Monthly Archives: January 2009

Does Barack Obama Validate You?

I am writing this on Barack Obama’s inauguration day, 20 January, 2009. This may not seem like it has anything to do with meeting women at first, but bear with me through the end.

Now, I am not an Obama lover. I thought he was the better choice of the two candidates to lead the country, but I don’t believe that he is the messiah, or that he will magically make the world a better place, and I am not irrationally filled with hope.

But some people do, and some people are.

At work today, the office manager allowed the inauguration to be played in one of the conference rooms. Anyone who wanted to take a break and watch it was free to do so. The office manager is not the most socially gifted person in the world, but she does make some efforts, and she made a joke in her announcement of the inauguration viewing that she may be crying when she sees him sworn in, if for no other reason than that Mr. Obama is able to put together a complete sentence that is grammatically correct.

I was thinking about this a bit, because I have noticed a sense of pride and joy over Obama being president that I don’t remember from any past inaugurations. Don’t misunderstand me, I completely respect the historical significance and the move forward in racial equality that this represents, and am filled with joy at the thought that both my 6 year old and 6 month old nephews will grow up in a country where a black man is president. I don’t think that we understand the social significance of this right now, and we won’t realize the significance until we see how the next generation is different.

Anyway, I got to thinking about why my office manager was having such a strong emotional reaction to this event. As I was thinking about this, I thought about the large, sweeping, overly-generalizing and stereotyping views about who are democrats and who are republicans. The story seems to be that democrats represent “intelligent” America, and the republicans represent “the real” America. I don’t buy into this, but it has become somewhat of a meme. I think that there are people out there that see Barack Obama’s win in the election as a victory for “intelligent” America.

So further more about my office manager. She is successful in an analytical field (I am an engineer by day), and very intelligent. She is not the most feminine woman, in fact very much not so. She dresses poorly, has a poor haircut, and really sacrifices the traditional attractive female qualities. I think she has sacrificed some of this in order to succeed. Or perhaps, that is what she tells herself. Seeing this victory of Obama, this victory of intelligence, so to speak, may very well be very validating for herself that she is right for being less womanly in order to pursue her “intelligent” career.

Now, this is pure conjecture, I have no idea if this is true at all, but I imagine that it is for a number of people. I think a number of people have a story about themself in their mind, and this story goes somewhat like this: “I have sacrificed certain things, or am not good at certain things, and that is ok, because I am intelligent. I may not be good looking, or socially successful, or wealthy, but that is alright because I am smart and intelligent”. It is a bit like the skit on Kanye West’s College Dropout album, “no, I don’t know what sexy is but I can count up the change in your purse very fast!”

So everybody that voted for Obama, and saw that as an intelligent choice, got a HUGE hit of validation today. If they have a story in their head explaining their life that uses their intelligence as a reason, or explanation, or consolation for not having other things in their life that they want, then that STORY got a huge hit of validation today.

Feeding from and seeking validation is a pretty uncool thing to do, and may be the subject of a future post, but I want to focus on the stories we tell ourself. I think that we all do it to some degree. These stories can be beneficial. Maybe the story you tell yourself is that you are too sexy for your shirt, and all the women want you because of that. That is a great story, and is gonna work for you.

You can come up with bad stories, or stories that make excuses for something else. Here’s some of the bad stories I told myself:

  • The things I say aren’t interesting, and people aren’t going to want to talk to me or be friends with me
  • If I have a strong emotional reaction to something, it is because I was not strong enough to keep it back, and these emotions are a sign of weakness

Or how about one of my favorites:

  • When I am mean and insulting to women I am using negs, or cocky/funny, or teasing them, and am being more successful with women! (when in reality, you are just insulting them and being a jerk)

Crazy stuff, huh? I spent years coming up with these stories, and I didn’t even know I was doing it! It wasn’t until a few years ago, when I started to closely examine my emotional patterns that I discovered that I told this story to myself.

