Monthly Archives: August 2007

The Pickup Artist, Episode 4

I was bored by this episode. Maybe it was because I was watching it on my iPod while stuck in traffic going over to my buddies house in the East Bay during rush hour, maybe it was just not as exciting as past episodes. This post is as proportionally short as I was excited about this episode.

Neat. They got to kiss a girl. They did make a really good point though: Kissing Is Important.

I have gone out with girls because they were good kissers, and I have been turned off by girls that were bad kissers. It is a very important skill. Watch the episode to learn more, they actually did a pretty good job of teaching this. It was sexy and fun too.

I was disappointed by the elimination. Scott was working really hard to learn this stuff, and he was showing some improvement. He was very eager, and really wanted it. Granted, he isn’t that socially savvy, but he can learn that. I hope he continued on this path after the show was over.

I can see why they kept Pradeep (sp?), because he acts like a prick, and this creates drama, which makes the show more exciting, which means better ratings. Mystery made the right decision for the success of his show.

Sorry, Scott. You’ve got to be more dramatic. Your good nature and positive attitude won’t get you ahead in this world.

How To REALLY Approach Directly

“Direct” game is so hot right now. Everyone seems to be using it, trying it, and having fun with it.

What is it? Direct game refers to a way of approaching a woman where you make it perfectly clear why you are talking to a girl. Usually your interaction will start with the words, “excuse me, you are really cute”, or something similar.  You let her know right away that you are approaching her because you are attracted to her and want to meet her.

A direct approach is efficient. Starting out very directly leads straight into building rapport, there is no beating around the bush. It’s like being in the electronic toll lane at the Bay Bridge rather than waiting to pay a cash toll. There is still all the traffic on the bridge, and you have to wait for the metering lights, but you zip right by the toll booth!

Some guys screw it up though. Here’s what direct game is really about.

“Direct” Does Not Mean Direct

The term “direct” brings attention to the words that are used, rather than the emotion behind it. A much better word to describe what is going on with a “direct” approach is sincere.

I can say, “you are really cute” to a woman in a very playful (indirect) way, or in a very sincere (direct) way. The words are the same, but the way I say it is totally different depending on my attitude.

If I am in a bar or club and tell a girl, “Oh, my god, you are really cute. This one is gonna be my new girlfriend. You guys don’t mind, right? Wait, can you cook?”, this is indirect. It is playful and flirtatious, but do you seriously think that any girl would think that I am approaching like that because I genuinely and sincerely want to meet her? Meh.

If I am walking through the plaza and see a girl sitting at a bench and say, “I know this is totally out of the blue and kinda random, but you are really cute. I knew I wouldn’t forgive myself if I didn’t come meet you. I’m Sean. Mind if I have a seat?”, this is direct. There is no way this will be confused for me just being a fun, playful, social guy.

The “opener” uses the same words though: “you are really cute”. The difference is that one example was playful, the other was sincere.

It Doesn’t Mean Much

Guys have this crazy notion that they are playing all their cards if they approach directly. This is just not true, unless you have a very weak hand. It seems like sometimes when guys use direct game, they treat it as saying, “I like you. Do you like me?”

A sincere opener is just an explanation of why I started talking to a woman. That’s it. I’m not telling her, consciously or subconsciously, that I love her, or that I want to be dating her, or anything like that. I’m not even saying that I like her. All I am saying is that she is attractive, and that is enough for me to start talking to her. That’s not really a big deal. When I approach a woman in a sincere way, I have the attitude of, “I am attracted to you. That’s exciting, but not the end all be all. Now I want to see if we like each other.”

What often happens when a man approaches sincerely is that he treats it like he has told a woman, “I like you”, when actually he is just attracted to her. Now, we’re men, a woman being attractive is usually enough to make us like her. If this is your M.O. with women right now, that’s fine. A direct, sincere approach to meeting them won’t serve you though. You are better off using a high energy, high attraction approach.

If someone approaches sincerely, and has the feeling that, “now she knows I like her”, then it might not go so well. The whole interaction will be skewed by the emotional discrepancy between how the man feels and how the woman feels. When people feel different things it tends to push them apart rather than pull them closer together. A better approach is to feel like, “she knows I am attracted to her, and of course I am. Now let’s figure out who each other is, and if we like each other.”

