This is something that I was recently able to verbalize. It’s something I went through, and something I have noticed in a lot of other men. We latch onto the idea of teasing and busting on her a woman because of anger towards women, and that anger is keeping us from the success that we want.
A lot of us are seeking to become better with women because we were (are?) frustrated with women. I personally came into this community after a five year relationship that was very emotionally draining. I started with David DeAngelo’s material, as a lot of us did, and really latched onto the idea of cocky funny, in particular, ball busting. I read it in all the newsletter testimonials “I busted her balls and she was all over me!” I thought, man, I can just make fun of girls and they will be all over me. Of course, this would lead to the very unfunny, and not nice comments like “You’re a bitch! Huh huh, huh huh” or my personal favorite of the girl wearing a shawl, “Nice drapes!” (a la my awesome wingman “Zen Player”).
What I realized is that deep down I had a lot of anger towards women. A LOT of it. I had it for two reasons. First, my ex-girlfriend of five years hurt me pretty deeply with her perceived lack of love and affection. This made me bitter towards women in general, as I associated that pain and anger I felt with the experience of being with a women. Second, I felt like women made it SO DIFFICULT for me to find happiness. I felt like all I wanted was a girl to be with and be happy, but THEY wouldn’t give that to me. I felt like they were denying me what I wanted, for no good reason.
The first reason is personal. I just had to get over it. It took a lot of time, reflection, and realizing that that was ONE girl, not every girl. A lot of guy’s stories start with, “well I was in this long relationship, and it ended, and…” It is pretty easy to take the anger you feel towards one particularly damaging relationship, and associate it with all women. I did. My understanding of romance with women was informed by my long relationship. Whenever I thought of ANY girl, I associated it with how it was with that ONE.
The second reason happens especially for a lot of the “nice guys” and guys who haven’t had too much success. I went a long time without much success. In the three years between breaking up with my ex and joining the community, I had VERY little success, just a couple random social circle hook ups. I WANTED to be meeting girls, but I felt it was just ridiculously hard. I would be out at bars, and not meet girls. I would go to parties, and not meet girls. I would go to shows, and not meet girls. You get the idea. I felt like THE GIRLS were making it so hard for me to meet them. They were making it SO HARD for me to just get some love and affection from them. THEY were denying me the things I most wanted.
So here I was, with all this anger towards women, and I didn’t even know I had it. It was always just boiling beneath the surface. Then finally, I read that I can bust on women, and they will love me! Then I read I can subtly insult women, and they will be incredibly attracted to me! What did I do? I latched on to this BIG TIME, because I could use these “attraction techniques” while secretly acting on this internal anger I felt towards women. I told myself “Yeah, I’m picking up chicks!” while subconsciously I was thinking, “I already hate you, so take that, you bitch!”
In those days, I heard a lot of responses like “you’re an asshole” or “You are so rude” or “You’re a jerk” or “[a snotty look and walk away]”. Now, I still hear these responses, but it is usually said with a playful smile.
It took work for me to learn this pickup stuff, and that process reinforced my anger. I would go out and talk to women, and have no results. I would feel like I was putting so much effort into this, just to get the love, attention, and affection (and sex, don’t get me wrong), that I wanted from them. I was reading a lot, learning a bunch of stuff, going out and practicing, and STILL they were making it hard for me to succeed. I would feel that these girls weren’t going to give me what I want, even though I am trying so hard. WHY do they make this so difficult [anger anger anger]! I would then make a nasty comment, and BOOM, the interaction would end.
The first step for me was realizing that I had this anger towards women, the second step was to then LET GO OF IT. You can’t let go of it unless you realize it is there first. If you hold anger towards women, it will come out in your interactions. It may just be in small ways. A tone of voice, an “us against them” mentality, or a not-playful-enough ball busting comment or banter line.
I realized when I was talking about this with some guys that I am finally over my anger towards women. I don’t have it anymore. Gone. It took work though. Now if I bust a girls balls, I am very playful about it. I have the feeling, “Why would I WANT to say something that would make her feel bad?” I am also starting to have some success. Coincidence? I think this anger thing was a big part of the inner puzzle for me.