share them with the women I date.

For one, I do them on my own time. I would never sit around and read a comic when spending time with a woman, or when she comes over to hang out. I enjoy my time with her, and leave the geeky stuff for my own time.

Also, I have found like minded guys who also love the stuff I love. I get to share this with them. I’ve got a decent group of comic geeks that I know in my area. Every now and then we will get together for a day, maybe go on a crawl to a bunch of comic shops, or go see some geeky movie, like we did when Wolverine: Origins came out in the theater. I got to really relish in my geekiness, without the need to share it with any women.

Keep it in perspective

back in college, my girlfriend was talking about some of the guys in her dorm building, and how disgusting she thought it was that they just played video games all the time. They just wasted their time on silly games.

What I didn’t tell her was that I wished I could just play video games all the time.

What women want is a man that has passions and inspiration in his life, and works to do and achieve stuff in line with those passions. It is one of those qualities of a man that is almost universally attractive. It goes back to the saying that the best way to meet women is to have something better to do than to meet women.

This goes back to the second post in this series about dating for dorks, when I wrote about having other things in your life besides your geekeries. If all you do with your time is read comics, or play video games, or perfect your Klingon fighting technique and language pronunciation, then yes, you may have a hard time finding a woman who finds that attractive. When it is just a small part of the overall picture, then you are in good shape.

Sometimes, at the end of the week, I want nothing more than to hop on my Xbox 360 and play Call of Duty with some friends and decompress from a week of working. I don’t do that every night though, nor would I want to. Nor would my women want me to either.

When you’ve got the rest of your life under control, then spending your extra time on your geekery of choice is no big deal. Better yet, you can do what my friend Dave does, and align his passions with his geekeries. Read his web comic, Space-Time Condominium. Dave is a geek at heart, but his passions are in making and drawing comics. He does both, and it shows in what he does and how he behaves. Plus, I mention him because he is an amazing wingman.

Don’t stop loving your geeky stuff, just find the time to love it, and don’t push it on the women in your life. Live and let live.

Coming up in the next post: I have no idea what.

Your Attitude Will Create Her Attitude

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Dating for Dorks continues. See the last couple posts for more on this subject.

Often times, us dorks think that we have to hide our nerdiness from women.

If we could, we would put all our toys, video games, comics, DVDs and D&D books away in some iron clad chamber where they would never be found.

For the non-geeky reading this, I want you to understand what it feels like.

Believe it or not, most people think geeks are lame

The stereotypes of people that like geeky stuff are pretty bad. Imagine comic book guy from the Simpsons, or a D&D nerd, or some weird kid that watches too much anime.

The thing is, geeky fanaticism for comics or star trek is just as geeky as going to a football game, dressing up in your team’s colors, and playing fantasy football. It is the same as a woman getting dressed up with her friends in dresses and heels, going to watch the Sex and the City movie and drink Cosmos.

D&D and Star Trek get looked down on by society far more than football and Sarah Jessica Parker do however. Us dorks have years of social retards and [fairly true] stereotypes that helped shape what people think of our hobbies.

All of this can make a guy fairly defensive or cautious with this stuff. I have read threads on comic book discussion forums about guys that were scared to tell their girlfriend that they read comics, and threads asking other people if and how they hide their hobby from people.

The key to making women comfortable

What I have discovered is that women will be just as comfortable with my dorky hobbies as I am. That is really all you need to know.

I’ll expand on this anyway though…

My dorky hobbies are just one part of my life. I have plenty of other stuff going on in my life, as I talked about in my last post. I don’t hide the fact that I have these dorky habits. I tend to keep a couple graphic novels laying around on my coffee table, I’ve got an awesome Batman with a Green Lantern Ring action figure on top of my fridge, a Cobra Commander figure in front of my computer monitor on my desk, and I even still have a copy of Iron Man #128 in my liquor cabinet.

Like I said, I don’t hide it. I don’t, however, flaunt it outrageously. I keep all my comics put away in my closet, along with most of my other stuff. I’ve just got a few of my favorite things out around my apartment, but most of it is put away where it belongs. When a woman walks in to my apartment, she isn’t walking in to Sean’s Amazing Dungeon of Comics and Toys.

Clearly, I’m not hiding all of this stuff from people. I don’t even talk about it unless they ask. If they do, I don’t make a bigger deal of it than it is.

The important thing for her to know isn’t that I am a geek, but that I am secure with myself, and that is why I don’t make a big deal about it. If she asks about it, or it comes up, I mention it, and maybe joke about it a little bit.

Her: “You read comics?”

Me: “Yeah, I love all that geeky shit”

~or~

Her: “How many GI Joe figures do you have?”

Me: “Well, I have to have enough to recreate the assault on Cobra Island [with a smirk]”

The 2 things NOT to do

There are two things I don’t do, and that is to try to downplay it or explain it. Both of these responses display a little bit of insecurity about your habits and hobbies. The insecurity is far less attractive than liking comic books and GI Joe ever could be.

When someone downplays something they will try to excuse it, or make it seem like an accident. They might say something like, “oh, that’s just some old junk”, or I tried it out, but I don’t really like it that much” or something like that. Don’t downplay your habits.

The other response that shows some insecurity is to try to explain it. If a woman asks me about my comic book hobby, and I were to try to explain to her that comics have really matured and that there is a lot of really good stuff out there and it’s not all just kid’s superhero stuff, then I would be trying to make excuses or explain it.

This is just a way of being defensive about something, and defensive behavior is almost always insecure behavior.

If you like something that is pretty dorky, or have a collection of the geekiest thing imaginable, be secure about it, and drop the need to defend, explain, or downplay it.

What if she doesn’t give up on it?

Often times, just being comfortable with your loves and hobbies will be enough for a woman to be comfortable with it.

From time to time, a woman may push the point though, and really dig into you about it. They may challenge you, call the hobby immature, whatever. The trick in these situations is to banter. In particular, the two types of banter I would use would be to self-deprecate and to exaggerate on the point.

When I say self-deprecate, I mean to take what she is saying about you that may be thought of as lame or dorky, and make it worse. Take it to the next level of dorkiness, and describe yourself as that. Exaggeration does pretty much the same thing. Here are a couple of examples of what I mean.

Her: Why do you have that figure? [pointing to Cobra Commander]
Me: Oh, that’s Cobra Commander. He’s there as a reminder that I should be taking over the world.
~or~
Her: Wow, you are a dork!
Me: If you think this is bad, you should see my place when I have the Star Wars bed sheets on.
~or~
Her: You know these kinds of toys are for kids, right?
Me: Well, they were out of the special limited edition variant, so I had to get this one.

All in all, the point of all of this is that you should be secure with yourself, secure about what you like, and not let anybody throw you off of that.

In the next post I will talk about sharing your dorky habits with women, and whether you even should in the first place.