Monthly Archives: August 2009

Good things come in small packages

Mini, but super!
A little Friday fun.

A friend of mine went to Panama, and sent me some of her photos from the trip.

I’m not gonna share the pictures of her looking cute in her dress, but I thought this one was pretty good.

It may be mini, but it sure is SUPER!

My only wish is that I could pick up some chick at this store, so that I could write a book about mastering the Mini Super Fuk! 

Have a good weekend, everyone, I’ll be teaching at an Art of Rapport workshop for part of the weekend, should be fun!

Nice guys are manipulative bastards

The “nice guy” that we all know and recognize is a manipulative prick, who only does nice things to guilt trip women into liking him.

How’s that for laying down the gauntlet?

I’m not down on being nice, even if I am sometimes a little mean. It is wonderful to be nice to people, and I may even write an upcoming post about that very subject.

But what is not nice is when a man does something that seems nice, but is in fact not very nice at all. In fact some things that seem like they are very nice can have ulterior motives, and that is definitely not nice.

What do I mean by that?

  • A man that takes a woman out to a fancy dinner, because he expects her to like keep dating him or to “put out” after that, is not nice.
  • A man that does favors for and hangs out with a woman, hoping she might come around and like him back, is not nice.
  • A man that goes overboard and brings a woman flowers on a first date to go get coffee, in hopes that that the flowers will make the good first impression, is not nice.

None of these things are nice, because the nice thing is done with the expectation or hope that the woman will give the man what he wants in return. If you do something nice for a woman, with no thought of anything nice in return, that’s great. So often when a man acts nice towards a woman this is not the case though.

Story Time

Back in the day, I was out one night at a bar with my sister and one of her friends. We were having a grand ol time, and the drinks were flowing. We were sitting in the middle of the bar, plenty of folks around, so of course some guys started talking to us.

A few guys were hitting on my sister and her friend, and it was all good. They were nice enough guys, and everything was friendly.

Eventually the three of us got tired of the bar we were at and decided to take off and go to another bar. My sister went to settle our tab, which was pretty hefty. Over 100 bucks (we weren’t being shy with the drinks).

Something surprising happened. One of the guys that had been talking to my sister offered to pay for our entire tab. All three of us. My sister declined, but he was really insistent. It took a while for my sister to get it into his head that, no, he wasn’t going to pay for our tab.

Now, that could seem like a pretty nice thing to do. He offered to cover our entire tab. I wish people would pay for all of my drinks all the time. Very nice thing to do.

Behind that, however, was a certain agreement he was trying to force into place. He wasn’t offering to pay out of the goodness and kindness of his heart. He was not practicing random acts of kindness or anything like that. He was buying the drinks to make the two women I was with that night like him. I’m pretty sure that in his mind, he was thinking that he would pay for the drinks, and the women would go out with him because of that.

The *nice* thing he was offering up was really an attempt to manipulate them into feeling obligated to spend more time with him.

Catch it before it starts

This is easy to change. Whenever you have the option to do something nice for a woman that is above and beyond what you would normally do, ask yourself if if you are hoping for anything in return.

If you hope that doing this will make her like you, or do something in return for you, then it probably isn’t a good idea.

If you are expecting something in return, then your nice action is actually going to be tainted with manipulation. Manipulation just isn’t cool. Not towards women, not towards men, just don’t do it. You don’t want to end up like this guy, calling to ask for her share of what you paid for dinner on the date, just because she didn’t want to go out again.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting a woman to like you. Don’t get the wrong impression. I have met plenty of women that I wanted to like me.

Rather than go overboard trying to show how nice and thoughtful I am, I know I will get much further by actually just being nice and thoughtful.

Be good, and be nice, but don’t be a nice guy.

How to flirt: Use this opener to start a conversation with women

Here is one of my favorite ways to start a flirtatious conversation with a group of women. This is tons of fun, and always gets a good response from the group.

I’ve used this during the day in a park, or in Union Square, and I’ve used it at night when I am out at bars. It is simple to use, and leaves a great opening to continue the conversation.