Here are some other stories that I hear from men that are working to improve their dating life and ability to flirt:

  • I need some time not talking to women to get my “inner game” together. (No you don’t, you need to be around more women)
  • I’m not nervous about talking to that woman, I just want to wait until I finish my drink. (No, you’re actually just nervous)
  • I don’t like meeting woman out at night because quality women don’t go to bars. (No, they do, this is just an excuse)

These stories are insidious, we usually don’t even realize they exist, but they effect the things we do.

To find out what stories you may have floating around, ask yourself a question: what is it that I want that I don’t have?

Got it?

Now ask yourself: why don’t I have that, why is it hard for me to get that, or why am I not doing that?

The answer that you want to tell people is the story. The little thing gnawing inside of you that you are trying to ignore is the real answer.

Usually, the real answer to these questions is that “I am afraid. I am nervous. I am uncomfortable. I don’t have confidence in myself.”

I asked myself these questions, and came up with those answers. It felt shameful, and I felt a little weak. Like I wasn’t good enough. We are supposed to be capable of anything, and to admit fear or discomfort or lack of confidence is difficult.

I also realized that it’s ok. By accepting these uncomfortable answers, rather than the answers that our story provides, it allows us to confront these things and really change them.

REAL change requires confronting these inner demons, rather than just paying them lip service and avoiding them. If you want to make some fundamental changes to yourself, you might decide to look at some aspects of your life in this way.

So, uh, go out and do this! I don’t really know how to wrap this up other than to say that I spent a while doing this, I have journals filled with my notes and thoughts as I worked through these types of issues myself, and I am glad I did.

It is a good thing.

How Do You Thinslice?

A conversation came up amongst some folks online about spiky hair. I was of the view that spiky hair is only appropriate if you are punk rock and/or Japanese. I am not Japanese, and my punk rock days are largely a thing of the past, so spiky hair is not for me.

My friend Whim replied to this conversation with the following:

Spiky hair is awesome. Especially if you’re Asian.

I’m yet to find a better thinslice that works for me.

Gotta love it when girls at McCarran come up to you screaming “heeeeyy!!!! We know you!!!!”

This thinslice works for him.

When I read this, a little lightbulb went off in my head. I thought this was a pretty brilliant idea, applying thinslicing to yourself.

For those of you that don’t know, thinslicing is an idea in Malcolm Gladwell’s book Blink. In this book, Malcolm Gladwell discussed how we make split second decisions. We determine a lot about people, things, and situations within the time of a blink of the eye.

Applying this to ourselves, people make split second decisions about us based on how we look, what we are doing, and how we present ourselves. It incorporates everything about us: our clothes, our facial expression, attitude, how we move, and even our hair. This is even simpler than a first impression, it is more like a micro-impression. It is the impression we get before the first impression.

Men thin slice all the time. She’s hot. She looks mean. She’s an ice queen. She looks nice. Without even talking to her, we have an idea in our mind of all sorts of things about her.

Take a minute to apply thinslicing to yourself. How do you thinslice? What do people think about you based on how you are dressed? How you stand? How you talk? Your facial expressions? People are always determining something about you based on these.

Further, what can you do that will lead to a particularly good thinslice? Whim is using something very obvious about him, his hair, to get a particular association and reaction from women. What kind of things do you want women to immediately think about you, and what can you do to create that? It’s good food for thought. Make sure you are thinsliced well.

If you want to read more about thinslicing and how it works, I recommend Malcolm Gladwell’s book. I read through it in a breeze, and really enjoyed it. It is a quick read, yet packed with really interesting information.

Click here to look at Blink on

Also, you can find Whim’s website at He is a great guy, and very successful with the ladies. Good stuff there.

She Said, "That's What Makes Us Like You"

Last weekend the company I work for had our annual Holiday Party.

I got to dress up nice, hang out with friends from work, and drink a LOT of free wine. It was fantastic.

At some point in the night, I found myself at a table sitting with about 10 adorable women, some of whom I work with, some of them were friends along for the party.

So, yeah. I started flirting with them all.

I was bantering back and forth with a lot of these women, it was a true multitasking tour de force of flirtation. These women were pretty good at this too. Most of them know me pretty well, and know they can push things with me; they really giving me a hard time, in a fun, flirtatious way.

