Right Now! What Do You Want?

Sexy goalsMy last post was about the importance of knowing what you want when starting a dating relationship. ‘Honour’ made an interesting comment on this post, “the hard part is how do you figure out what you want”. Well, I want to give you some guidance on how to figure this out.

Long life goals are good. They can give you vision and purpose. They don’t always help you figure out short term goals though. So, rather than ask yourself, “what do I want?”, ask yourself, “what do I want right now?” For example, a lot of men I talk to say that they eventually want to meet a really great woman and settle down with her. This is a great long term goal. This, however, does not necessarily lend itself to short term action. You may eventually want to find a great woman, but may feel that you want a lot more general dating experience. A short term, right-now goal that addresses this might be to casually date 3 women. Now, you know what you want right now.

By thinking in terms of what you want right now, this frees you from the worry about if this is really the right thing, or if you are making the right decision. You can change what you want right now all the time. You can decide tomorrow what you want, and do the same again the next day. If your long term goal is to settle down with a great woman, that doesn’t mean that has to be your short term goal as well. If you eventually want to date a lot of women, you may decide that right now you just want one girlfriend, to get the experience of being in a relationship.

There is no right or wrong answer.

You can take this further, and apply this idea to every woman you meet. If you meet a woman out at a bar, or out grocery shopping, or at a party, take a moment to ask yourself, “what do I want right now with this woman?” It doesn’t have to be the same thing for every woman. You may want something fun, casual, and physical with one woman, and a close, caring, intimate relationship with another.

Here is a way that I figure out what I want right now. I imagine it. I picture it. I imagine the type of relationship I want to have a with a woman. Then I picture another one. Then another one. Chances are, one of these will stick out to you. You will know which one. Now, here is a very important step to this. Forget about what other people think. It is really easy to get caught up in this pattern of “proving yourself” by dating a lot of chicks, or getting a lot of “notches on the belt”, or proving that you are a good “pickup artist”. This should be informed by one thing and one thing only. What you really want for yourself.

I hope this helps. I have to give credit to Lance of PickUp 101 for this idea. I first heard it verbalized by him, and it became a very useful tool for me.

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    4 thoughts on “Right Now! What Do You Want?

    1. P

      That was a good post. I don’t disagree that you should forget about what other people think, but it is hard to maintain friendships with people who are judging you on this and telling you to do something else. I’m a girl and my current friends are important to me. The other alternative seems to be to lie to them, which isn’t a great solution either.

    2. sean

      Great comment, P. What I was really getting at with my “forget about what other people think” comment is to not let what other people think might be best influence your decision of what YOU want.

      For example, I have been in communities where getting another notch on the belt is seen as an admirable goal. This can put a lot of pressure on a guy to act like a player and sleep around, when he might really want to have one nice girlfriend.

      Another example are people that think it is wrong to date more than one person. They might put pressure on you to settle down with someone when you really want to date a lot of people and learn about yourself and others.

      I know it is difficult to behave counter to that pressure. One thing that helps me is having a group of friends that are very supportive of whatever type of relationships I want in my life. I am sure not every one of my friends agrees with my relationship choices, and that is Ok. I know I have a whole other group of friends that are.

      I will probably write an upcoming post on this topic. Keep an eye out for it!

    3. David Clare


      One of the hardest things that I had to deal with is that not all of my friends will support my choice of relationships. The harshest one lately was one of my surfing buddies who dissed me really hard when I introduced him to one of my girls. He made her feel like I was just using her for sex, and our relationship never quite recovered from that. It didn’t help that I was her first BF after a 12 yr relationship, but still, he had no call to make her feel that way during an otherwise lovely weekend. Especially as I was completely up front with her about my expectations in a relationship, before the relationship started.

      My lesson from that is when pursuing “non-standard” relationships, no matter how rewarding they are (and they are!), some people just refuse to recognize your right to live your life as you like. For me, these people screen themselves out of my life. My philosophy is live and let live… while anyone is free to criticize, I don’t feel compelled to listen to them whine about it to my face.

      If they can’t support me, then they aren’t really my friends.

      Sean will have some good things to say about this. I might follow up myself.

    4. Jordon

      Agreed boys. It’s difficult enough to balance the women in our lives, and make sure they’re comfortable with the situation, let alone having to micro-manage our friends’ issues with OUR lifestyle. I’m with David that, although it can be tough, it’s often best to sever ties with negative people who aren’t able to balance out their criticisms by adding value.


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