Wow, She’s Gorgeous

Nature programmed us men to get all these jumbly feelings when we see an attractive woman. When we see an attractive woman, our heart rate increases, and we get excited. Part of the power in a direct approach comes from being able to handle those feelings, and to treat them as what they are, a motivation to meet a woman, and see what happens next.

I think it is easy for us men to confuse those feelings of attraction for the whole enchilada. By approaching in a sincere way, you have to accept those feelings of attraction, rather than ignore them, as guys sometimes do when they approach indirectly. When we express that attraction we feel in a sincere way to a woman, it makes us feel invested in her, and in the outcome. We let it be more than it really is.

Of course we are attracted to women. That’s what we do. We’re men. Don’t let that be any more, or any less than what it is.

You Can Do This

Learn to do this.

Sign up for the Art Of Rapport workshop. I am teaching this workshop next weekend in San Francisco.

I dare you to find out more.

What's My Story?

The question, “what’s your story?” is just about the most awful question you can ask when you meet someone. Please wipe this phrase from your memory.

“What’s your story?” is really a non-question. It is a way of saying, “I have no idea what to say or ask you, so why don’t I put all the pressure on you to say something interesting?”

Whenever someone asks me what my story is, I usually ask them, “what do you really want to know?” I never know how to answer this question ,and I imagine most people don’t, man or woman.

You can do better. Easily. Spend 2 or 3 seconds thinking about what you really want to know, and ask that.

That said, I went ahead and wrote “my story”. I updated the about me page on this site. I wrote about how I got to be where I am now. It is a great story, if I say so myself, even if I did leave out the Sex, Drugs and Rock ‘N Roll. You’ll have to catch me at a bar and hear that part over a beer. Go ahead and read it and let me know what you think.

You can start reading the first part here.

Project Deacon: Liquor In The Front

OK guys, what do you have to offer me to drink?

I want to come up, I want to have a drink. What do you got?

Don’t tell me, “some old milk, bud lite and some water”.

I don’t have a huge liquor cabinet, but I got enough. Wanna finish the night with a beer? Done.

How about a glass of wine with some crackers and cheese. Check.

Wanna do some shots? Check. (bonus points if they are shots of bourbon)

How about a mixed drink. Nice vodka and mixers, check.

Something without alcohol? Some fizzy water? Cranberry juice? Double check plus.

Keep yourself stocked with good stuff to offer someone when they come over. Not only is it just the polite thing to do, it is classy. It shows you put some thought into it.

Get yourself some stufff. Here’s what I suggest at the minimum:

  • Nice bottle of Wine. Have wine glasses to serve this in.
  • Some good hoers… hore’s du… hor… snacks. have some good snacks on hand. Go to Trader Joe’s or your equivalent and stock up for a few bucks.
  • Beer. I only put this on because I like to drink beer. This brings up an important point. Have stuff you like.
  • Hard alcohol. A good bottle of vodka and taquila are the minimum. After that, I would suggest adding a cou[ple bottles of bourbon :)
  • Mixers. Cranberry, red bull (diet), rockstar (diet), tonic water at a minimum.
  • Ice. The silliest thing to not have when you want to make a drink for someone.

Having this stuff on hand is one of the minor things to get together, but it can have a nice effect on how you are perceived by your guests.

Tony Stark, Alcoholic Oh, I also keep my copy of Iron Man #128 by my liquor in a rigid plastic case. Best Iron man comic. Ever. Iron Man faces the fact that he is an alcoholic. It reminds me not to drink too much. Awesome cover by Bob Layton.

NOTE: I do not endorse keeping comics out all over your home.


No. really.

Fine. Don’t take my word for this one.

Listen To This Interview

The guys at Pickup Podcast did an interview with Cory Skyy.

It is good.  Really good.

He doesn’t really teach any tips or tactics, but this guy’s perspective is great.  If you have been exposed to a lot of tips and strategies to meet and attract women, listen to this interview.  It isn’t about finding the right thing to say to make her attracted, it is about being a dead sexy, confident, attractive man.

Just go listen to it.

Check out the podcast here.

The Pickup Artist, Episode 3

The Third episode of The Pickup Artist was on a couple nights ago. They had to learn and apply stories and threads with DHV spikes in them. A DHV is a “Demonstration of High Value”, or some such thing. I personally never think about that or try to incorporate that idea into my shtick, but then again, I don’t do pretty much anything from Mystery’s method. The show still entertains though. I loved that they made the guys talk to the little girls to practice storytelling. That seemed like a fun exercise. This episode pointed something out to me though, which is the art of storytelling.


