Nice guys are manipulative bastards

The “nice guy” that we all know and recognize is a manipulative prick, who only does nice things to guilt trip women into liking him.

How’s that for laying down the gauntlet?

I’m not down on being nice, even if I am sometimes a little mean. It is wonderful to be nice to people, and I may even write an upcoming post about that very subject.

But what is not nice is when a man does something that seems nice, but is in fact not very nice at all. In fact some things that seem like they are very nice can have ulterior motives, and that is definitely not nice.

What do I mean by that?

  • A man that takes a woman out to a fancy dinner, because he expects her to like keep dating him or to “put out” after that, is not nice.
  • A man that does favors for and hangs out with a woman, hoping she might come around and like him back, is not nice.
  • A man that goes overboard and brings a woman flowers on a first date to go get coffee, in hopes that that the flowers will make the good first impression, is not nice.

None of these things are nice, because the nice thing is done with the expectation or hope that the woman will give the man what he wants in return. If you do something nice for a woman, with no thought of anything nice in return, that’s great. So often when a man acts nice towards a woman this is not the case though.

Story Time

Back in the day, I was out one night at a bar with my sister and one of her friends. We were having a grand ol time, and the drinks were flowing. We were sitting in the middle of the bar, plenty of folks around, so of course some guys started talking to us.

A few guys were hitting on my sister and her friend, and it was all good. They were nice enough guys, and everything was friendly.

Eventually the three of us got tired of the bar we were at and decided to take off and go to another bar. My sister went to settle our tab, which was pretty hefty. Over 100 bucks (we weren’t being shy with the drinks).

Something surprising happened. One of the guys that had been talking to my sister offered to pay for our entire tab. All three of us. My sister declined, but he was really insistent. It took a while for my sister to get it into his head that, no, he wasn’t going to pay for our tab.

Now, that could seem like a pretty nice thing to do. He offered to cover our entire tab. I wish people would pay for all of my drinks all the time. Very nice thing to do.

Behind that, however, was a certain agreement he was trying to force into place. He wasn’t offering to pay out of the goodness and kindness of his heart. He was not practicing random acts of kindness or anything like that. He was buying the drinks to make the two women I was with that night like him. I’m pretty sure that in his mind, he was thinking that he would pay for the drinks, and the women would go out with him because of that.

The *nice* thing he was offering up was really an attempt to manipulate them into feeling obligated to spend more time with him.

Catch it before it starts

This is easy to change. Whenever you have the option to do something nice for a woman that is above and beyond what you would normally do, ask yourself if if you are hoping for anything in return.

If you hope that doing this will make her like you, or do something in return for you, then it probably isn’t a good idea.

If you are expecting something in return, then your nice action is actually going to be tainted with manipulation. Manipulation just isn’t cool. Not towards women, not towards men, just don’t do it. You don’t want to end up like this guy, calling to ask for her share of what you paid for dinner on the date, just because she didn’t want to go out again.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting a woman to like you. Don’t get the wrong impression. I have met plenty of women that I wanted to like me.

Rather than go overboard trying to show how nice and thoughtful I am, I know I will get much further by actually just being nice and thoughtful.

Be good, and be nice, but don’t be a nice guy.

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    11 thoughts on “Nice guys are manipulative bastards

    1. T. AKA Ricky Raw

      I’d add that the nice guy who is mean to guys who can’t help him or demeans girls who are fat or ugly but is only nice to women he finds hot is another guy who is not really nice. There are so many guys who are dicks to everyone except the hot girl they want then go around lamenting how nice guys finish last when she doesn’t want him.

    2. Ben

      If a guy likes a girl, of course he is going to be on his best behavior. So whether, he gets mutual feelings or not is beside the point. He is hoping that she feels the same way, but if she doesn’t, then he will feel free to move on. A girl should let a guy know as soon as possible whether she is interested, or just likes one as a friend, or wants him to go away. It is never wrong to be nice. We need more kindness in the world.

    3. Sean Deacon Post author

      Well, my view is that if a man doesn’t know pretty early on that the woman likes him, then he is doing something wrong. I certainly think that we should be kind, but niceness for the sake of getting in exchange for being nice is a dangerous path.
      .-= Sean DeaconĀ“s last blog post ..Touch Is Communication =-.

    4. (sic)ko

      huge difference between being nice, and being respectful.
      this statement reaches far beyond the world of dating.

    5. Me

      I don’t agree with this article. What kind of stupid woman think that a guy will just blow $100 expecting nothing especially when the environment is a Bar. Give the guy a credit how at least he respects the gentleman way of getting a girl, first get to know them, pay for their drinks, then check out see how things go. It’s a sign of interest, it’s the girls in the article who are not nice. You shouldn’t accept anything from anyone if you don’t plan on returning, give and take. You might as well say any guy who are trying to pursue the love of their life is not nice.

    6. The Beans

      Hahaha…Yeah insinuating yourself and repeatedly attempting to foist money on a woman who has turned it down is the “gentlemanly” thing to do. Right. If you missed it, they turned his offer down repeatedly, probably because they felt uncomfortable at the insinuation.

      Guys at bars basically wag their wangs at a girl until something sticks, and this includes throwing money around. It’s all part of the same thing, and it’s pretty fucking ridiculous.

    7. nice guy

      Girls can usually tell when a guy is interested, whether he’s being nice or not. If the guy at the bar was being pushy, then he wasn’t being a nice guy. And plus, it should be pretty obvious most guys at a bar are just trying to get laid.

    8. Martin Hewitt

      I don’t think any gesture of true kindness should be done in expectation of “something in return” but I think there is a gray area beween the manipulative “nice” guy and the guy who gets it right (for the moment ignoring the third way of being an outright jerk). There is the guy who has genuine intentions but has a poor grasp of how to go about it. Being overly generous to think someone may come around is stupid, but it is not necessarily being a manipulative prick. Such guys needs to vbe told (in which case blogs like this are excellent) but equally so, any woman who knowingly takes advantage is a bigger prick.
      Also if any girl or guy likes someone then trying to “woo” them by including thoughfulness isn’t a bad idea and it’s human to do this in hope of reciprocation but never the expectation of it! It’s only negative when the giver gets resentful that the other person doesn’t do exactaly what they expected. We don’t “choose” who we fall in love with, it either is or it ain’t!

    9. Fringe

      I’m probably coming in here with a way different perspective but what I think the guy was doing wasn’t really that bad. He wasn’t mentally or physically harming anybody in the process. He’s probably young, too and it’s a perfectly understandable attitude for a young guy to have.

      I would object to this if he forced the issue but if he took the hint early and left, it’s no big deal.

      I mean come on. Who’s going to pay a $100 tab out of the kindess of their own heart? I would only do that if I had the money and wanted to donate to a charity I truly believe in…but not a damn drink tab.

    10. Your Mom

      The mistake that nice guy do is that they “pay” up in advance without any guarantee of getting paid back.

      Yes they are despicable because they display themselves as good guys, while their acts of “kindness” do have a selfish motive.

      But you could also mention manipulative woman who lead on nice guys. If you weren’t such a pussy who tries to suck up to the woman.

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