It was going on to the point that one of the ladies I work with who was walking by the table stops, and whispers to me, “you know they are flirting with you”. Like I didn’t know :)

At one point, our conversation turned towards dating, and boys meeting girls, and the women’s lament at men not knowing how to banter well. Keep in mind, this was their words, not mine. They complained that a lot of men they meet just don’t know how to have a fun, flirtatious, conversation of banter.

“That’s what makes us like you guys, you know”, one of my friends said to me. “We want you guys to banter with us”.

I told her I was going to quote her on that, and here, I’m doing just that.

Women WANT you to banter with them. They want to be able to have a fun conversation with you, and they want to like you. They want a reason to.

A few years ago, I wouldn’t have been able to sit at a table of ten women and be the center of attention. I wouldn’t have them flirting with me, and doing nice things like filling up my wine glass for me. I had to learn this, and practice it. Four years ago I would have felt like this was an impossible thing for me to do, but over the years I learned how. I was lucky enough to learn a LOT from Lance, and lucky enough to motivate myself to get out there and practice this skill with women.

If you think, “that sounds fun, but I’m not sure how to do that”, then Charismatic Conversations may be for you. This is a DVD set of Lance teaching everything he knows about banter and flirting with women. It has hours of examples and demonstrations, and actual women giving their feedback about their experience.

Click Here to go to the PickUp 101 website and learn more about it.

It's Not Easy Being Mean (And So Can You!)

I have been accused of being mean a few times recently.

I probably deserved it too 😉

Sometimes I really can’t help but to tease girls. They beg for mercy, but I have none. I am a dark, vengeful figure of flirtation.

Melodrama aside, you may have run into this. You are talking to a girl, having a flirtatious conversation, she is laughing, you are laughing, so you know, at the very least, she doesn’t hate you.

All of a sudden, she sticks out her finger, and accuses you of being mean.

Maybe she plays it up by looking hurt. Maybe she has a scornful look.

Are you going to break? Are you going to reassure her that you aren’t mean? You could tell her, “no, I’m a nice guy! I didn’t mean it!”

. . .

Remember, it’s not easy being mean.

I own my meanness. My meanitude.

I’m mean. I’m a mean machine.

But I’m nice and fun too!

Last weekend, when a girl told me I was mean, I looked at her, smiled, and said, “I know, but it’s so much fun.” She laughed, I laughed, and we moved on.

I don’t deny it, I have fun with it. I’m not really mean. I don’t say hurtful, spiteful things inspired by anger. If that is what mean means to you, then read this. If mean means having fun and teasing girls, and taking playful jabs at them, then by all means, have fun with this, and don’t deny it.

When you get accused, step up, and ask if there is an award, or tell her you learned from the best, or that you teach classes on the subject. Tell her it is part of your subtle charm. Just don’t deny it.

Decision '09!

No Goals in 2009!

Goals are awful.  Bad, bad, bad!

I think that New Years resolutions only exist to boost gym membership and anti-smoking patch sales every January.

New Years resolutions get broken.  Period.  Sure, the random person may stick to it, but chances are, you won’t.

It’s not your fault, either.  It really isn’t.  We don’t get taught how to make changes, we get taught how to stay the same.

If you wanted to stay the same, you wouldn’t be reading my blog.  After all, I write this so you will change.  I want you to change, at least, if you want to.

So no new years resolutions, ok?


Instead, make decisions.  Let’s make some new years decisions.  I’ve made some decisions.  I’ve decided to stop smoking.  I’ve decided to be in shape before I turn 30 (6 months away).  I’ve decided to pursue some business oppurtunities, and create some business opportunities.

Now, these are pretty vague decisions, and the actual decision is much more exact and specific.  I have decided to not smoke any cigarettes in 2009.  I have decided to stretch and exercise every morning.  I’ve got some specifics about my business, but I’m gonna keep those private for now 😉

There is a difference between making a resolution and making a decision.  A resolution is nice, a decision is final.  We are men, when we decide to do something, we tend to do it.