I’m not a great storyteller. As far as the basic “pickup” skills go, that is the one I am least skilled in. I can do it, and I have, but I never really on it or fall back on it. I tend to tell more stories to build rapport and connection with a person, by telling them about my life. Storytelling used to be a part of the Art of Attraction workshop, but we have slowly removed it to replace it with banter, which we have found is both more effective and easier to learn.

A great story can be really captivating. It can keep people entertained, it can draw people to you magnetically, and it can convey lots of great things about you. Storytelling is a skill that I would like to develop. Not really as an attraction tool, but as a life tool. I have a couple ventures under my belt to help develop this.

Now on to a couple comments about some of the guys.


I commented on this guy the last time. What frustrates me about this guy is his inability to change and his inability to learn. He has a great opportunity to learn this material and apply it, and he just doesn’t.

I contrast this with some other older men that I have worked for. I remember one guy in particular. He was in his 40s, tall and decent looking, big presence, but lacked the confidence to meet women. This guy wanted to change, and was willing to do the work. It was hard for him. He was shaking and sweating from nervousness at times, but he never gave up, and he tried everything we taught him. I admire that.

I have no idea what it is like to be 45 years old. I have a couple friends around that age, and I know that things are different. Learning how to be a more attractive man is different, life in general is different. I don’t understand it, because I have never been there, and I won’t for another 15 or so years.

I do know that anyone can make the changes, at any age. The question is, “are you going to let yourself get in the way or not?”

Fred let himself get in the way. I have met plenty of guys that don’t though, and I respect those men for that.


Right now, I admire Scott the most. He is geeky. He is tall and lanky. He has a goofy smile. I would get a long with this guy. Also, he is working his ass off. He is really putting in a lot of effort to learn the material that Mystery is teaching them. He has an opportunity to flip his life around, and really make changes to his social life that he wants, and he is jumping at the opportunity. I hope that he stays on the show for a while.

To me, Scott represents the fact that anybody can get better with women if they put in some effort and are willing to make some changes to their behavior. More importantly, Scott represents the facts that geeks and dorks can do this.

Thank goodness.

Why You Get Nervous Approaching In Bars

I was hanging out in the Marina District one weekend. I ran into my friend Shawn, in addition to a bunch of other folks I knew.
“I still get nervous and full of anxiety when it is time to approach a girl” he told me.

Interlude: Earlier that night I was hanging out with my friend Ben, who was visiting from New York for the weekend. Ben and I decided that we wanted to have one of those nights where we drink a lot and have a good ol’ time together.

We were in the back room of the Matrix with a couple other friends, and two girls walk around the corner.

“There you are, we’ve been waiting all night for you guys,” I say to them as soon as I see them.

Ben doesn’t skip a beat, “Yeah, where have you been?”

He pulls one over to him, and I pull one over to me, and we start bantering and flirting with them. Standard protocol.

Eventually the girls left, we had a half hour of fun with them, then they went off on their merry way. Neither Ben nor I were particularly interested in these girls, we were just having a good ol’ time.

End Interlude.

So I told Shawn about what happened earlier when I was hanging out with Ben. There was no anxiety or nervousness because there was no actual approach. We were having fun, and they were there. Of course I said something to them.

When you are out in a bar or a club, there are always women around you to talk to and flirt with.

The way to not get anxious and nervous when you approach is to not approach in the traditional sense at all. Don’t stand there, think about how you want to approach her, then approach her. This is going to make you nervous as can be.

Approaching should be a lot more spontaneous when you are out at a bar or a club. If you are having fun yourself, this is going to make your interactions go all the more better. When you approach spontaneously, there won’t be a chance for your fun to turn into nervousness.

If you’re gonna go to bars and clubs to meet women, make sure you are having fun first.

Now go meet some women!

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

If you are wondering what to say, or how to start interactions like this with women, check out the Art of Attraction workshop. We spend two and a half days learning exactly this, part of which is spent out in bars and clubs. In fact, if you take the workshop in San Francisco, chances are you will go to the very bar that all of the above took place at, and talk to some gorgeous women too..

CLICK HERE to find out more info.

The Pickup Artist, Episodes 1 and 2

I admit it. I got wrapped up in a reality TV show. I have been watching The Pickup Artist on VH1. Well, actually I have been watching it on iTunes because I don’t have a TV, but same difference.

