Nervousness is an outdated survival mechanism that is no longer relevant.
Now, before I go on, I want to be clear that I am talking about nervousness with women. And let’s face it. Many men get nervous around women, especially very attractive women.
I asked out my high school girlfriend after I ran into her at the beach one summer between my junior and senior year. I was hanging out with my sister, and my sister had to heavily encourage me to get over my nervousness and ask her for her phone number and out on a date.
I felt like my heart was going to burst out of my chest because my heart was beating so hard.
I thought the nervousness would kill the first time I approached a woman I didn’t know (the dreaded cold approach).
This was my first semester after transferring to UC Berkeley for Engineering School, and there was one girl in one or two of my classes that was drop dead gorgeous. I spent five minutes walking a ways behind her as I worked up the courage to approach her, fumble over my opening lines, and introduce myself.
Oh, the nervousness hurt. But in both of these cases, it was the right thing to do. Absolutely the right thing to do.
I dated that girl I walked up to on the beach for 5 years, and I fell crazy in love with her. The girl at I followed through campus, building up my courage to talk to ended up being very friendly, and though I fumbled over everything I did when I met her, I learned that I wouldn’t die if I approached a gorgeous woman.
Why was I even nervous? Neither of these situations ended poorly, and really, neither of them could have gone really poorly. The worst that could have happened would be that the girl tell me she wasn’t interested. No real harm there.
So why was I so nervous?
I’m hardwired to get nervous around beautiful women. We all are to some degree. What’s going on in these situations is that we are doing something a little bolder than we are used to doing.
We get nervous when we do something outside of our comfort zone. All sorts of things push people outside of our comfort zones:
- Public speaking
- Parachuting out of airplanes
- Job interviews
- Asking for a raise at work
- …and talking to beautiful women
Often times, there is some sort of risk involved when something makes us nervous. When jumping out of an airplane, there is a risk of the parachute not working. When going for a job interview you might not get the job. You might antagonize your boss when you ask for a raise.
There isn’t much risk in meeting a woman though. Even the risks that people often think exist don’t really exist. “What if everybody sees me get shot down?” In reality, most of the guys will be respecting the man that takes that risk to approach the woman, something they didn’t have the guts to do.
“What if she shoots me down?” Well, you won’t have any less than you have now.
With women, often times nervousness points out the right thing to do.
- If approaching a woman makes you nervous, then you should probably approach her.
- If talking to a woman makes you nervous, then you should probably be talking to her
- If asking a woman out on a date makes you nervous, then you should ask her out.
- If kissing a woman makes you nervous, then it is probably the right time to kiss her.
If you do these things that make you nervous when you are around women, it will expand your comfort zone, and increase your comfort with meeting women, dating women, and moving your relationships with women forward.
If you want to get better at meeting women, better at flirting with them, better at dating the women that makes your hair on your arms stand up, there will some things that you will have to do that will make you nervous.
You will have to do things that make you nervous. You will have to do things that you don’t want to do because it makes you nervous when you think about it. When you do it anyway, you will grow, and become a more confident, self-assured man.
Recognize nervousness for what it is, the path to greatness.