Monthly Archives: July 2009

How To Flirt At Work

The internet disappoints me.

I did a google search for “how to flirt at work” and the most miserable results come up. If you believe the sources that Google says are the most relevant, all you need to do to make the ladies at your job swoon is to smile, give them compliments, and offer to do their work for them.


This stuff just doesn’t work. Sure, smiling and complimenting a woman may be a part of flirting, but it doesn’t really explain how to do it.

If you want to get an idea on how to actually flirt, read my article about role-playing and banter. That is, after all, what makes women like you.

There is more to flirtation than that, including teasing, playfulness, and innuendo, but banter is a huge part of what flirting actually is.

What about flirting with the women at work?

This is a question that always gets asked at the Art of Attraction workshop. Men want to know how to hit on that hot chick at work.

The simple answer: carefully and delicately.

Sexual harassment laws in our country being what they are, know the policy. Unwanted sexual advance or comment can be prosecuted. I am in no ways an expert. If you are going to flirt with girls at work, know the regulations that apply to you and your work environment. This post is written as infotainment, and is not advice. Don’t do something stupid.

If you are looking for an article about how to date women you work with, this isn’t it. I don’t date the women I work with. I don’t hook up with them. I don’t mess around with them. It makes life easier, and I don’t care how hot she is, there are plenty more women in the world that don’t have that particular complication attached.

But I do flirt with them.

I work with many women that I flirt with all the time. It keeps things fun. There are also many women at my day job that I don’t really flirt with. Some of them are receptive, and some are not. Some are kinda receptive, and some I can be more liberal with the flirtation.

Test the water before you dive

High octane flirtation does not always go over well. Also, you do not want to be the guy at work that hits on everything that breaths. Neither of these are good for your career, and your career should come before flirtation.

The hail mary banter or flirtation that may work well in the bars or clubs isn’t gonna be appropriate in the office. Out of place it can be too aggressive, and inappropriate. I test the waters out slowly, with a little flirtatious comment here and there, and I pay attention to how they react.

Throwing some roles into your banter is a good way to do this. Start with something fairly tame. You don’t want to start off by setting up roles of you as the love pirate and her as your slave. That is way overboard.

You can accuse a woman of being the office trouble maker, or set yourself up in the role of the boss, with her being one of your minions. The important thing is to do something that can be fun, but without a lot of sexual overtones to it. Then see if she plays along. If she plays along, laughs, smiles, and banters back, then it is a good sign that you can flirt with her a little more.

Once you know she is gonna respond to being flirted with, then you can slowly add a little more. By “slowly add a little more”, I mean over days and weeks. Not right away. There is no hurry.

Don’t touch too much

I am usually a very touchy feely flirt. I will be all over girls when I meet them, I put my arm around them, hold their hand, and so on. Not at work though. This is again, one of those things that I test out over time. When I do touch one of my coworkers, it is very little, gentle, quick, and as non-obtrusive as possible. I might touch their arm or shoulder, but that is about it. Anything more than that has to be with someone that I have a longtime relationship with, and we have worked that into the boundaries of what is acceptable.

Another way to not make any touching as awkward is to touch everybody, man or woman. This is the behavior of high status people by the way, and is something that good bosses will do. If you show that you are just a person that is comfortable touching people, you won’t so much be the weird guy that touches all the women.

Ramp things up after work

You can bump up the flirtation after work. Go out to happy hour with some of your coworkers, and you can bump up the level of your flirtation a bit. It is more appropriate in social situations because, well, it’s more appropriate in social situations.

You do need to still keep things appropriate, just because you’re not at work does not mean it is time to go hog wild. Even though you may not be in the office, you, and she, are still around co-workers, and their impression of you will be made as much after work as during work.

Many women aren’t going to want to be known as the office flirt, and for good reason. Keep this in mind. If you are making her uncomfortable with how much you are flirting you are missing the point.

The most important point

The most important thing to do if you are going to flirt with your co-workers is to pay attention to how they respond. A good response is smiles and laughs, and her flirting back. If you don’t get this type of response, pull it back.

Also keep in mind that it is possible to be playful without being too flirtatious. This is usually a matter of cutting out any sexual overtones in your flirtation and banter. You never want to make a woman you work with feel uncomfortable.

Take it slow, and have some fun. The more you flirt with your co-workers, the more you will get a sense for what is OK, and what is not. Flirting with your co-workers is a good way to keep things fun for you and her.

Fixation Will Make You Strike Out

I love baseball, I love to watch it, and I love to play it.

I played a year of little league when I was 11 or so.

I wasn’t very good. In fact, I kinda sucked.

One day at little league practice I had trouble hitting the ball. The more I fixated on it, the more nervous I became, and the harder it got to hit it. I got frustrated, and nervous, and anxious. All my team mates were watching. The more I fixated on hitting the ball, the harder it got.

It was humiliating, and it hurt my confidence to play baseball.

It hurt my confidence so much that I didn’t even make it into the major leagues as a pro baseball player. Maybe my life would be different if I just wouldn’t have fixated on the ball so much.

Home runs are better than strike outs, third base is better than first base

Somehow, baseball has worked its way into our collective “hitting on girls” vernacular.

We get to first base, second base, score, and strike out (like I did last night — even I don’t hit all of them out of the park).

I keep thinking back to that day in little league practice though, when I was so fixated on hitting the ball, that I repeatedly struck out. I thought that it can be really similar to learning how to flirt with women.

I remember being in bars and getting so fixated on trying to approach a woman and work my magic on her that I couldn’t actually do it. At least, not well. The more I fixated on this the more nervous I got, and struck out a lot of times.