It is interesting to me for a couple reasons. I teach guys how to “pick up” girls, so I can claim that it is professional interest. Also, I have worked with a lot of guys like these guys on this show. They are good guys that have a lot to give to a woman. Some are really dorky, sure, but hey so are some of the best of us. It is also interesting because I have met Mystery. It was really brief, but I met him at a talk he gave at Project San Francisco a couple years ago.

Mostly it is just an exciting drama, like most reality TV. I got the sense from my buddy Niels (who was on Beauty and the Geek) that there is a bit more “TV” than “reality” in reality TV. Some people I know have complained that it is too bad they have to eliminate a guy each week, because they all need the training, and it is true. They gotta kick someone off though for the tension and drama blah blah blah.

There are a couple lessons from a couple of these guys.


Spoon was the young kid who was really nervous. He was also the one that wanted to be sent home during the first elimination. The sad thing is that he had the potential in him to do just fine. Talking to women became really emotionally hard for him. His internal resistance to making this change was huge. This points out a huge truth.

It can be incredibly hard to make this change.

You have to confront your own anxiety, discomfort, and nervousness. He knows the changes he has to make, but his emotions that he needs to confront to do it are too big.

I hope he does make the changes that he wants for himself.


Fred is the 45 year old virgin. He is reluctant to accept the teachings of Mystery. He seems stuck in his way. He is so stuck, that he won’t try new things. What is worse is that he makes “logical excuses” about why he doesn’t want to use the teachings of Mystery. He says he wants to be spontaneous, and that canned material makes him feel fake. I have an argument that his “real” self is just as fake, it is just the persona he is comfortable with.

He seems like the kind of guy that has found the routine that he is comfortable with, and even if that routine doesn’t work, he will stick with it.

He needs to take a risk to act outside of his normal routine, adn to have the humility to admit to himself that his current routine just isn’t working.

I hope all these guys the best, and hope they all make huge improvements to their life.

Project Deacon: New Bed For A New Man

The first big furniture purchase for Project Deacon was a new bed. My old bed was a full size with a squeaky metal bed frame, old sheets and blankets. This had to go.

I bought a California King. 600 thread count sheets (to start), numerous pillows, and a nice wooden bed frame.

I wanted a bed that I would be happy to get into every night. Mission accomplished.

I wanted a bed that women want to get into every night, and stay in every morning. According to my girlfriend, mission accomplished.

I wanted a bed I could sleep sideways on and still have enough room. Mission accomplished.

Beds are expensive. Not every one can go out and drop a few grand on a new bed at the drop of a hat. If you are going to buy anything to improve your living space, my first recommendation would be a nice bed. Save if you have to. This is going to be far more important than a new table, couch, chairs, or big screen TV.

The benefit to your life is huge though. You spend about a third of your life in a bed, and will have a lot of fun in your bed. Make it count. I can’t stress enough the importance of a great bed.

Do you want to live in a space that is great in spite of your bed, or one in which your bed makes your space even better?

A modern man, successful with women, will have a great bed.

Here are my guidelines for getting a new bed:

  • Get a mattress larger than you think you can fit in your room. It’s worth the sacrificed space to have a big bed. Nobody ever thinks to themselves, “I wish I had gotten a smaller bed”. Get a King Size if you can.
  • Get high thread count sheets. I got two sets of 600 thread count sheets to start, and am looking to upgrade to 1000 thread count sheets when I can. The higher the thread count, the better the sheets will feel.
  • Get a lot of pillows with varying firmness. Good for comfort and pillow fights.
  • Take some time to match everything, and pick a scheme that goes with your room. I spent longer shopping for sheets and a comforter cover than I did for my bed. I wanted to pick colors that I liked, that I wanted to have in my room, and would go with future rugs, curtains, furnture, etc.
  • Get a wooden bed frame, not metal. It looks nicer and is less squeaky. I got mine for half off when I bought my bed. You can find bargains.

None The Less…

Yes, Project Deacon is coming along.

Yes, everything is coming along.

Yes, it has been a while since I have posted.

Sometimes life takes a turn. Sometimes you spend a lot of time figuring some stuff out and taking care of other things. When I am not a dating coach I have a job as an engineer. That came and bit me on the butt a couple months and kept me very busy. I have been dating one girl that makes me happy. I have been getting used to my new home.

It has been good things that have kept me away from blogging, but I have still been away from it none the less.