This works best with women in groups of 2 or 3, which is pretty common to see when you are out and about.

So what is this amazingly simple line to use?

“Hey guys, you know, I’m actually not sure which of you to flirt with first.”

That’s it. You can add to it, “You’re both so cute, I’m not sure which of you to flirt with first.”

You can change it up: “I’m not sure which of you I should hit on first. This is really a dilemma for me.”

This is a fun, flirtatious way to start the conversation.

You can then ask which of them is the best flirt, if one responds really well, tell the others that you are going to flirt with her, you can accuse them of being bad at flirting, and on and on and on.

A fun attitude makes this work. This is not a very serious way to start a conversation, so there is no reason to be too serious about it. A smile and upbeat attitude goes a long way.

Last weekend I approached a two women in a bar and used this opener, and one of them responded that we should play rock, paper, scissor to see who flirts with who. I’ll be stealing that from her.

Try this out, have some fun, and flirt with some women.

She said, “We don’t like timid men”

Timid men need not apply. Women agree on this.

My interaction with a couple girls on Saturday was very rich and metatextual. A lot happened that was very instructional. I am writing up all of the interesting parts in pieces, to extract the juicy information out of it.

I was on the balcony of Medjool, overlooking the dance floor, talking to a cute girl in a hat, and she talked about the different ways that men approach women. “We [women] don’t like timid men. We can tell when a man is timid, and it kills it.”

She told me that was why she liked me, I didn’t hesitate to come over to her and her friend and see what was going on, meet them, and flirt with them. I knew what I was doing, and I knew how I was going to approach them, how I was going to start the conversation, and felt good about my ability to talk to them and join their group.

It was coincidental that this was in the middle of an Art of Attraction workshop, an entire workshop devoted to making sure men aren’t timid. It sure as hell isn’t the time for me to be timid myself.

It was nice to hear from a woman that what I teach is, you know, right.

Recognizing Timidness

Timidness is the almost the complete opposite of confidence. Confidence is being sure and comfortable with what you are doing, not hesitating, and enjoying yourself.

A timid man is cautious, nervous, hesitant, and waits for permission, or a good reaction, before going on with what he is doing. A timid man doesn’t take risks, and doesn’t do anything to put himself on the spot.

I’ve noticed that the biggest reason that men are timid when approaching a woman is the fact that they are waiting to see how they will react. They are waiting for a good reaction before continuing the interaction.

Timid men want a good reaction before committing to an interaction. They are waiting for permission to join a group of women before they really open up and express them self.

The odd thing about this though, is that by being timid, the chances of being accepted by, and receiving a warm response from a group of women will go down drastically.

“Any woman wants a confident man.”

Women respond to your confidence.

Women always seem to give the same answers when they ask what they are attracted to in a man. They like a man who can just be himself, who can make her laugh, and above all, is confident.

Confidence is one of those things in life that, like all important things, is very simple, yet can be very difficult to put into actual practice.

Here are some of the things that display that a man is confident when he approaches a group.

  • He does not fidget when he walks, and when he stands next to the women
  • He makes eye contact with the women, and does not get nervous and look away when they give eye contact back
  • He talks slowly and calmly
  • He does not seek their approval before proceeding to talk to them
  • He smiles and enjoys the time he is spending with the women
  • He is sure of how he is going to approach, and says what he has to say without hesitation

This is just a partial list, but these are some of the things that women see that indicate if a man is confident about what he is doing or not.

There is no downside to confidence.

As men, we really have very little to lose by approaching some women and starting to talk to them. The worst that can happen is that they turn us down, or aren’t interested in meeting us. It may not exactly feel that way when we aren’t used to approaching women often, but this is true, objectively.

There is nothing to lose by being confident. If you have decided to approach a woman, it will not go worse by approaching more confidently. It can only make things go better, and kick off things with a woman better.

On the flipside, being timid can only make the woman’s reaction worse. Being timid when approaching a woman will not make her like you more, and it will not make a better first impression.