This was very common when I was starting out my path to learn how to and be comfortable with picking up chicks. I was learning new skills and pushing the boundaries of my comfort zone, two things that drive a person to fixate on what they are doing.

If you have ever thought you should hit on a woman, but weren’t sure what to do, or what to say, or if you learned some lines somewhere and tried them out with a few women in a bar, without really being comfortable with the interaction, you may have experienced what I am talking about.

When you get into this state of mind when you are fixating on what to do when you talk to women, it lends itself to getting more and more nervous about what you are doing.

Hitting home runs should be fun.

The way to snap out of it when this happens is to jar that fixation somehow and shake that focus.

If you are at a bar, go get a shot with friends, and have a good old time shootin’ down a shot of whiskey. Grab a buddy and butt chests, or tell them a lame joke you heard.

When you focus on having fun instead of on the process of what you are doing, you can avoid the fixation that may be causing you to get more nervous and strike out. I don’t want you to strike out, that’s no fun for you, or the girl.

Baseball — and hitting on women — should be fun. Keep that in mind as the primary goal for a night out on the town, and it will all work out.

Batter up.

The hidden curse of American Freedom, and how to break free of it

This is a Deacon Go America message. Happy Fourth.

Our Country is free. What are you gonna do with it?

We have an amazing amount of Freedom in America. We have the freedom to make of ourselves, and our lives, what we want. Do you want to be rich? Famous? Have a big house? Lots of women? Lots of fun?

You can do pretty much anything in America, as long as it doesn’t hurt others.

So why aren’t you?

There is a hidden curse in the American lifestyle, and that is the curse of comfort.

Comfort is a nasty critter, it sneaks up on us and grabs us, and we usually don’t even know it. This critter can make us content with what we have, and make us feel good enough with where we are in life.

Comfort kills dreams.

Comfort makes us content with good enough.

One of the blessings of America is that it provides for people who just want to be comfortable, and it provides well. There is nothing wrong with good enough. If it you are happy with good enough, you will live a good life.

I have a feeling though, that if you are content with good enough, you wouldn’t be reading this blog.

How comfortable are you with who you are and where you are in life?

I don’t mean this in a “good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it people like me” sort of way. I mean this in the sense of how much you are used to being who and what you are.

It is possible to not like your job, but be comfortable with it. It’s possible to be comfortable with not having a lean, muscular body, even if you want something different.

It is possible to be unhappy with your relationships with women, but be comfortable with it.

The source of all comfort

The comfort we have in life is strongly linked to our routines and habits. Sticking to our habits is very comforting. When we do something outside of one of our habits, it is uncomfortable. When you walk into a coffee shop and see a spectacular woman in there, is it your habit or routine to walk up to her and flirt with her? For most people in this world, the answer is no, and for those people, it is very comfortable not to approach her.

The blessing of the freedom we have in America is that we are free to do things that we are not comfortable with. We have the freedom to break our habits, and change our routines. This is no small thing. This is a luxury, and one that we can afford because of all of the comforts that we have in America.

How to break the curse of comfort

How do we break our habits and change our routines?

This is one of those questions where the answer is simple, but not easy.

It is like asking how to lose weight. The answer is simple, exercise and take in less calories than you burn.

Changing your habits and routines is simple: Do different stuff.

That answer, however, does not describe how difficult it is. In reality, there are a whole bunch of reasons why it is hard to change our habits and routines. It takes effort and diligence, and most of all, it takes an awareness of when the comfort of a habit is sneaking up on us.

Remember, comfort is a nasty critter that will sneak up on you. Even when you have started to make changes and do things differently, that critter might find you and grab you again. Before you know it you are back to your old comfortable habits.

Start by paying attention to your habits

I’ll have more about identifying and changing habits and routines in the future, but for those of you that want to start doing something today, pay attention to your habits, and when you are comfortable.

Everything you decide to do, ask yourself if you are doing it because it is exciting, and pushing you forward in life, or if it is merely the comfortable thing to do.

God Bless America, because we can have the comforts of life, while pushing the boundaries of what makes us comfortable.

Happy Fourth of July everyone.

How a homemade cheesecake gives me 0.3 more points on the attractiveness scale

I made a cheesecake two nights ago. It was chilling for a day, and I finally got to eat some last night.

It was… delicious.

Yes, I know, this does not seem like the manliest of things to do, but I think it is OK since cheesecake is pretty awesome. Knowing how to cook a cheesecake will pay itself back over the years because I will be able to make a lot of cheesecakes and eat them.

In general, cooking is a pretty awesome thing to know how to do.

In specific, cooking is a pretty awesome thing to do for a lady. At your home.

Women always seem to be surprised when they find out that I can cook. They are even more surprised when they find out that I can cook better than them.

I’ve been teaching myself how to cook random dishes recently. I have developed a reasonably amazing chili recipe, and recently whipped out chile verde, lasagne, baked chicken, and now cheesecake.

Cooking is a valuable skill, fun, and attractive.

One of my favorite dates is to invite a cjick over and cook for her. I will ask her to pick up a bottle of wine on her way, and let the night unfold.

Here’s a couple guidelines I follow:

  • Make sure you know what exactly she can help with, and know when she will be able to help.
  • If you need or want something to add to the meal, let her know, so she can get it for you and bring it!
  • If you are cutting up a lot of chili peppers, wear gloves so you don’t get chili oil all over your (and her) hands.
  • Make sure your kitchen is clean!

Cooking is one of those things that you should get to after getting your basics down. If you need to be getting in shape, better dressed, more outgoing, more friendly, etc., don’t spend your time learning to cook.

If you’ve got all those basic things down though, learn to cook. Cook stuff you like. Share with women. Wash, rinse, repeat.