It is important when setting any sorts of goals. or making any sorts of decisions, to focus on the actions, not the result (I think this is well known by now, but if you want me to explain why this is so important, let me know).

For instance, a BAD goal is “I want to lose 15 pounds”.  A GOOD decision is “I will jog three times a week and not eat any refined starches and sugars”.

A BAD goal is “I want a new girlfriend”.  A GOOD decision is “I will talk to and meet a new woman every day”.

A BAD goal is “I want to make more money”.  A GOOD decision is “I will write on my blog at least once a week”.

I think you are seeing the pattern.

If you are still thinking about New Years decisions, and want to discuss your goals and how to achieve them, write about it as a comment to this post below.  I will respond to all comments about setting goals, and offer advice on coaching about how to define and implement them.  Have you ever wondered what personal coaching is like?  You can get a taste of it in the comment section below.

Happy New Year, I have decided to do that which will make this a satisfying and fun year.  Come on and join me.

Male Pattern Irrationality, Part 23

Or: Sean Falls In Love For The 178th Time

Happy New Year!

The new year always seems like a time when we can make a big shift in our life.

But I digress.

Last night was New Years eve.  I went out with half a dozen friends out to some bars in the Mission to celebrate.  I ended up meeting Zoey, and talked to her for a while.  She was fun, cool, and cute.  Ah, life was good.

Eventually, she had to run off to find a friend, but we told each other we would talk later.  Anyway, I was in love.  Smitten.  I was into her, and I wanted to talk to her more and see where it could go.

Then my buddies told me to hit on Laura, who was getting drinks at the bar next to us.  Don’t mind if I do, so I started talking to her.  I figured it would be something to do while I waited to find Zoey again.  Then something unexpected happened.  I helped Laura carry her drinks back to her friends, and then proceeded to dance and kiss the night away with her.  I’m totally smitten with her.

This morning, I talked to one of my friends I was out with last night.  They had no idea where I had gone last night when I was with Laura, since I kinda disappeared to hang out with her.  All my friends ended up leaving to go somewhere else.  So anyhow, I was telling my buddy about my night, and about the girl I met last night.

He tells me, “Ah, you’re in love”.

Then I realize: “Yeah, but I was in love with the girl I was talking to earlier in the night right before I met her too.”  He laughed, but I realized there was a nugget of something here.

Have you ever met a woman, hit it off with her, and then couldn’t get her out of your mind?  Maybe you met her in a bar, and want to talk to her more and get her number, or you got her number, and then just think about what to say, what to text, or how to make it work out?

Because that happen last night, with the first woman I met.  I was thinking, “where is she?  I want to talk to her more.”  This lasted ALL night.  Well, no.  Not all night.  About 10 minutes.  Right up until I met the next girl I really liked.

That fixation was real though.  I experience it all the time.  I see it in men that I coach.  I see it in my friends.  Things go well with a woman, and we get fixated on her.  We want it to work out.  We want her to like us, and we aren’t so interested in any other women.

I hear questions like, “what should I text her?”, or “should I leave so she doesn’t see me talking to other women?”  All subtle variations of “how do I not screw this up?”

This fixation is a Male Pattern Irrationality.  It doesn’t make sense, but we tend to focus on the last woman we met.  We forget the ones we met before her.  There is only room for one woman in our memory at a time.

When a woman fills this irrational spot in our memory, we do all sorts of crazy stuff.  We act different, try to act too cool, or we are too eager, or too needy, or too something.  Basically, we are much more prone to getting in our own way of it working out.

This “problem” is also its own solution though.  If there is a woman you have met, and you really like her, the best thing you can do is to immediately go meet another woman.  Fill up that irrational spot in in your memory with another woman.  This will free you to think about this first woman that you really liked in a much more rational way.

Then you can proceed to get smitten with her again in a totally rational way.

Happy New Year.  One of the changes I am planning to implement this year is keeping up with my blog.  I have dozens of unwritten posts floating up in my head, hopefully I’ll get them down on paper.