We teach confident behavior and how to confidently approach a woman at the Art of Attraction workshop. The workshop is three days, spending days and evenings in a classroom to learn, and more importantly, practice the skills that make you more confident. We spend two nights out on the town, meeting and talking to women, and working with our coaches to put the new skills into practice.

The workshop is an investment in your future, your relationships, and in the confidence that you feel every day.

Please feel free to click right here and read more about it on the PickUp 101 website.

This workshop will knock the timid right out of you, and women will thank you for that.

Understand the attractive woman’s experience

An attractive woman gets hit on constantly when she is out at the bar or club. You have no idea how frustrating and annoying this is to her.

Last Saturday night during an Art of Attraction workshop I ended up talking to two women up on the rooftop bar we went to. One of them was cute with the type of round face that I like, and she was wearing this interesting, funky hat that conveyed some nice personality. She laughed at the things I said too, which is a quick way to win me over.

Her friend was blonde, and had nice large breasts that she was not shy about sharing with the world. The dress she was wearing was very revealing, God bless her.

The girl with the hat and I hit it off, and got a lot of time to get to know each other. Her friend, the blonde, was being a good wingwoman, and giving us our space to talk.

They practically lined up for her

It was very interesting to see that the friend of the girl I was hitting on was never left alone.

It turns out (surprise, surprise) that if you are a blonde, attractive women with big breasts, you get hit on. A LOT. Even more so if you wear a dress that reveals just how much assets you have.

The three of us eventually left the rooftop bar to go to the lower floors of the club. My girl and I were getting closer as we checked out the scene of the dance floor from the balcony, and her friend was just kind of hanging back 10 feet or so.

A few guys approached the friend while we were hanging out on the balcony. She talked to them for a few seconds or a minute, then blow them off. 10 to 30 seconds later, there was another guy coming up to her to hit on her.

It was really rather absurd how often she got hit on. It was frequent enough to make her night a very frustrating night. in fact, when I first approached the two of them, I could see this frustration in her response. She was annoyed by yet another guy approaching them. This kinda changed when I got her to laugh a little with my banter, and she saw that me and her friend were getting along well.

I want to get back to this woman’s experience though. She could not be left alone by men approaching her. Most of them approached in the same, boring, “playing it cool” way that every other guy did. After a while, I don’t think any type of approach would stand out to her.

Spare some change?

The closest experience to this for a man that I can think of is when we are constantly asked for money by homeless people.

In San Francisco, there are a lot of homeless folks on the streets. I work downtown, and live by Union Square, two areas that have a very dense homeless population. As I walk to work, walk around at lunch, and walk about my neighborhood, I am constantly bombarded with people asking for change.

After a couple times, I just tune it out and ignore it. It doesn’t matter how compelling their reason for asking for my money is, I tune it out. Now imagine if this happened every minute for the 20 minutes it takes me to walk to work in the morning, and the 20 minutes it takes me to walk home.

I would be very frustrated; I would be thoroughly annoyed.

This woman must have been approached at least 40 times that night. I personally saw her get approached about 10 times in the 20 to 30 minutes that I was talking to her friend.

So what would it take for you to get that girl?

What would it take for the homeless guy to get your change?

Be different

You’re gonna have to be confident. You can’t be timid. Even more so than all of this, I think that showing some understanding of what she is experiencing will take you even further.

Show that you understand that she has been hit on all night, and relax. Don’t hit on her. Win her over by chilling out, and getting to know her. Have a real conversation with her, and don’t really try to “pick her up”.

This is far different than how most guys approached this woman. Most approached trying to show how cool they were, be a mack daddy, and get their groove on. By trying to stand out by being cool, they blended in with the rest.

The guy that would really stand out would be the one that wasn’t trying to be cool, that wasn’t trying to impress her or hit on her. The man that could walk up to her and have a normal conversation with her, taking time to find out who she really is beyond just blonde hair and body that gets a man’s blood pumping, is probably going to get a lot further than the guys trying to play it cool.

Taking some time to think about and understand a woman’s experience will give you great insight on how to approach and meet these type of women.